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Old 01-24-2013, 05:52 PM
Lynn Lynn is offline
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I posted my introduction in the Introduction section not too long ago where I explained that I'm in a D/s relationship. I knew from the beginning that N was poly. He's been extremely patient with me as I came to terms with this. We talked a lot, he answered all my questions, and more important, has reassured me time and time again that I'm the love of his life and he wants us to grow old together. And to be honest, I've always felt that a relationship with ONLY one person forever and ever seemed a bit unnatural. How can you promise to just love that one person and never love anyone else? So the concept wasn't all that hard for me to grasp. But of course it's very different when it's you.

N told me a couple of weeks ago that he'd met someone that he thinks we'd both like very much. Ideally, what he has wanted was someone we both could be close to, who would like to be a part of our relationship part-time, if that makes sense. I'm bi so it would be perfect if we could both feel a connection with her. But he's been honest to say that while that's what he would like to find, he could never promise that he wouldn't develop deep feelings for someone. He's been very honest about everything and I appreciate that and I don't think I could have gotten this far without that honest and open communication. I do trust him completely. He has made me promise that I'll talk to him about my feelings as we go along, about fears or concerns or anything that might make me feel angry or jealous...so that we can deal with them together. Yes I'm a very lucky girl!

So far, there's been nothing between them but a lot of talking and getting to know each other. Partly because he doesn't rush into anything, but partly I'm sure because he wants to give me time to deal with each step before he takes the next.

Last night she came over and we finally met. She's very very sweet, good sense of humor, and I don't pick up on anything that would make me think she would want to cause problems. He did tactfully excuse himself for a little while and I know it was so she and I could talk. She told me how nervous she'd been to meet me and asked how I felt about the whole thing. I told her I'm excited about a new adventure and looking forward to getting to know her. Which is true. But I guess I wasn't completely honest because I didn't talk to her about everything else I'm feeling. I'm not sure I want to talk to her about those my fears and insecurities.

Then he came back and the three of us visited awhile. Nothing heavy, just chatting and joking and laughing. I do like her and I do have a good feeling about her. After an hour or so, I excused myself, saying I was feeling very tired. I did this to let him know I was ok with everything and to let him know he has my blessings. It was the hardest thing I think I've ever done. They both said good night and he looked into my eyes and told me he loved me. Then I left.

Now he's told me I can ask anything and that he will hide nothing from me and will never do anything "behind my back." Today everything is as it always is. He texts me several times a day just to let me know he's thinking about me, to ask how my day is going, to tell me he misses me, etc. Neither of us has mentioned last night. I know I could ask but I really don't want to. I want so badly to just not feel the way I'm feeling. It's not exactly jealousy. I've never been a jealous person. But it feels....strange. I think I might be a little insecure. Not insecure about him leaving me or liking her better; I know how much he loves me and how committed he is. I think in the back of my mind is the possiblity that he could come to REALLY care for her and I think about how much that would hurt. I know it shouldn't hurt me and in my head, I understand and believe in the poly way of life. But my heart isn't cooperating.

I'm not sure if any of this is making any sense. I just want to do this right and I don't want to take advantage of his "open door" policy. I don't want to put him in a position of betraying her confidence or "kissing and telling." I just don't want to make mistakes that would let him (and myself) down.
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Old 01-25-2013, 04:01 PM
riftara riftara is offline
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It sounds like knowing what happens between them is important to you.

Maybe you should negotiate this with him, how much is he willing to tell you about what happens? How much do you need to know. Note need, not want.

Would you feel better if you heard him say "we had sex"? Would it just hurt more? I think you should play that out in your head a few times.

John and I have negotiated what we tell and that has changed as our relationship grew, at first, he needed to know everything, now a "we had sex" is sufficient. Me, I never wanted more than "we had sex" and I dont even need that now, though he tells me usually.

If this is important, you need to talk about it.
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Old 01-25-2013, 04:19 PM
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AphroditeGoneAwry AphroditeGoneAwry is offline
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mmmmm.


I so know how that feels. And it brings back good memories. You are very fortunate to be embarking on a triad when everyone is fond of everyone else.

Do you feel much compersion?

I don't think 'kissing and telling' applies at all. Once you embark on an open relationship, there really can be no more secrets at all. Everywhere there is a secret there will be a wrinkle, and where there is a wrinkle, there is room for bad feelings to fester.

