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  #11  
Old 01-23-2013, 06:04 AM
Blopez5293 Blopez5293 is offline
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Smile Know how you feel

I have a son who just turned 12. His dad and I have basically kept a open-door policy about anything and everything he needs to talk about. Because I am bi, I have always been very open with him about sex and relationships. We have had the sex talk and the puberty talk with him. He turned VERY RED but had some great questions once he realized he wouldn't be ridiculed or sent away for being curious.

With this in mind, we have sheltered him from images or material we feel is too old for him. We still screen all movies, you tube videos, or music he watches at home. We tell him that he is simply not old enough to need to be worrying about adult topics and he should enjoy just being a kid.

About 6 months ago he came to me and told me that if he isn't totally gay he is pretty sure he is at least bi. (wasn't really shocked given his personality) I am just thankful that he knew he could talk to us. I think there is a way to be open and honest while staying developmentally appropriate and I am hoping that is the line I am walking. So far it seems to be working. He is happy and aware of sex, while not feeling the need to rush things. His friends call him silly cuz he gets embarrassed so easily but I told him that he will be older soon enough and not to rush it.

For me, it was so much weirder talking to him about sex than it seemed to be for him. I think it has more to do with the fact that my family kept a major DADT policy about all things sex and intimacy until after I turned 18 and moved away that I have nothing to reference to. Now I just plan on keeping the conversation open and making a point of talking to him more as he grows into his new sexuality.

PS- He came home and informed me (in a whisper) that he has his first GF today... but can't tell anyone cuz she doesn't want them to get teased by their peers for it. Ahhhhh, Puppy love.... Those were the days.
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  #12  
Old 01-23-2013, 06:30 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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My kid gets OWL.

Our Whole Lives. It can be bought at the UUA bookstore and you can catch you kid up to his age level. It's done in "layers" over the years to teach the child things a bit more each time around.

UU Poly is field testing the Poly curriculum of "Love Makes a Family" so I don't know when that track is available.

If he's hitting the naturally curious age, ask him what he wants to see/read about. But tell him hitting random porn things online is not wise because some of that stuff is produced well and some of that teaches very poor values -- treating people like THINGS rather than PEOPLE. Some of those things are also scammy and could give the computer a virus or steal credit card info or personal info -- your rule is in place for much more than just sex safety. It's all kinds of safety.

To address the curious -- ask him. What would he like to treat his future partners like? How would he like to be treated like when he is ready for romance and a grown up sex life? Does he think fatherhood is in his future life picture? What makes a good father? If he does NOT want to be a father, how does he control that? What can he do? What kinds of resources does he want access to now that you could help him to find? Does he have questions about his own development? You don't have to answer all his questions. It may be enough to start a list with him of "things I want to know about eventually" so you both can keep track. You are encouraging him to TALK to you above all else.

I have a girl so "The Care and keeping of You" was good. I'm sure there's good boy ones out there on boy development -- I'm just not up on the boy side myself. For BOTH boys and girls, maybe you can snag a copy of "What's The Big Secret?" or "It's so Amazing!"

Then if he wants to see nakedness -- see about sourcing less offensive naked to be looking at WITH YOU. Take him to a museum, go see naked art. The human body is hardly offensive in its natural state. There's tame comic books like Small Favors by Collen Coover -- that show some naked women but keep it in the land of sweet for the most part. Could google that and see some of the images for preview. It doesn't address safer sex practices but it does address a spirit of playful sex, liking each other, etc.

My kid visited Femalia at toddler age because she wanted to know about that "beard" I had.

It was a bathroom question in some restroom and she was little so I had her in the stall with me while I took a pee. She was running around in the stall and suddenly was asking me why I had "a beard down there." My response of "This is not a beard. That's pubic hair, and when you are grown up lady you will have that too" was overheard by some lady near the sinks who told me it was so cute when we came out of the stall to wash our hands.

