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  #1  
Old 01-24-2013, 08:23 PM
elliewith3 elliewith3 is offline
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Hi I'm Ellie and sort of new to this. A little history so you can understand. My husband and I have been married for 10+ years and I found out 3 weeks ago that he had a relationship with my cousin/best friend who was living with us. He told me that he feels he is a polyamorist and that he loves us both. Right now I am still trying to wrap my head around this. Has anyone else been in a situation close to mine and how did you handle it?
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Old 01-24-2013, 08:43 PM
Louisa Louisa is offline
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Sympathies. The more I delve into poly stuff the more I realise that everyone's situation is totally unique to them. One thing most people seem agreed on is that communication, open-ness is paramount. Not necessarily that everything has to be told, but that you need to agree between you what can and needs to be divulged. So you've started off on kind of the wrong foot, but I have seen it repaired. It will take a great deal of work on your part to work through your anger/betrayal though. Trust is pretty difficult if its been broken. Good luck (I know this wasnt advice, but the amount of threads in here are too many to count about this stuff so it was just a sympathy note)...
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Old 01-24-2013, 08:51 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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That's really beautiful that he loves you both. But right now what he is is a cheater.

Has he apologized, shown remorse, done anything to make amends? Or are you just supposed to do a complete 180 after being backhanded by his cheating and apologize for not recognizing what an incredible man, so full of love, you have been blessed to have in your life?
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Old 01-24-2013, 09:07 PM
elliewith3 elliewith3 is offline
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What Happened...

He has appoligized for it, he does seem to show remorse. But at the same time he expects me to go from it being just him and I, to being okay lets all live together in a lifestyle I never thought of as a possiblity especially considering that the person he wants to have this with is my cousin.

I have made her move out because as of now we need to repair or try to repair our relationship (we have 3 kids together). I love him and totally understand his feelings and want things to work out between the two of us first.

The big issue is that 11 days after she left he made me decide to weather or not I could accept her the way he wanted me to. I told him that I didn't know and wasn't sure and because he was wanting a decision right then it had to be no.
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Old 01-24-2013, 09:13 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Can I guess what else is coming?

1) He "needs" this other woman. He can't live without her.

2) This is "so hard" for him. He's in a lot of pain.

3) You should be supportive of what he's "going through".

I know there are probably other things but that's all I can think of right off the top of my head.
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  #6  
Old 01-24-2013, 09:15 PM
elliewith3 elliewith3 is offline
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Already there partially Boring...
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Old 01-24-2013, 09:26 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elliewith3 View Post
What Happened...

He has appoligized for it, he does seem to show remorse. But at the same time he expects me to go from it being just him and I, to being okay lets all live together in a lifestyle I never thought of as a possiblity especially considering that the person he wants to have this with is my cousin.

I have made her move out because as of now we need to repair or try to repair our relationship (we have 3 kids together). I love him and totally understand his feelings and want things to work out between the two of us first.

The big issue is that 11 days after she left he made me decide to weather or not I could accept her the way he wanted me to. I told him that I didn't know and wasn't sure and because he was wanting a decision right then it had to be no.
It was often said on the infidelity board I frequented for several years that it takes a minimum of 2 to 5 years to recover from infidelity...and that's in the best of circumstances, with the cheater doing all the right things.

He is expecting the impossible. Three weeks after finding out he expects you to welcome her into your home??? Three weeks after my discoveries, XH was still ducking coffee mugs.

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and recognize that this is an unreasonable request and are strong enough to tell him no, if he must have an answer right now.

I haven't been in your exact situation, but I've experienced a cheating spouse. I would recommend also looking into an infidelity forum. I can send you the link to the one I really liked and found wonderfully helpful. They were entirely supportive of trying to save the marriage if at all possible, never quick to say dump the bastard, but I also felt they were very realistic about just how far one can really go and what should or shouldn't be tolerated. Lots of practical advice, and encouragement, no whining or pity parties.

Last edited by WhatHappened; 01-24-2013 at 10:07 PM. Reason: clarity and misspelling
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Old 01-24-2013, 09:40 PM
elliewith3 elliewith3 is offline
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I would like that link very much What.

Thanks.
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Old 01-29-2013, 03:10 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elliewith3 View Post
Hi I'm Ellie and sort of new to this. A little history so you can understand. My husband and I have been married for 10+ years and I found out 3 weeks ago that he had a relationship with my cousin/best friend who was living with us. He told me that he feels he is a polyamorist and that he loves us both. Right now I am still trying to wrap my head around this. Has anyone else been in a situation close to mine and how did you handle it?
Your cousin comes to live with you and he cheats with her and then expects you to be hunky dory with it in short order?

Oh, hell, no!

I see you made her leave. That's a good start.

He's got a lot to do to attend to the damage from the cheating. The question now is whether you're going to stand up for yourself and demand he take responsibility or if you're going to lay down like a good doormat.

I hope you show spine, myself.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #10  
Old 01-29-2013, 03:45 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
He told me that he feels he is a polyamorist and that he loves us both. Right now I am still trying to wrap my head around this. Has anyone else been in a situation close to mine and how did you handle it?
What's his being poly have to do with his being cheaty and treating his loved ones with less than loving, kind behavior?

