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Old 01-23-2013, 05:40 PM
GSAS082612 GSAS082612 is offline
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Default Too Many Problems, Not Much Help and I need it! PLEASE

So while I am looking to UNDERSTAND how to take care of what is “wrong” with the relationship, Both, Sam and Glenn have referred to me as “demanding attention” and “complaining.” They tell me that I am “difficult to handle” and that I am “complex.” Glenn says he is a simple mind and that I am not and that he loves that about me, but when it comes down to it, with fights and issues and trying to get adjusted to the relationship, they refer to me in such a negative way that it pisses me off. Last night, was again another one of those nights. It didn't make sense why they had to go to my posts on here and why when they did they had to get on me for being one-sided.

I am NOT intending to be one-sided, but I can’t tell everyone else how THEY feel, because we ALL see things on a different perspective. When people talk about situations they are in, naturally it is one-sided, because they are in the situation and you don’t ever really see the other people(s) sides until after they explain it. And I post this all at the peak of my anger to be honest. Because that is when my emotions are aware of exactly how they feel, I know just what I feel and how they make me seem and I’d rather NOT, not get help. If that makes any sense? I want help. I want people to tell me where I could be wrong in the situation, where I am right. How it could be fixed, if there is any “fixing” needed at all or even if I am plain out being “over-emotional.”

No, I don’t ALWAYS take criticism well, but what person really does, all the time? I am just seeking help for a very twisted relationship. And we have so many different situations I am desperate for someone’s insight.

SITUATIONS:

a) Sam’s jealousy with Glenn and I being together, and ever having conversations without her.

b) Glenn’s distrust in both Sam and I and his accusatory ways of assuming I have “feelings” for friends of mine because they have things for me.

c) My feeling left out. With them being married, I naturally feel left out because I was thrown into the mix, 2 months before they celebrated their 1 year marriage anniversary and 4 months before they celebrated the 3 year relationship.

d) The “baby” issue. With my not being able to have the opportunity to have a baby, the emotions run high because Sam is pregnant, and I am having to cope with my miscarriage 5 months ago and not having a chance to have my own family.

e) The issue of Sam’s infidelity and Glenn trying to work to fix his “marriage” which leaves me suffering. When they work on that, I am going to be jealous and I will get cranky. I can do it, and I will because I love them. But does it mean my emotions don’t matter or do I really have to “suck-up” and let them work it out and be emotionally numb.

f) Quality time being shot. They seem to think I am making it all about me. And I think I am TRYING to make it all about them. I am concerned for their marriage but as well I have to think of where I am going when it comes down to it. So, they both have needed to take care of me because I was in the E.R. twice last week so they were unable to get quality time, anniversary time, fixing the marriage time. Or even Glenn’s personal time that he says he needs. I don’t get much time with Glenn, or Sam, or both. With their work, and my schooling, we don’t get much time together. Truthfully, I see Jocelynn more than I see them.

Those are only some of the issues we are trying to deal with. For the sake of them, what am I doing wrong? But really, what can I do to help with ANY of the situations?
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  #2  
Old 01-23-2013, 06:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Honey, I am sorry you are hurting.

But it comes back full circle time and again.
  • You are doing your best to communicate and articulate your wants, needs, and limits to your polyship people.
  • They are not willing to change behavior to meet your wants, needs and limits. Yet expect you to meet their wants, needs and limits.
  • Or change something YOU can change to see if you feel better:
    • You can accept this and stay and change your attitude about it.
    • You can choose to keep the relationship but change where you live so you don't have to be "too close for comfort" witnessing drama
    • You can choose to leave the relationship because it does not feed you
    • You can choose something else I have not though of yet or some mix and matchy things. You have OPTIONS. Exercise them.


They talk down to you using violent communication words like this:

Quote:
Both, Sam and Glenn have referred to me as “demanding attention” and “complaining.” They tell me that I am “difficult to handle” and that I am “complex.”
rather than using non-violent communication words? Well, that's not kind.