The Femalia book is just close up shots of female genitalia -- all colors, ages, shapes. My kid walked away feeling fine -- like "Yep. People come in all shapes and colors. Alright. I'll have one of those when I grow up" and there. The curiosity was satisfied but more important -- I wanted her to KEEP COMING TO ME for honest, straight up answers. A few years later she wanted to look at a penis because DH was having a vasectomy. So we told her ok, gives us a bit of time to find her a penis picture then. DH and I had to google something age appropriate. It ended up being one of those "as you grow" things with a baby boy, a toddler boy, a teen boy-man, and a man, and then an old man. She was satisfied.

"The Body" or "Love and Desire" by William Ewing might be photos you could consider as conversation starters with the 10 yr old.

If you want a honkin' encylopedia thing, Sexualia Mundi is awesome. It cannot cover everything ever, but it sure tries to give it a whirl!

If you want trivia bits to look ahead to teen years maybe "Sexy Origins of Intimate things" could the be the conversation starter.

Could have him look things up at the Planned Parenthood websites and talk about their FAQs. Then you are teaching him how to get himself health care too, not just safer sex bits. Every 10 year old is so different. Some are emotionally mature and ready to talk about it, some of them are not. You assess your son wherever he happens to be at right now.

But could raise him to respect a Good Sex Share -- it is a SHARE. Not a think to be TAKEN by force. If you hammer nothing else into his head, hammer that in, how to ask nicely for consent, and safer sex practices so his mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health as an adult are in decent shape. One can always masturbate to take the edge off -- if he needs information about that -- get it for him.

But start looking around now to prepare YOU before he gets to wherever he goes to next in his development. You may not have had this yourself from your parents, but you can be how you want to be as a parent to your own kid. Focus on what you want to achieve with him and go for it.

What your DH does about his GF is a whole other problem. I think that's better in a separate thread maybe?

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-23-2013 at 05:21 PM.
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  #13  
Old 01-23-2013, 08:32 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
Here is the problem. Last night we found out that our son had been watching porn secretly online for a month. One could say I was a bad parent because I trusted him and he knows stuff that is off limits. It was abad mistake on my part, and I've solved that.
Problem? As long as he isnt watching it ten hours a day or going for the real rape stuff, I'm not seeing the problem. I know it's probably a little disconcerting but he WILL get access to the stuff one way or another. Better to let him access it at your house where you have a little more control over the situation rather than a friend's house or public computer where there is far less control.

For myself personally, I started looking at porn fairly young and it actually taught me a lot about the human body in general. Up to that point, I had thought everyone was shaped like I was; flat, no lines, no shape, no color, and I hadn't really developed the eye to see around clothing. Seeing porn actually de-mystified both my own body and the female body. As far as learning how real sex works, its half-and-half for a good/crap ratio but for actual understanding of the human body its good.

Quote:
What I need help with is how to healthily deal with my sons sexuality when I am so conflicted about my own (my husband feels the same way). When he was small I told him sex is for two committed people who love each other. I knew used the word married because we are super pro-gay and know lots of committed unmarried straights. But now things are more complex. My husband and I have both done stuff that (for myself) I consider slutty (for ME NOT others) and have done a few things less than ethical. For example, my husband was supposed to go to a play-party last night and canceled.

We are both conflicted about what we do sexually. And I'm not sure how to deAL with my son.
Sitting him down and explaining everything is likely to go over his head. Kids are sharp but you're throwing around concepts that people dont even get in their 30's and 40's. Best thing to do if you REALLY feel like something has to be explained, give him the bullet points and stress that you (or anyone you trust to do so) will answer any questions he has honestly and without pulling any punches. He'll ask the questions when he's ready.

Just dont bullshit him or give him the "I'll tell you when you're older" line

Quote:
Any way, is anyone on here raising a teween/teen boy? He's a scorpio too ! Bla!
I was one, if that helps.


Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl
But could raise him to respect a Good Sex Share -- it is a SHARE. Not a think to be TAKEN by force. If you hammer nothing else into his head, hammer that in, how to ask nicely for consent, and safer sex practices so his mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health as an adult are in decent shape.
I second this as hard as anything as has ever been seconded.