What's he planning to do about that bit? Where are his ethics?

We are all free to choose our behavior. We are not free from consequences of our choice. Sounds like he wants to skip right over the consequences. Oy.

Quote:
But at the same time he expects me to go from it being just him and I, to being okay lets all live together in a lifestyle I never thought of as a possiblity especially considering that the person he wants to have this with is my cousin. .
And RUSHING you in the midst of betrayal is his demonstrating kind, loving behavior to his loved one HOW? Does he have an answer?

Quote:
The big issue is that 11 days after she left he made me decide to weather or not I could accept her the way he wanted me to. I told him that I didn't know and wasn't sure and because he was wanting a decision right then it had to be no.
Good for you! You chose self respecting behavior for yourself. He was being pushy pushy and you answered simply -- if you make me choose TODAY? The answer is "no. " Keep choosing self respecting behavior even as you navigate this Muppet Show he's brought you. It is not fun, but choose play like Jedi. You have kids to protect here.

Quote:
I love him and totally understand his feelings and want things to work out between the two of us first.
I see that you love him and you hurt. But you have some soul searching time ahead. Sometimes love is not enough. You have to look out for your own well being and that of the kids. That is NEED.

It doesn't always line up with what you WANT. If loving a person who treats you with less than loving behavior is not healthy and is not meeting your needs, better than you love them from a distance that is safer for you then. Keep loving them but out of the line of fire.

Because just loving someone is not automatic stayingness. Maybe "working things out with him" could be choosing a peaceful divorce for the sake of the kids and both your best healths? Take care of the NEEDS first. Long term best health needs. For you to get your want, he has to be willing to play ball right BACK. And he's not racking up the points there in trustworthy right now.

Could sit with your own self and determine some critical pieces of info before you consider whatever offer he's offering you at this new juncture. Take your time. Do what you need to do. A crisis created by him is not a crisis on your part. There is a difference between "urgent" and "important" -- sometimes people mix up the two. Sometimes something is both urgent AND important. But this? This is important. It is not urgent. Nobody needs the ER.

He may want all kinds of "urgent" so he can leave feeling yucky and go on to feeling yummy. But that doesn't have to come at your expense. You did not make this purchase. You focus on YOUR important stuff to sort within. Do not rush.


Do you want to / are you willing to continue to be in relationship with either of them? Where exactly is your willingness at this point in time? What self care things are you needing at this time?


DO care for you and the children. For sure.



If yes, you are willing, proceed with caution
-- what needs doing from each (you, him, cousin) to repair things broken and rebuild trust? What's the new offer? And remember you can review but do not have to buy.
  • Are we going to keep with the old model? You and him married and CLOSED, you are her cousin-friends, him and her not having an affair and they break up? Restore order to the universe that way? Is that even on the table for either of you?
  • Is there going to be a new relationship model and relationship agreements will be adopted from this point forward? Restore order to the universe this way? So he's the shared V hinge person? You don't have to have it SOLVED instantly, but you do have to indicate a willingness to have some talking time then. He seems to want this for himself. That's nice. Does SHE? Do you? You guys have voices of your own here.
  • New model: He can pursue polyshipping with you and you are willing. But not with her?
  • Something other model thing I cannot think of right now? Do you have anything for this slot? Do they? What sorts of open model relationships and closed model relationship are on the table exactly?

Is your willingness to stay in this romance basically over?
  • Is there going to be a new relationship model where you say "Thanks. So long!" and you remove yourself from the equation?
    • Split up with him? Divorce. And then find healthy ways to deal with learning to coparent/grandparent with your ex.
    • Split up with her?
    • Split up with her AND him?
  • If you want to break up... What needs doing to move you through the break up time swiftly, cleanly, and get YOU to the healing place asap? Not lollygag in Resentment Town or any of those other unsavory pitstops that prolong your suffering?

Bottom line -- you have been trespassed against, and relationship agreements broken by him and her. I am so sorry. This is terrible.

At the very minimum, apology is due. From EACH.

You do NOT have to forgive, though I recommend it. Not for them. For YOUR benefit and YOUR mental health so you can heal and move on to your next future happiness. Without bitterness dragging you down because of their poor conduct. You should NOT have to keep on paying like that with your mental health for their rude. (Understatement, I know. That was shoddy treatment of you. )

You do NOT have to give opportunity to make amends. Some things are solid dealbreakers. Is that where you are at?

Get where YOU are at with your wants, needs, and limits sorted before you try to talk to them about where their wants, needs, and limits are at. And how to move it FORWARD. Goodness know where you all decide to go next (separately, together, or some mix match thing there) but for sure you don't want to live HERE.

Again, I'm sorry. Do the TLC self care you need to do for yourself so you can begin move it forward. Don't linger here in this unhappy place longer than needed.

You may want counseling for yourself or pastoral care or some other kind of support. This is def. an "extra support" kind of time in a Life.

Namaste,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-29-2013 at 04:25 AM.
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