Feedback on your situations? Could assess it honestly to yourself. I am not there. But if I were?

Quote:
a) Sam’s jealousy with Glenn and I being together, and ever having conversations without her.
I would want to know... Is she planning on dealing with her jealousy in constructive ways to overcome it or not? Sounds like not to me given your past posts. Because if there's non-trust there, there is not 100% trust in this polyship.

Quote:
b) Glenn’s distrust in both Sam and I and his accusatory ways of assuming I have “feelings” for friends of mine because they have things for me.
I would want to know... is he planning on dealing with his own jealousy there? Sounds like not to me given your past posts. Because if there's non-trust there, there is not 100% trust in this polyship.

Quote:
c) My feeling left out. With them being married, I naturally feel left out because I was thrown into the mix, 2 months before they celebrated their 1 year marriage anniversary and 4 months before they celebrated the 3 year relationship.
You were thrown into the mix? Or you agreed to enter into relationship with them? Own your part of the elephant, hon.

The other half? Having been here in relationship with them for a time? If I found they do not provide me with emotionally safe space (ex: they read my venting posts and fuss at me at home in destructive trust breaking down communication ways rather than constructive trust building up communication ways. )

I would find it hard to trust them because they will not communicate with me in a way where I can feel heard and respected. But this is you here. Do you feel that way in those shoes?

Are they planning to provide you with your wants, needs, and limits at home or not? So far? Seems like NOT.

Quote:
d) The “baby” issue. With my not being able to have the opportunity to have a baby, the emotions run high because Sam is pregnant, and I am having to cope with my miscarriage 5 months ago and not having a chance to have my own family.
That is your part of the elephant. You can have a baby WHEN you want to, with a partner who wants to share that with you or via donor sperm. Your body and your reproductive choices are yours.

You are choosing to give them up because you are choosing to stay in this relationship. It's your value call there.

If this is unsatisfactory and the relationship here cannot accommodate your desire for future children, then perhaps this is not the relationship you wish to stay in because of that limitation. Again, your call.

Quote:
e) The issue of Sam’s infidelity and Glenn trying to work to fix his “marriage” which leaves me suffering. When they work on that, I am going to be jealous and I will get cranky. I can do it, and I will because I love them. But does it mean my emotions don’t matter or do I really have to “suck-up” and let them work it out and be emotionally numb.
While their mini relationship corner of the larger polyship world deservers TLC time too? So do the mini relationships that DO have you in them. You and your relationship to yourself. You + Glenn. You + Sam. You+Glenn+Sam. All of those.

To me it sounds like you love them, but are not receiving loving and kind behaviors from them.
  • You can choose to stay there in this condition.
  • Or choose to leave the situation as it now stands - you in relationship with them and cohabitating with them. Or you could decide to own a piece of the elephant and go change something, anything. See if it feels any better to you. Change both parts, one part, something else... pick things YOU can do.
  • The other option -- communication your needs to them and asking THEM for changes? That is not happening. You have tried repeatedly and have oodles of posts struggling with that. Only they can choose to change their behavior or not.

Could choose to stop beating your head on that brick. Could choose to accept the current reality. You are not going to squeeze any juice from that particular orange. Your wants, needs, and limits are not going to be met here. Def not right now. Not sure when, if ever.

Are you willing to still wait around to see? Or are you done? Only you can answer that kind of personal question. I do see that you suffer. I am so sorry.

But you are not making changes yourself to see if things improve. So... pick something ELSE to try to change.

Quote:
f) Quality time being shot. They seem to think I am making it all about me. And I think I am TRYING to make it all about them. I am concerned for their marriage but as well I have to think of where I am going when it comes down to it. So, they both have needed to take care of me because I was in the E.R. twice last week so they were unable to get quality time, anniversary time, fixing the marriage time. Or even Glenn’s personal time that he says he needs. I don’t get much time with Glenn, or Sam, or both. With their work, and my schooling, we don’t get much time together. Truthfully, I see Jocelynn more than I see them.
Welcome to the reality of being in not a 3 people rship, but a 4 people, soon to be 5 people family. (The Jocelyn kid and the kid on the way pregnancy.)