Make it clear that under no circumstances does someone OWE him sex and coercing or manipulating someone as well as trying to override their comfort levels by "nicing" them into having sex with you is just as bad, if not worse, than actively forcing yourself on someone.
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Last edited by Helo; 01-23-2013 at 08:36 AM.
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  #14  
Old 01-23-2013, 12:00 PM
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Enchanted Enchanted is offline
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Hi Blopez5293. I’m sorta kinda with you. I don’t like the idea that little kids are watching porn although I did the same. But there is nothing anyone can do. I am into kink, I have some fetishes… but I don’t want little kids to be doing those… There are different types of porn out there... some of those really can harm...

Here is an excerpt from a BBC Newsbeat article.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/20034121

Quote:
"In some cases, yes. Guys tend to think it's all about performance, they think they've got to be sexual athletes.
"For girls, it's often about doing things which perhaps they wouldn't normally be comfortable with. Those are the dilemmas people come to us with."

Here are some excerpts from another BBC News article

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-20042508

Quote:
A survey of 16-24 year olds by the University of Plymouth and the UK Safer Internet Centre found that one in three admitted porn had affected their relationships. ChildLine said it had seen a 34% rise in the last year in the number of calls from teenagers distressed by sexual images they had viewed online.
...

Quote:
One 17-year-old, Rebecca, says porn changes boys' expectations of how girls should look. "Long hair, big boobs, big bum. If I had short hair, guys would be like, why short hair? You should grow it out."
Her classmate Femi says porn can worry boys too. "Maybe you're not physically living up to what porn is showing you," he says.
...

Quote:
Karen, now 20, spoke to Radio 1's Newsbeat about the effect porn had on a relationship she had as a teenager.
"I met him first in sixth form. Porn was very much something he did with his friends, they shared websites, and talked about it often, a sort of hobby.
"When he got more comfortable with me, he liked us to watch it together. That's when I started to realise it wasn't normal stuff, it was a bit darker than that.
"Because that was the only experience that I had of it, I thought there was something wrong with me for not enjoying it.
"Very violent... sex, hitting, slapping, scratching, pulling, sort of doing what he wanted at the speed he wanted to do it, and no sort of consideration or care for how it would make me feel.
"He was a boy, he wasn't a rapist in an alley jumping out at people; he thought it was normal and that was what everyone was doing."

You can't ignore it. You can't force him to stop watching porn. If he doesn't have a smartphone chances are at least one of his friends does.

Here is my suggestion what the article has…

Quote:
Gallop thinks parents should also have more of an open dialogue with their children.
"The key is not to get embarrassed, or say something like 'nice girls don't do that', and it doesn't matter if a child doesn't really want to listen, the important thing is to keep the line of communication open," she says.

But again, I am not a parent. I don’t know how to raise a child.
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  #15  
Old 01-23-2013, 02:48 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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When our boys were 12 and 10, we got a call from my sister, whom we had just lived with for 8 months while we built a house, that my 12 year old nephew had crashed his computer with viruses from a porn site and that maybe we should talk to our sons about it. We did talk to them and told them that it's fine to be interested and want to look but that maybe the internet isn't the best place to look, since there is some weird stuff out there. We ended up blocking the internet access on the younger one's Ninetendo DS because he was using it in his bedroom to look at porn and we didn't like that we had little control over the content. We opened that access for him around when he was 14 again.

We also decided that since they were interested, that we'd buy magazines, since then at least we'd know the content that they were getting. We got Maxim because it's racy but fully clothed, which seemed to be what the older one mostly wanted. We also got Playboy because, for the most part, they present things tastefully. We have a whole collection of them on a shelf downstairs that they can take from whenever they want and we don't keep track of anything that they have.

I think it's important to emphasis that sex is something natural and something that most people are interested in. I'd try to work out what issues you have about sex, yourself, because it's possible that you'll pass those issues on to your son without meaning to.

