Pushing onward in the face of adversity

[PhilosophicallyLost]

Helo: I am struggling with feeling like my husband wants a lot of my time. It feels like he sees it as his right, whereas I see it as my gift to give. I understand I've pulled out the rug with the whole poly thing and he needs support and love, but he's given me crap for talking to a friend for an hour because it took time away from him. X_x; Which is taking it a bit far, in my book. Otherwise, I don't feel our marriage has too much of an "ownership" perspective. I see marriage as a partnership where both people get a say, and if that work monogamously for some I think it's okay. I don't like the ownership perspective either.

Point three: There's the saying, "Old loves never die." I feel this has been true to some extent in my life, too.

Marcus: I can see the ownership perspective in a poly setting as well. I see it a bit in my own life. I do think logically my voice of self-doubt does result from the social pressure more than anything.

GalaGirl: "It's easy to get sucked into the people pleaser/diplomat role as a hinge. Neglect your own needs for rest because hey! You are the "greedy" one wanting to be with 2 people right? You SHOULD be clocking double time, right?" I couldn't have phrased it better myself. Lol.

Unfortunately, E painted that model of himself at Y's gathering BEFORE the poly happened, and before he knew of my reciprocated feelings. That's why it seems stickier to me.

InfinitePossibility: I struggle with the concept of children because of this, but that's a whole other bag that I don't have to handle this second. But I haven't figured out if I want kids or not either.

Thanks to everyone who posted. It's given me some food for thought, and I always welcome more comments. Sometimes I just need someone to tell me it's okay. XD

[Marcus]

Originally Posted by PhilosophicallyLost

Helo: I am struggling with feeling like my husband wants a lot of my time. It feels like he sees it as his right

Was entitlement to your time, emotions, or body a standard thing in your relationship prior to your announcing that you are not monogamous? I only ask because, if so it might be an uncomfortable learning curve for him to realize that things have changed in that regard.

Originally Posted by PhilosophicallyLost

Marcus: I can see the ownership perspective in a poly setting as well.

This is not a monogamy issue; people thinking they are entitled to own aspects of other people. I suspect it is more rampant in monogamous couples but poly arrangements seem to have the same difficulties. My only guess would be that most of us came up as monogamous and still live in a monogamous society (at least I am, here in the south U.S.) so those traditions are engrained and endlessly reinforced.

[PhilosophicallyLost]

I probably will view this differently than my husband, but I have seen a HUGE shift in our time spent together since poly started. I used to work and go to school so lack of time with me was a norm. The time we spend now, in my opinion, is far more than it's been. He argues that we had all kinds of time before I went to school, which I vehemently disagree with. Back in those days, I was working ten more hours a week than I do now and I usually was commuting to two or three different jobs.

When I was in school I felt the time we spent together lacked quality. I like to say I was a video game/tv widow. If anything I do feel the circumstances after poly began forced my husband to be a bit more proactive in slotting aside time with me. So I'm feeling a huge improvement, whereas he still feels he's coming up short. It's been problematic for us.

[Helo]

Originally Posted by PhilosophicallyLost

Helo: I am struggling with feeling like my husband wants a lot of my time. It feels like he sees it as his right, whereas I see it as my gift to give. I understand I've pulled out the rug with the whole poly thing and he needs support and love, but he's given me crap for talking to a friend for an hour because it took time away from him. X_x; Which is taking it a bit far, in my book. Otherwise, I don't feel our marriage has too much of an "ownership" perspective. I see marriage as a partnership where both people get a say, and if that work monogamously for some I think it's okay. I don't like the ownership perspective either.

Perhaps I should explain more clearly the specifics of the ownership but first I want to address your example of time. From where I stand agreeing to enter into a relationship with someone, romantic or otherwise, generally includes some tacit form of agreement to share your time with the other person. The specifics of when and how much are up to the people involved but the act of sharing time is fundamental to a relationship otherwise it wouldnt be there, you cant have an ongoing relationship with someone you spend no time with. If one person is demanding another share their time with them, that is a demand and it is an authoritarian demand though I would hardly couch it in such sinister terms; more often than not such demands are the most familiar way for people to simply ask for greater amounts of time to be spent with them developed in our culture where we're never really allowed to express our needs and desires in a direct way.

The ownership aspect of what I would call hard monogamy extend to controlling the actions of a partner in the terms of whom they are allowed to give their affection to as well as simply have feelings for. Telling someone "you cant have feelings for anyone but me otherwise you're a bad person" is a textbook example of an authoritarian relationship; someone has made a demand for something they want and are backing up the demand with a threat that they can carry out because of the power they have, in this case its power given to them by the structure of the relationship and the society it exists in.