Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 01-16-2013, 10:39 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,077
Default Dude's future relationship possibilities

As usual my reply to someone's post got a little long, but, as it relates to my thoughts on our current and future relationship configurations, I'd like to re-quote it here.

From my reply to someone's My Intro thread:

Quote:
My own fear, early on, with Dude was that being in a relationship with me would impede his ability to find a "real girl" (i.e. a primary of his own) - the difference is that he wasn't/isn't actually "looking" for a primary (although not necessarily ruling it out) - this was my own fear. After a while, as our relationship evolved, he said that continuing a relationship with me (in some fashion) would be a necessary part of any future relationship configuration he finds himself in.

Now, lots of things could happen in the future (which is always a true statement). Dude could find a "real girl" who wants to be primary and our relationship could shift into a more secondary model. His new girl might have no interest in a primary type relationship with him (perhaps she already has a primary or doesn't want one) and choose to take a secondary role herself. New girl might be interested in a non-hierarchical model or a "working toward co-primary" type situation (as is evolving between the three of us). In addition, but not expected , the new girl might be interested in pursuing a relationship with either me or MrS as well...

The fact is that this hypothetical new girl will have her own preferences and boundaries, and OUR relationship could be in very different place than it is now (as people and relationships change over time). So, thinking NOW about what things could look like in the future is an interesting theoretical exercise (and I think it is good to be aware of the possibilities) but, until hypothetical new girl is actually on the scene, then no conclusions can be drawn.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 01-18-2013, 12:00 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,077
Default

I'm still chuckling...so I have to take down a note. I was reading some posts here to my boys that had to do with arguments and the involvement (or not) of the uninvolved party and we were discussing the fact that MrS and I seems to have an argument, on average, about twice a year (which hasn't changed). How it's handled, etc.

Which led to a discussion of how long our relationship has lasted...we will have been "together" for 21 years. MrS quips: "Our relationship is old enough to drink!" then comes up with (in reference to Dude and I - who have been together for 2 years): "Your relationship says 'No!' a lot and takes naps."

Ha!

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 01-18-2013, 12:39 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552
Default