My kids are 16 and 18 now. They seem to have a healthy understanding of sex and life, though they haven't dated yet. I'm fine with that, since they'll have plenty of time to be adults eventually.
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  #16  
Old 01-23-2013, 04:13 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default You might want be careful with terms like "slut"

You should careful using any term that has to do with sexuality and using a negative or otherwise shameful slant.

I would be concerned about my son or daughter being introduced to sexuality with porn. It's not that a good introduction can't be done with porn, or that porn is a bad thing, but it definitely can be.

Too many adults have done themselves a disservice by accepting the belief that their sexuality is something to be ashamed of, and that takes a lot of work to undo after it's been so engrained

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 01-24-2013 at 01:15 AM. Reason: I was being a dick about it, which was completely uncalled ofr
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  #17  
Old 01-24-2013, 11:09 PM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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Thank you so much for the support! Please email more.

I think my post was unclear. My son knows everything. We told him about sex when he was five. He knows about masturbation,. condoms, what it means to be 'gay". He has met transgender people and we have talked about them getting hormones. He knows what a postitute is and, of course, porn. The only thing he is unclear on is abortion and kinky stuff.

I have told him that sex is natural. I told him that masturbation is OK. I, in fact, offered to buy him a girlie magazine.

Here's what happened. He has his own iPad with no child lock. He's a good self-editor so I didn't think of it. He grabbed the iPad from me - was hiding. He had googled porn out of curiosity and then got "stuck" he called it "addicted" He said he felt horrible about lying. He said I had "released him from a coma."

I feel like I came off as being conservative and I'm much much liberal than I know. BUT I do thing 10 yr olds looking at internet porn isn't ok. For me, porn is complex : very anti-feminist (very very) and violent in many ways. I see it as very different from girlie magazines or erotica.

I also do not really want him having sex until after 18. (Again, my personal preference) but I plan to impart this to him through discussing, not rules or pressure.

Yes, I guess people don't agree much. Does anyone else have conflicted feelings about porn or their own sexuality? Did anyone else feel pain in their children not being babies anymore? I guess I wish that I could be in a monogamous, highly romantic relationship. I guess I want that for my son too, but feel hypocritical if I tell him that, I guess that's where my confusion is.

KNOW THAT I AM NOT JUDGING. I don't care what anyone else does! Just trying to figure out my life.
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Old 01-24-2013, 11:10 PM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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I have to reread the posts. I missed some!
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  #19  
Old 01-24-2013, 11:45 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
For me, porn is complex : very anti-feminist (very very) and violent in many ways. I see it as very different from girlie magazines or erotica.
I'm not a big fan of porn, it's just not something I seek out, but I do like erotica. Personally, I see absolutely no difference between porn and erotica. There are good and bad with either and it's up to the viewer/reader to decide what interests them. I have noticed, that women in general prefer to read the erotica, while the men prefer to watch the porn.

Quote:
Did anyone else feel pain in their children not being babies anymore?
Yeah! I'm still reeling just from thinking about the fact that my oldest will be 18 this year.
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  #20  
Old 01-24-2013, 11:57 PM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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Thank you guys! This really loving and helpful, particularly the books and websites. Scary too. Raising a kid is endless work.

I am going to stop him from watching. That's just my decision, and it may come from my conflicts about porn (but I think those have a both an aesthetic and political basis and that's not way off.)

I think my major problems came from 1. learning that he can and will lie and hide things. 2. Coping with losing a "baby". 3, My own conflicts about being poly and how to impart the lesson as he grows older. If you are mono - you might teach the grow up and get married model, but in our case, that's not true, so what DO you teach them. It would be easier for me if I had always been poly or thought I was born poly - but honestly, I'd rather bee mono- I just am unable to get enough needs met in my marriage (and my husband feels the same way). But most of us are taught you get married and live happily ever after (or divorce). What do you teach the kids when yr life isn't like that? What if you are conflicted about your romantic life yourself?

I guess THAT's what I'm really struggling with. Do people in open relationship[s expect/teach their kids to have that too?
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