The polymath for a 5 person unit using Serolynne's formula is

2^n - n - 1

(Mine is a bit more because I break it out deeper, but let's use Serolynne since you can read the article.)

Currently the family has 4 people.

2^4 - 4 - 1

gives you

(2*2*2*2) - 5

or

11 different tiers of relationship there to balance. He works, she works, you school. Call it 8 hrs each working somewhere. 8 hrs sleep. at least 3 hours to deal with shopping, cooking, washing up just the food, never mind the other house chores. It's probably more sucked up with chores.

Gives you each an iffy 5 hours a day to maintain the relationships in your polymath... AND the relatives and friends and other people.

Love may be infinite, but human resources are not. You are not happy in this shape with these resources.

Bring on baby family person? New formula.

2^5 - 5 - 1

or

(2*2*2*2*2) - 6

which gives you 26 relationship in very near future to have to balance now on 5 hours a day and resources that won't stretch to cover your needs NOW.

Everyone has a polysaturation point. You sound beyond yours.

So... again.

Your wants, needs are not met here. You are beyond your limits.


Could choose to change something, anything.

If it were me? I would break up and leave so as not to drown!

At the very least I would move out -- not have to deal with witnessing their marriage drama or the kid stuff now or newborn stuff to come. You don't like being treated like the automatic babysitter just because you live there. You are still grieving your miscarriage and not happy about the limit imposed -- like the price of admission in this polyship is you never having a child.

Remove some of the stressors by living elsewhere and date them from there -- then it tones the volume DOWN at least on the stress.

You are in a hard place where you have to really examine what you value most, and what you need to prioritize so that YOU and YOUR healths are being tended to.

They don't do it much.

YOU HAVE TO. You say it yourself:
Quote:
I am concerned for their marriage but as well I have to think of where I am going when it comes down to it.
Hang in there. Please take care of you.

Galagirl.

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-23-2013 at 07:53 PM.
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  #3  
Old 01-23-2013, 06:33 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GSAS082612 View Post
I want people to tell me where I could be wrong in the situation, where I am right. How it could be fixed, if there is any “fixing” needed at all or even if I am plain out being “over-emotional.”
Okay. Here goes, though you may not want to hear it:

YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP.

You are not being over-emotional (not here, anyway. Maybe you are there, I don't know, but your needs are expressed fairly reasonably here.)

There is fixing needed, but YOU can't do it. You have already been trying. THEY have to fix it, by considering your needs as equal to theirs, rather than less important.

Yes, it certainly sounds like they have a lot of issues to work on in their marriage, and a pregnancy is just going to make everything harder, emotionally and schedule-wise. YOU can not do anything about this. It's on THEM.

And I know you don't want to hear this either, but no matter how mature you are, you are a very young adult. You do not have much life experience yet. Hell, I'm twice you age and sometimes I don't know what to do either! I am so, so sorry you had to go through a miscarriage. I've been through one also, so I understand somewhat. But this statement:
Quote:
not having a chance to have my own family.
doesn't make sense to me. Unless there were further issues because of or after your miscarriage, you have YEARS left to have a family. Even if you can't have biological children, you can adopt in the future if you so choose. So you will have chances. You maybe don't have chances RIGHT NOW, and I certainly understand the sadness, jealousy, and guilt that could arise from watching her pregnancy, but consider this: are you perhaps working under the false belief that having a child would have "fixed" things? It wouldn't have. You'd be even more alone. Having a child does not magically make people consider your needs if they weren't inclined to before.

So, to restate, here is what you're doing wrong: you're staying. You're letting them treat you in a way that is not healthy, and rather than leaving them to your drama you're staying to participate in it.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I've watched you post a lot of the same stuff over and over since you joined. In my opinion it needed to be flat-out said, since other responses don't seem to have gotten through.
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Old 01-23-2013, 06:46 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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What TGIG said.

