Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 01-23-2013, 06:18 PM
SmallTownGypsy SmallTownGypsy is offline
New Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: East Tennessee
Posts: 2
Default My Novel

I joined long ago when I was in a triad with a wonderful and loving couple. I truly don't remember the last time I posted or what it was about. However, I am not with them anymore though we have remained great friends.

I started writing a damn novel, so I erased it and started over...and ended up with a novel anyways. Sory.

Facts About Now:
I am 31, marrried, and have a 17 month old son with my husband.
Last month, saw a photo of a an old flame whom I've either been in love with or been limerent for (or both? I don't know how that works yet) for over 4 years (known him for over 5 years).
Previously, LO had been married and he and I carried on a FWB affair. I'm not proud.
I was upset about the picture. I had no right to be upset. Then I was guilty for being upset.
I realized the picture was over a year old and that LO had broken up with that girl.
I contacted LO and discussed a poly V relationship. I also re-discussed this with my husband who was understanding as always and knows about how I feel regarding LO.
LO is not convinced and said it was unfair to ask him to be committed to me sexually when I had another man. I told him I was not looking for just sex, but a second relationship.
He asked for details about the future which I cannot provide.

I have to ask, is it really unfair of me to expect LO to be committed to me? Or is the fairness of the situation in the eye of the beholder? Closed V's exist, right?

The fact is I feel if LO doesn't commit, then he will find someone else and leave the relationship to be committed to someone else and I will be broken-hearted as I always was with him when he was married. He dated a girl. I can assume he was committed to her. He told me he thought at the time that he was in love with her. She was not as open-minded as I am (something which LO says he likes about me).
I read that men with mistresses do thing with the other woman that they would never do with their wife, even though the wife may be willing to do it. However, the acts may be thought to be degrading in the man's mind so he would never do that with his wife, mother of his children, whom he loves and respects. So he does it with someone he does not have those feelings for. I worry that since LO has already had me as a mistress and knows I'm a bit kinky that he may never be able to love me or respect me.

I'm rambling. My questions are above.
Reply With Quote
Old 01-24-2013, 07:39 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,413

Hi SmallTownGypsy,

I am thinking perhaps you perceived your relationship with LO somewhat differently than how he perceived it? Like, maybe he didn't think it was the kind of relationship that could become a committed relationship, even though to you it seemed like it could be a committed relationship.

Creating a committed relationship between any two people requires the full consent of both people. If LO doesn't want to form this committed relationship, you have to try to respect his reasons and freewill. It's probably okay to keep talking to him about it up to a certain point; if talking about it starts upsetting him, then it's probably time to ease off.

It's not necessarily a fair situation, but, in life sometimes unfair happens. It's not like you can make LO's choice for him.

"Closed V's exist, right?"
Of course. I live in one myself. It's just that they're not right for everyone; maybe a closed V isn't right for LO? Only he can decide that.

It sounds like there is some uncertainty about what LO will decide. As long as there's uncertainty, and as long as he's okay with talking about it, then you can continue to talk about it, try to find out where is misgivings are, and see if they can be addressed.

Hope some of this helps.
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:06 PM.