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  #21  
Old 01-22-2013, 05:34 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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As gently as I know how to say it--when you dismiss him as 'inflexible,' 'having no room for logic,' and believing something only because he has been 'conditioned' to think so, isn't that pretty insulting? Isn't that dismissing him as a human being?

Aren't you yourself, in fact, being a little inflexible by (apparently) taking the attitude that the only possible correct answer for a man in his position is to embrace another man being physical with his wife, and your friend must therefore be inflexible and illogical if he can't see that?
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  #22  
Old 01-22-2013, 05:47 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I almost chimed in with my 2 cents earlier but I wasn't feeling up to it.

Why don't you just leave the husband alone? Stop trying to explain, encourage, share with him stuff. If a metamour was nonstop trying to get me to see their viewpoint or reassure me when I just wanted them to leave me alone and give me space to think, I'd be beyond pissed off. He needs time and he's not going to feel like he's getting it if you're spending HOURS talking to him. Youre not dating him, you're dating her. Men don't like to spend hours processing their feelings in general from what I understand, so just back off and keep your conversation with him in the neutral friend zone, back to topics you discussed BEFORE you got involved with his wife.
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  #23  
Old 01-22-2013, 06:09 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I'm not saying that you need to be gentler with him, I'm sure you're doing your best to be kind. But people can often sense, even subconsciously, how you feel about them, which will obviously color things... and your words here are very negative, which doesn't seem like a good sign. Maybe that's just you venting and doesn't reflect how you really feel -- which is cool, it's important to have a place to vent safely -- OR maybe you really do look down on him and that's making things harder... for BOTH of you, really, because for you it means you're abiding by a rule you dont like put in place by someone you don't respect, which is gonna be harder to follow than a rule requested by someone you DO respect.

So, yeah, I could be totally off-base. But rather than trying to treat him differently (which, if your thoughts stay the same, would just mean being fake, which most people can pick up on), I would just suggest really trying to put yourself in his shoes, really imagining how you might have felt if your wife had always given you less cause to feel secure and satisfied in your marriage, and you had never once thought of non-monogamy, until suddenly you find out she's in love/lust with your best friend and needs HIM to be happy and turned on. Yikes. Anyone would need time to adjust, time to be a little scared and sad and unsure, time to come to trust that no one involved is looking to make a fool of you (which is just what you were proposing to do in your first post!).

Remember, three months is really no time at all when it comes to making an adjustment like that... though of course it feels like an eternity to two people newly in love! Your reality and his are very different right now.
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  #24  
Old 01-22-2013, 06:16 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by graviton View Post
Well both my wife and his wife have been present during our interactions, they have never once told me I was overly harsh, bullying, disrespectful or anything. They have only told me that they admire how gentle I am. Reading my frustration on a forum and actually seeing our interactions are two different things.
Given all you've said about him here, and trying to imagine you speaking with him for hours, regarding him as inflexible for not loving the thought of his wife with another man, and the idea that you're being 'gentle' with him...I'm imagining a man who's feeling very condescended to; who gets the feeling he's being treated like a foolish child who's a little bit slow and can't quite GET IT and stop being difficult but everyone is being oh-so-patient with him, nonetheless.

I'm not there, I don't know you or him, but from your own descriptions, it's very easy to believe this may be how it feels to him.

Last edited by WhatHappened; 01-22-2013 at 06:16 PM. Reason: INCORRECT USE OF A HOMOPHONE, oh no!
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  #25  
Old 01-22-2013, 06:17 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Okay as a wife who opened her marriage in the wrong way, emotional affair, and is now looking back at how things went and kicking myself I have a couple of things to bear in mind.

First of all, all marriages have issues. No one teaches you how to have a relationship. How to talk, how find a way to communicate. Language is just part of it and what you are saying is not what is heard. Knowing what you want to communicate and how to get rid of those assumptions you have about relationships and learn that the ones you have are not the same assumptions other people have. It's hard!