Also when someone says they are simple, AND refer to you as complex or hard or difficult, what they are actually saying is my way of seeing things is superior and you need to change to accommodate my better way.
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Old 01-23-2013, 07:03 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GSAS082612 View Post
Those are only some of the issues we are trying to deal with. For the sake of them, what am I doing wrong? But really, what can I do to help with ANY of the situations?
First, calm down. You sound like you are losing your shit and need to take a deep breath and back away from this. Do you have a friend you can stay with for a couple of days? Seriously, while you guys are all (apparently) foaming at the mouth, I assure you that there can be no progress.

Second, change your sig: "Closed Polyfidelitous Triad". I say this because, the reason you are trapped in this relationship the way it is set up is because you have volunteered to be trapped in it. I live by right, not permission, which means that I do not have to either ride the horse or shoot it in the head.

In the end, this is a problem that the three of you seem to have worked very hard to create. Stop complaining about what THEY do and take some responsibility for what YOU are going to do with YOUR life. You sound like someone who thinks they are a victim, and that can only be true if you insist that it is.
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Old 01-24-2013, 01:12 AM
eternallygreatful eternallygreatful is offline
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It can be easy to understand where they would say that your posts would come off one sided because they are one sided. You do not know their exact feelings, but when you are in a relationship with someone, you can somewhat gauge what they are feeling. I have read all of your posts before replying to this because I know that just reading one post can give you a misleading judgment of the author, but all of your posts say the same thing, which is woe-is-me. I can tell that there is a part of you that knows their relationship is hanging by a thread and that if their relationship faulters, then so could your entire life, but you come off like you only care about what they could do for your and what is wrong in your life. They probably have many issues they are working through just as you are. You have said that you are closed off and that would make you hard to deal with and a hard person to be in a relationship with. Maybe looking at your post was a way to try to break the ice and find something to build off of if you weren't giving them anything to go off of. I can see where they would say that you demand attention because you have posted many of the same posts, just in different ways. You need to spend less time on this forum looking for insight from complete strangers, and more time opening up to them and talking with them about what is going on.

In regards to what you are asking advice on:
1. Sam's jealousy: ask her why she is jealous and see if you can work with her to get passed it, but understand that jealousy is a strong emotion and it will take time and effort
2. Glenn's distrust: he has been hurt and will of course be leary of anyone hanging around you. You said he is accusatory of you having feelings for your friends, try taking a look at how you act around these friends and see if his worries have any bearings.
3. Being leftout: You can into an existing relationship and they will have things in their past that they will be proud of and want to celebrate and you have to understand that. I am sure you do things that make them feel left out too, as you have mentioned with Sam's jealousy.
4. The baby issue: you are young and can have more chances to have children. If you are this concerned about the status of your relationship and can't find anything but problems, then you shouldn't want to bring a child into it now anyway.
5. Sam's infidelity: you have said you would give them time to work on their problems and seem to be angry that they are trying to. Also, you said "trying to fix his marriage", when isn't it their marriage, again making it seem like you put more priority into him than her.
6. Quality time: know that everyone in the relationship needs individual, couple, and poly time and try to plan a schedule accordingly.
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Old 02-01-2013, 10:08 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I really recommend this article to you:
http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-c...nicorn-hunter/

It's very long, but well worth the read.

I think it might help you understand why they might be having trouble. I think that it would help you understand why you are having some of the problems you're having.
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Old 02-02-2013, 04:51 AM
Pyuvii Pyuvii is offline
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Well, I don't think I can say anything that hasn't been said already, but the one thing I will mention is that other people do not inherently know how you're feeling, I'd say to bring up how you are feeling and polity explain it to the two; It doesn't always get you anywhere, but at least then they are informed.

-hugs- Your feelings are important too!
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