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Old 01-23-2013, 04:12 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Location: Upstate NY
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It sounds to me like something happened and your BF and GF realized their marriage was in jeopardy. They told you that they would need some time to work on it. (Or so it would seem to them as they say that they "warned you".) So, if that is the case you are left with two choices, 1) accept that they need to do this and respect their time with each other, 2) let them know that you cannot accept this if it means that you get no time or whatever it is that you need and ask to separate your lives in a way that leaves you feeling valued. . . .close friend and room mate, but not babysitter or once a month babysitter whilst you get on your feet.

You are much younger than your BF and somewhat younger than his wife. How is it that you ended up in this relationship and living with them? How long have you been living with them? How long have they been neglecting you?
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Old 01-23-2013, 05:56 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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GalaGirl: I have made it clear how I feel, I'm not entirely sure they understand. But yes, I do feel left out. And it needs to change, I have made THAT much clear and then Glenn gives me the same old lecture of "we warned you it was going to be off for awhile and it's going to be hard soemtimes and i'm going to need more Sam and I times and we will have you watch Jocelynn" and as much as I am "ok" with watching the kid, I really don't like that I am not getting anytime with this relationship. >.> And GG I get exactly what you mean by saying one thing but doing another. But I don't want to lose them. But I don't want to seem vulnerable or even their "toy." What I want the most of this polyship is fair time with each other as well as time as a polyship. I want my needs to be met as well as I want to meet theirs. But I refuse to bend over backwards to make them happy 24/7. I need to be happy too.
That's fine they need time alone to work on their stuff. That bold part would grate on me if they are just ASSUMING you are willing to be the babysitter all the time for their convinience. That's kinda fresh.

Maybe you are willing to do that sometimes if asked nicely. Do they even bother to ask nicely? Or just announce it and assume your time is theirs to dictate? Maybe sometimes you need time ALONE to do your own things and just are not up for babysitting. Maybe you want the time to seek a job, school, hobbies -- whatever it is you need to do for YOU. Has that part been addressed? Your need for your own alone time?

You are not going to "lose them" if they are willing to work with you and be in relationship with you. If they are NOT willing to work with you -- better you know it NOW than keep being strung along and keep on feeling like a live-in sex toy/babysitter machine thing rather than like a person in your own right.

Could start saying "No" sometimes on the babysitting. Just not be available. Choose yourself a bit more so you are doing your end of the work to bring this to a better balance.

Don't say you are willing to do things you are not really willing to do -- that feeds your resentment. You have to consider YOURSELF too. Not just ask THEM to consider you. But YOU consider you and meeting some of your own needs.

You may like the child and them, but your time is yours to spend, not theirs to dictate. If they are being fresh and taking you and your time for granted, you could call them into account for that and ask to be treated with more consideration than they are giving on that part of things, since you are willing to give their marriage time needs consideration too. Turn about is fair play here.

Maybe living in your own flat would give you the space required to bring this to healthier balance? So you can still be in relationship with them but not be taken for granted (you or your time) because you are just THERE all the time? Not break up but stop with the bit that is not working -- cohabitating?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-23-2013 at 05:15 PM.
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Old 01-23-2013, 04:56 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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Agreed with Marcus - this seems like a HUGE power imbalance. They house/feed/transport you and they assume you'll take care of their child, and they then tell you the level of attention you will receive, regardless of your needs?

Regardless of whether or not you enjoy taking care of their child, or whether or not you love and miss them, getting out from underneath their "assistance" is probably going to be the best thing you can do for yourself right now, if it's at all possible. Then perhaps you will BE on more equal footing and be able to pull a little more weight when asking for what you need ("I need to be with adults, and if you can't/won't be with me, then I will go out on my own." - that sort of thing).

Good luck!
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Old 01-24-2013, 12:41 AM
eternallygreatful eternallygreatful is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Boston, Mass
Posts: 5
Default Mixed Opinion

Let me begin by saying that all relatioships have their problems and fights, especially poly ones because you are trying to balance three different points of views and lives together. If you are not able to handle having fights and coping with the fall out, then you are not going to be able to have any form of relationship that will be successful. Poly relationships are all about balancing lives and compromising and making things work for all of those involved.

You have mentioned in your post that they "celebrated" their marriage, where they should. You make it sound like just because they brought you into their relationship that they should not have a past and that everything before you should be unimportant. They should be able to celebrate their past without you feeling bad as long as they still celebrate the milestones within the poly relationship as well. If they refuse to recognize your anniversaries or dates important to the poly relationship, then you may have a problem to argue about.

As far as these dates that they go on, what exactly do they do? Do they go out every night without you and just expect you to be okay with that? If so then there could be a problem. However, if you have agreed to give them time to work on their marriage, which definately sounds like it could use some TLC, then you cannot be too upset when they try to do that. You should not say things that you do not mean in relationships because it only leads to problems and your resentment for their spending time together. Do either of them make an effort to spend any time with you or are they always by themselves? It sounds like from this and some of your other posts that the three of you are all very busy people, and that could play into some of the bad scheduling. Sometimes that is all a relationship really needs, a set schedule of things to do and when to do them.

Now you have mentioned that you love this little girl, but you make it seem like it is such a burden to have to "babysit" her. Do you consider yourself to be a part of the relationship and the family? That little girl probably sees you as a parent, as many children of poly parents do because they do not know the difference. While she is not your biological child, you got into the relationship knowing that the child was a part of the package. When a child is under your care and you and that child love each other like a parental child relationship normally is, it is not called babysitting, it is called being a parent. Do your bf and gf ask you to watch their child, or simply expect it and was it something that you had said was ok when you got into the relationship? You have said that you do not work or contribute financially to the relationship and that they are your providers, so having the responsibility of taking care of the child shouldn't be too big of a burden as long as they aren't just going out and excluding you every night. You say how much you want things in this relationship to be equal by acting as if they shouldn't have a past, but then you turn around and say that you don't want to have it equal when it comes to being a parent to the child, which if you didn't want that then they would have to hold onto some of that past that it seems you are so desperate to try to erase.

You also mentioned in this post that on top of feeling like a live-in babysitter, that you also feel as if you are your bf's sex toy for the things that your gf cannot do. What exactly would you be able to do for him that she couldn't? What is your sexual relationship like with your gf, because you have only mentioned your relationship with your bf, which again doesn't sound like you want an equal relationship. You make it seem as if you are only appreciated for the things that you are able to do in the sack and nothing else with your bf. If that is the case, then make an effort to do other things besides have sex.

I am mixed about this because you seem to be complaining about them having a past and then not wanting to move forward as being a part of the family and being a parent to the child. They need time to work on their broken marriage, and you agreed to that, but they do need to make time for you as well. You do not contribute to the household and seem to complain about having to do something as simple as watching a little girl, when they could definately require you to help with the bills. You need to do some things to gain your independance from the relationship, but you also need to appreciate what you have in it as well. You need to figure out what is causing you to feel like a sex toy with your bf and why you don't mention much about the relationship with your gf. In the end, get some therapy, couples and individual.
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