Now, a little more than five years later our marriage is better. We learned a lot to help our marriage, but it wasn't easy. It was rough, it still is. Yes, opening up to poly was an instigation to a lot of these good changes, it doesn't mean that DH sees poly as a good thing. These were changes we needed regardless! We just had no idea how to do them or communicate them well.

So maybe, yes, he's learning where the cracks are in his marriage and now how to deal with them. However, that doesn't mean he has to LIKE that it took an outside relationship to get the information they needed to help their marriage.

Also, you seem to be falling into a pretty common newbie poly trap. Some never fall out of it sadly. That trap is, pretentiousness. You come off as very pretentious. You may think you don't, but I read it in every one of your posts and I can't believe he doesn't pick up on it. You are talking about how you have been NOTHING BUT HONEST, and the women in your life think you are nothing but kind and considerate. That you are discussing things and trying so hard to get HIM to see things in your light. Obviously because it's the right light! It's the more evolved light!

Don't stick in that trap. The truth is, he doesn't need to see things from your point of view. Any more than you need to see them from his. If what you wanted was so right and honest and makes sense for you, why can't what he wants be right and honest and make sense for him?

Sounding like you have all the answers and are doing everything right and just don't know why he can't get on board is so pretentious and honestly from his POV, probably a little douchey.

You want him to respect you and believe that you DO respect him? If this, bringing all of this up, is causing him and his wife to work on issues that have long needed that work, back off. Let them. No one wants to be told their marriage is saved or made better because someone else wants to bone their spouse. Brutal, but true.
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  #26  
Old 01-24-2013, 05:22 AM
bobcat725 bobcat725 is offline
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Default similar reaction...

I don't have much to say other than to relate to what you're experiencing. My husband and I are new to poly (8-9 months?) and I recently began seeing someone after months and months of just talking about it incessantly with husband.

His reaction was similar to your friend's husband's reaction (he loves me and wants me to be happy, and is trying to adjust to my needing to have a relationship with another man). Every day it was a new emotion - very wishy washy. My lover has been understanding, then puzzled, then irritated and frustrated. And then he felt guilty (for "causing our marital strife" - not true). He is now keeping himself at somewhat of an arm's length as my husband and I try to work through my NRE with lover and our new-to-poly adjustments.
All I can say is, it takes a LOT of time and WORK to make these relationships successful. A LOT.

Be patient with him. He deserves it. My husband deserved it and sometimes I'm not very good at being patient. And it's not fair to him. He's trying to accept all of this with the hope that our love and relationship will sustain and remain strong. I imagine this is what that husband feels, and it really is a struggle. I'm sure it's putting him through an emotional ringer.

You might want to just lie low for a bit and give him (them) some space. For us, talking about it every single night was not a great thing. Everyone needs a respite sometimes.

Good luck.
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  #27  
Old 01-24-2013, 05:41 AM
graviton graviton is offline
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update: its over...I broke up with her...I discovered my wife has been cheating on me and now I have to decide what to do with our marriage and children...right now she is the ugliest person on the planet to me. oh the irony.
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  #28  
Old 01-24-2013, 07:01 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I'm confused Why break up with your gf because your wife cheated on you ? Was your gf party to or help enable the cheating ?
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  #29  
Old 01-24-2013, 07:07 AM
graviton graviton is offline
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I did it because I didn't want to cause him even a fraction of the pain that I feel. I had more love and respect for this man than my own wife had for me. My girlfriend it turns out was also going to end it because she didn't want to be a distraction for our attempt to stay married. I have only loved two women in my life and I lost them both today. I have never felt so alone.

Last edited by graviton; 01-24-2013 at 07:12 AM.
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  #30  
Old 01-24-2013, 07:26 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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How long has she been cheating on you ?

Do you know her bf ? Does she plan to break up with him or at least put him on hold while you figure out your new poly dynamics ?

Has your wife and her new partner declared their love for each other....or is it too new or just about the sex ?

Last edited by dingedheart; 01-24-2013 at 07:33 AM.
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