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Old 01-26-2013, 04:22 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,587
Default Dadt

I am enjoying the "fluidity" conversation very much. I know so little about it that I'm reading it with both eyebrows up.

As to the earlier discussion of DADT.

I agree with some that an explicitly DADT policy is a sign that there is something wrong. That is to say that, if any direct conversation about other lovers is uncomfortable that is the same as saying "I am not ok with this arrangement, I cannot handle it, I need to pretend it doesn't exist". Having a relationship with someone who is expressly against the set-up seems like a half of a relationship. While this wouldn't necessarily mean the relationship couldn't work, it would put a hard limit on intimacy because their is a giant and important chunk of a persons life that is now just an elephant in the room.

Something I see as a stumbling block in this conversation is that people are conflating DADT with a persons desire for detail. For me, these two discussions are on the same spectrum but DADT is WAAAAY at the extreme end.

Personal Experience:
IV doesn't give any specific details about her sex life. We have conversations about sex and sex with other partners if it finds its way into the conversation, but there are no descriptions, specifics, or details that are not relevant to that particular conversation. It works for us, it's a balance that we found without discussing it. Fortunately for me, IV is sensitive to my expressions so maybe she just "picked up" on how much detail I was interested in. Either way, while there are details she could express to me which would prompt me to say "that's ok baby, I don't need that much detail" this is far from a DADT policy. This is just her being courteous.

This courtesy is not only for the person hearing the details, but the people she would be talking about. I presume that this courtesy is extended to me as well and that she does not share the intimate details of our sex life with other partners. Though even if she did I trust her judgment that the information expressed would be dealt with appropriately, otherwise she wouldn't risk expressing it.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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asexual, asexuality, boundaries, communication, dadt, dadt policies, don't ask don't tell, privacy, talking about sex

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