HAHA! Awesome! My relationship with MC, then, is getting ready to learn how to drive, while my relationship with TGIB is walking and eating solid foods.
__________________
~~~~~~~~~
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 01-18-2013, 01:12 PM
BrigidsDaughter's Avatar
BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 822
Default

Lol, my relationship with my husband, Runic Wolf, is flirting, dating, and fooling around. . . . my relationship with boyfriend, Wendigo, is learning to tie it's shoes and write letters and numbers, maybe start pre-school and make some friends.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 01-19-2013, 01:44 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,077
Default

I'm so smiley right now TGIG and BD - way to take my "mini-meme" and run with it! (I shared your responses with my boys and they were so amused that you enjoyed our joke and expanded on it.)

This is one of the many things I love about this forum...I feel I can share the "silly" as well as the "serious" moments here. Yes, poly has it's struggles and bumps, as well as its unique challenges, but most of us are just regular folks who have regular problems and regular joys intermixed with the "poly" stuff. Thank you for sharing this with me!

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 01-25-2013, 04:15 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,077
Default Eyes Wide Open

I received a favorable response to this post, and I would like to preserve the bit about how opening our relationship to an "other" really opened my eyes with regards to my husband:

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
My relationship with MrS was good before Dude came along. We weren't perfect, but we were solid. Many of our friends looked at our marriage as the best example of "happy" they had ever seen. Yet still, when (after one of the most tumultuous times of our 20 years together) MrS gave his stamp of approval to my exploring things with Dude..holy shit, MrS came into "focus" in a way that I can only compare to our early NRE days.

THIS man, who has stood beside me through years of my own angst-y shit, who has explored life with me day-by-day-by-dreary-day, who has seen me at my best and my worst - he is still here. Someone I have sometimes taken out my anger on (unwarranted), that I have neglected at times (because he is a fixture in my life), THIS man is here, by my side, through THIS - my exploration of a connection with an "other." Even THIS is not enough to shake his love for me - even though he is uncomfortable at times, even though he is unsure at times, even though he can't predict how things will turn out. Still, here he is, hanging on - to me, to us, to our marriage, to what we have created together. How could I have not seen? How could I NOT love this WONDERFUL man? (Ah-hah! a light - I CAN'T NOT love him...NOW I can really SEE and APPRECIATE this man that is my husband.)
I'm so glad that my experiences can help others on their own Journeys. I'm also glad that I have this venue to write and learn. And I am double/triple glad that my boys are willing to take this Journey with me.

I am a lucky girl!

JaneQ

PS. This morning Dude was looking at me like "that"...the "meaningful" look, not the "I'm horny" look...and I said: "You know that I am the luckiest girl, right?"...his reply: "I know...you married my best friend." An unexpected, left-field, truism.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 01-28-2013, 07:28 AM
Velvet's Avatar
Velvet Velvet is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 36
Smile Just lovely

JaneQ,

That short paragraph is wonderful. I think it captures the best hopes of anyone starts down the path of polyamory when they already have an established partner. I'm glad you threw in your blog so I could catch it.
__________________
Your task is to acknowledge to yourself and others that every part of you has a right to exist.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 01-28-2013, 06:13 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,284
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
PS. This morning Dude was looking at me like "that"...the "meaningful" look, not the "I'm horny" look...and I said: "You know that I am the luckiest girl, right?"...his reply: "I know...you married my best friend." An unexpected, left-field, truism.
I totally squeed at this. Awesomeness.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 03-24-2013, 04:30 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,077
Default Coming Out...a little more.

We (I) took the plunge this weekend and added another layer to our “coming out.”

Backstory: As I have written elsewhere here, I am a very private person anyway and tend to keep my professional circle of acquaintances, my family, and my social circles very separate. In terms of our immediate families – they know Dude lives with us and accept him has “family” (invited to family holidays etc.) but we don't discuss the details of our relationship or refer to it directly. We are “out” to my personal friends and MrS's and my shared friends from the pre-Dude years – a total of maybe 20 people max over the past 2 years – most of whom are not from/ do not live in our immediate area. I am not “out” at work or in public due to professional considerations.

So, we live/I work near Dude's hometown and he and MrS have been hanging out with some of Dude's old friends. (Dude has lived elsewhere for YEARS before coming back several years ago – about the time MrS met him, a few years before MrS introduced Dude and I in person). Anyway, Dude and MrS have made friends with one couple through mutual friends that they really wanted me to meet. (Incredible, cool, fun, smart, interesting people.) I have been reluctant, beyond even my usual introvert reluctance...and, it took me a little bit, but I finally figured it out.

If we are going to be hanging out with people in a social setting, I need to be able to be myself – to act as I naturally would and talk about whatever came up without “hiding” anything. Anyone who sees the three of us in a casual relaxed atmosphere is going to be able to see the interactions between the three of us and know that there is more than a married couple + roommate/friend dynamic going on. And it's not that I (or MrS or Dude) mind for these friends/friends-of-friends to know for themselves– it's that we live/I work in a small town and there is bound to be at least SOME overlap between my professional life and Dude's social circle.

We all talked about the concerns several times, thought about it, and decided that the benefit of opening myself up to friendships within this group of people was worth the potential risk. So, Friday night we all went to a concert in the nearby city and a small group of us went back to the “interesting couple”'s house for a small party. It was the three of us, the “interesting couple”, a couple that I already know and am comfortable with (Dude's other “best friend” and his girlfriend), another couple and 4-5 other random people. We/I had a great time!