Yet you said you have a D/s relationship....I still think the more honesty there is, the better, even in a D/s style (maybe even moreso).
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Old 01-25-2013, 05:41 PM
Lynn Lynn is offline
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The thing is, I'm not bothered by them having sex. And I don't need a blow by blow. I think it's the intimacy that makes me feel a bit insecure. He's willing to talk about anything I need to talk about and he's willing to answer any questions I have. But I don't even know what questions to ask. I know I wouldn't really wanting him talking to her about our alone time so it's not right for him to talk to me about their time together. I know this is growing pains; I can see that. But it's hard and I just wish I could calm down because I'm sure I've built it up in my mind to be much more serious than it is.
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Old 01-25-2013, 06:00 PM
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AphroditeGoneAwry AphroditeGoneAwry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lynn View Post
The thing is, I'm not bothered by them having sex. And I don't need a blow by blow. I think it's the intimacy that makes me feel a bit insecure. He's willing to talk about anything I need to talk about and he's willing to answer any questions I have. But I don't even know what questions to ask. I know I wouldn't really wanting him talking to her about our alone time so it's not right for him to talk to me about their time together. I know this is growing pains; I can see that. But it's hard and I just wish I could calm down because I'm sure I've built it up in my mind to be much more serious than it is.
So you are going to have a sort of V? Or are you and she going to be involved?
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Old 01-25-2013, 07:00 PM
Lynn Lynn is offline
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He's hoping she and I will form some kind of connection. I think we both would like it if we could all have a relationship. I've meet her once so it's to soon to know
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Old 01-26-2013, 06:16 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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The question you asked is a good one and is one that I've asked myself recently too. I actually even asked the question on here a month or so back.

Firstly, I want to applaud you for even getting to this stage in the way that you have. I've been poly for two years, with my girlfriend, and the first year was a huge learning curve of mistakes and bad behaviour. After that came the typical strict-ish guidelines, along with complete disclosure of everything. Finally, now, we have reached a stage of trust and relaxed. You seem way ahead of the game.

It's normal to feel what you're feeling. Being poly is kind of like being at University. You can study for years, but when that big test comes, you're as nervous as hell.

I completely empathise with being unsure of what to ask, what to know. In the early days, it helped me to know everything. These days, I don't want to know anything at all. What you choose is definitely down to you.

I have noticed one thing. When something has just happened, like a date, knowing feels like a truck has hit me. But, a few weeks or months later, knowing something isn't as bad.

I don't believe in 'don't ask don't tell' - the option of an open book is good, in my opinion. But what you have to ask yourself is: "how does my mind work?" If you hear those words "yes, we had sex", are you going to imagine all kinds of things? Often, you hear something unexpected. He could say "we didn't go all the way". What are you going to imagine then?

Ultimately, it comes down to whether or not you feel them doing something would effect your relationship. You are very, very, very lucky that he is still being so wonderful to you. Read the pages here and you will see so many people upset because their partners are neglecting them whilst they chase NRE. From the sounds of it, your relationship is solid. Nothing promotes love and security more than personal freedom, in my opinion.

Poly was something that I believed in, but was quite painful for me, when I knew details. Now that I don't ask, it's easier. I know my GF is dating; I know who she's dating; I know when. I know if she meets someone new, if she's getting to know them. The rest is up to her. If it doesn't effect me, I needn't be bothered. And you know.... knowing doesn't stop anything bad from happening. I have felt neglected or insecure in my relationship at times, even when I've known what's going on. But reminding myself that it's her body, her heart, her mind... being more autonomous... has truly helped me.

My advice would be to follow your instincts. You'll probably be overcome with curiosity and ask him, when the time feels right. I'd say give it a few days, at least. And if you do ask him and if the knowledge hits you like a truck, you'll probably cry, you'll go to bed, you'll wake up, you'll see him, you'll feel his love... and you'll know that, actually, everything's going to be alright.
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Old 01-27-2013, 07:37 PM
katja24 katja24 is offline
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Sparklepop: This is an amazing response. Your post resonated with me a ton- you encapsulated a lot of my own journey. Thank you for being so articulate about your own journey with the level of disclosure that you have needed throughout your poly days!! :-)
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  #9  
Old 01-27-2013, 08:45 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I like to know if my partners have moved/want to move a relationship from non sexual to sexual. Then it's not some surprise it happened when they have to tell you a condom broke or some person down the line got an STI that we should both be tested for. And then I feel like they are my friend, cause my friends tell me when they have a new partner.

I like to know if they ate at a restaurant and the food is awesome, so I/we can check it out. I like to know if they saw a movie and think I'd like it too. I'd like to know if they are talking about going away on a vacation. I like to have partners be proactive about things that will impact our "usual" schedule or date nights instead of having things sprung on me. Hmm. If I was a D/s partner and THEY were a D/s partner (or maybe even if they weren't), I might also ask that if he was finding himself drained by activities with her, that he try to schedule things so that I don't get the short end of the stick because he's tired from the night before, or that SHE doesn't get the short end of the stick either.

I don't think those are particularly private things, or intimate things, but the a couple of them are pertinent to my well being too. I don't have a problem knowing more intimate or private things if my metamours are comfortable with that, but they aren't my business otherwise, unless it comes to safe sex issues.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 01-27-2013 at 08:47 PM.
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