There were a few raised eyebrows on occasion – for instance, a few of us were hanging out in the kitchen and somehow Dude and MrS got to talking about how I sleepwalk sometimes and the funny things that I do. One of the “random people” girls (that Dude and MrS have met before but I haven't talked to) asked “So, do you live together?” - I answered “yes” and went back to the side conversation that I was having, then MrS answered “yes”, then Dude answered “yes” - apparently (it was reported to me later) – with each “yes” her eyes just got bigger.

There was, of course, the inevitable overlap that I was concerned about. It turns out the wife of the “another couple” works with one of my partners from the office in a different setting on a semi-regular basis. I wandered in on the tail-end of a conversation between Dude and the “another couple” were he was, I think, talking about our unusual relationship configuration and the need for some discretion in the work arena. (Now, I don't know this woman, perhaps she is the biggest gossip in the county, if so – the cat is now out of the bag. I don't actually care if my partner that she works with knows – he is a cool guy, we have a “work” friendship and HE is not a gossip – I just don't need it to be “public knowledge”.)

Anyway, the “interesting couple” offered us a bed for the night. Some people left, some people stayed. In the morning it was us, the “interesting couple”, the couple that I already know, and the one “random person” guy that I had gotten to know best during the course of the night. I felt very comfortable. I actually woke up before anyone but the “interesting couple” and we had a nice chat. She took me on a tour of their property on the quad. I had an interesting conversation with the husband – where he asked if I had a good time and he hoped that I didn't feel like they had “hovered over” me too much. Apparently, this little “get together” was engineered in such a way because they were interested in meeting ME! We didn't talk directly about my relationships but they were indirectly acknowledged as a "given".

So – the ice has been broken. I am actually feeling pretty relaxed about the whole situation. The boys and the husband of the “interesting couple” have some projects they are going to be working on together and I see more socializing in our future. Now that I have met them, stayed with them, the boys are free to invite them to our house...

New friendships with interesting people, hmmm – I haven't done THAT it a while (maybe some friendship-NRE coming on?)

JaneQ

PS. Fingers-crossed that I have not just ruined my career... Somehow I don't think so - these people are themselves hippie-freak counter-culture types and not likely to fault us for going against the mainstream. I mean, really, is the tatted-up guy with the dreads down to his waist really going to rat me out for not "conforming" to society's rules on relationships? The folks that are working toward a self-sustaining farm and off-grid living are going to worry about me choosing an "alternative relationship" style? I think not.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 03-24-2013 at 04:47 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 04-27-2013, 03:48 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,077
Default Directionless Anxiety

I had a rough week – and the annoying part is...there is no fucking reason for it! Everything is actually FINE. Yes, there is stress at work – but no more that usual. The boys are actually working on the old house – slower than I would choose but an improvement over the “none” that was happening before. MrS is fine – he is not depressed or upset about anything. Dude is fine – no existential angst or dwelling on old dysfunctional family shit. Nothing is different, yet...I find myself in a state of almost-panic. It's not “about” anything. (This is what is so hard to fathom/explain.)

I have some sort of “Anxiety Disorder” (probably GAD) – I recognize it, my father has it (I am so like him in so many ways). But, usually, this manifests as an anxious state in “response” to something (some “trigger”) but WAY out of proportion. For instance, MrS will make a snippy response to something because he is tired or just annoyed and I will roll that into a whole mental hamster wheel about how he is fundamentally unhappy with our situation and poly and x and y and z...etc. I will then recognize that I am on said “hamster wheel” and can talk myself down, ask MrS for the reassurances that I need, and “get over” it. OR, I will have too many deadlines to meet or too many responsibilities piled on me at work and get myself into a state where all of this is pressing down on me and I can't sleep and I dwell on all of the “work” I have to do. I will then recognize that I am only one person and there are so many hours in the day and I can consciously choose to prioritize the things that are actually important and let the other ones go (So what if deadlines don't get met? So what if meaningless scut-work doesn't get done? Pick the stuff that affects actual people, do that, and move on. Your bureaucracy is not my problem.)

This week though...JEESH! I have this sense of doom with NO direction at all. Like I am waiting for the “other shoe to drop” ….but there was no “first shoe” to instigate it. Like when you wake up at three AM and remember that there is this “really important thing” that you forgot to do...but there IS NO “really important thing.” I tell myself it's just anxiety – doesn't help. My heart is pounding, I can't breathe, I'm shaking. Dude tries to hold me - “What's wrong honey?” Nothing, there is NOTHING FUCKING WRONG – “I'm just feeling anxious...about nothing.” Literally – nothing. There is not a single blessed thing that I am actually worried about – so there is nothing to talk myself down from. MrS looks worried - “Are you okay?” Yes, I'm fine – except I feel like I am going to implode. Nobody has done anything, said anything … but … It feels like something really awful is going to come to light any second now and somehow it will be ALL MY FAULT. (What?! Where?! Seriously, I haven't done ANYTHING different.) How can I argue myself out of feeling bad about “it” when there is no “it”? God-damn-it.

I had some hints that this was coming on over the past weeks – fleeting panics out of proportion the the “threat”. So I did restart the SSRI that I have used in the past (I'm more reluctant to do this than previously, however, since I do notice a decrease in libido that will affect my relationship with Dude, which is much more “physical sex” based than my relationship with MrS). Do I need to go back to counseling? I “did” three months of counseling a few years ago when the stresses of a big deadline/ a big family event/ and stress of infertility all came to a head at the same time. (It was helpful – the deadline passed, the family event was over, and I started to come to terms with the idea that I would likely never bear a biological child). But now? With no “triggers” to talk about?

ARRRGGH!

JaneQ

PS. Today was a good day. Work was lighter than usual. I got a bunch of stuff done that was piling up. And I wasn't in a panic. Maybe the meds are kicking in...or maybe I was being “triggered” by stuff I didn't recognize... we'll see.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:20 AM.