Keeping Things Interesting....
doxical: This totally has crossed my mind! I will ask Mahogany if there is any interest there. It wouldn't be the first time that I've done this; I tried to set Sunshine and Willow up due to the sheer amount of commonalities in their lives, but after a couple of dates it became clear it wasn't going anywhere.... hmmm.... food for thought!
Not sure if I want to talk about my date with Mahogany, or my disaster of a weekend getaway with Elemental. Both are probably equally entertaining from a reader's perspective, but I have a feeling that my weekend with Elemental will be the most therapeutic for me, so I'm going with that.... although I definitely will write about my date with Mahogany soon.
I'd booked us a nice hotel on hotwire right on the water, and had prebooked tickets for the show that night; a wicked multi-piece folksy band that caught my attention earlier in the year. Not my usual music style, and as Elemental makes fun of my addiction to "Electro Synth Pop" it was a band that I thought he would co-enjoy. The hotel was GORGEOUS! We checked in and stowed away all of our belongings, taking photos of the intense sun bouncing off the water and taking care not to drop our phones as there was just the window, some bars, and the water right below. Settled in, and dreaming of a bath in the glorious clawfoot bathtub later in the evening we turned on the electric fireplace and kicked off our boots to rest our feet on the ottoman (that looked like a bear, so cute!) and relaxed. Happy Hour was on, according to the woman at the bar, so we headed down for that.... and that's where I started making some serious errors in judgement.
I hadn't eaten much throughout the day - a banana, a granola bar and a couple of bites of a wrap that Elemental had. We ordered some appies, but truly there wasn't a lot of substance to them, and then made a super wise decision to have three martinis. Smart! Two, sure.. but three? Back to the room we were both a little tipsy, and drew a bath to soak in. It was pretty nice, and soon we were getting dressed and heading downstairs to get a cab. Got to the club, the chill of the night and bustle of the lineup bringing this great sense of anticipation up in me. Feeling like we were doing something out of the ordinary, just the two of us, and it felt really, really good. Loved the feeling of the leather on his jacket in the crook of my arm, talking and smooching him, excited for the evening.
Inside, we made our way to the bar. A strongbow for him, and for me? The wise decision to get a gin and tonic. Unfortunately for me, the bartender put about five drops of tonic in it, and the rest gin. But! It's a bar, it's dancing, it's a concert. The opening band was cute, and was followed up by some pretty stellar music. I know! How about ANOTHER gin & tonic. Uh oh. Same bartender, and his and I's new found friendship meant that he was on a mission to get me silly-drunk. Dancing, grinning at the cute hippie girls in the audience, chatting people up in the bathroom lineups, I don't think that I realized that I was pretty much shitfaced until I bailed on a little step... hard. Some nice girl helped me up, and I started power drinking water, but the damage was already done. No food, too much booze, WAY too much booze, and I was feeling pretty sloppy.
The show finished up on a high note, and I was chatty as fuck. Definitely hit on two girls but they took it in stride and were grinning away, and then we were out in the cool night air. That was good for me, but the aftershave on the cabbie was not. I say cabbie, but what I mean was the dude that was driving around giving people rides illegally. Was half worried he was going to drive us into an alley and rob us, but trusted E's judgement of things (they'd chatted for a bit) and gave him a $20 for the ride. Back to the hotel room, and that's where things got stupid. And by things.... I mean me.
Well, nothing says a romantic holiday like a shitfaced wife who wants to talk about your relationship for the rest of the night, bawling and even taking off at one point to try and find some food. I haven't been that drunk in a decade. Have been that drunk three times in my life.... but have never understood why people talk about not remembering things, because I remember everything. And looking back I feel like quite the asshole. Gah. Ugh. How shitty was I? Pretty shitty. Feeling humble and awful right now. Karma came for me the next morning in the form of a hangover of massive proportions. You know what the best remedy for a hangover ISN'T? A three hour road trip - I get carsick pretty often, and I was FUCKED on the drive home. Classy barfed out the side of the vehicle. Twice. Could've died of shame, let me tell you - I just don't do things like that, and it was quite a wake up call for me. Elemental, bless his soul, was super sweet to me, as last year around this time he got even MORE drunk than this, and remembered all too well how horrible it was.
It's been an interesting 24 hours for me. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship with Elemental, and the nature of our connection and our pretty regular disagreements. I think I've come to some solid realizations that I am on guard with him; that there is something inside of me that fundamentally doesn't trust his commitment to me. Maybe it's abandonment issues from having some pretty serious relationships not work out. Maybe because I feel as though he has always guarded a part of his heart from me me. Maybe I'm judgemental and difficult as a partner on a fundamental level. Maybe it's a combination of all of these things. It seems as though I am always ready for a battle with him, and while I know that it's in part because he is a confrontational and aggressive person and I am responding to that, I also have to have a hard look at who I am in relationship with him. Acting from a place of fear isn't something that I want to do in my life, but I am really starting to realize that I have been internalizing that with him. The trauma of his aggression and anxiety problems in the early phases of our relationship, his challenges around reflective listening, and his naturally adversarial approach to life has all resulted in me being so flinchy with him - things with Sync, that disrespect and boundary overstepping was just further evidence that my internal judge and jury collected that Elemental doesn't REALLY love and respect me. But here's what I think is the big joke.
He does. He does really love and respect me, but I can't seem to fucking relax with him. Have trust issues with him. Feel like I need to be on guard with him. Am ready to scrap with him. Question our basic compatibility because of these things.... after SIX YEARS. As though that's not enough proof, the fact that we have committed our lives together. And you know what I'm afraid of? I'm afraid that me being so crazy about all of it will result in it all coming true. The maker of my own fears.... come true....
I asked him for a lot of reassurance when I was all drunky pants. About his love, about his commitment to me. And you know what? He couldn't give it to me. Couldn't just look his silly-drunk-wife in the face and put my heart at ease, say the right words, and allow me to turn into the bawly baby that I needed to be. To just have him soothe my wounded heart and take care of that part of me that is scared. Scared that we pushed our relationship too far, that I have lost something inside of myself, or him that we can never come back for. He threw his love for Sync at me like a dagger last week and it fuckin' stung so hard. I asked if a love that could make him want to hurt me like that IS love, or if it is a sickness. Because the love I felt for Willow? For Lily? I would never have used it against him, or to hurt him. He tells me that it's because I have a "Stronger moral compass" and "More integrity" than him. He says that regrets the choices that he made, hurting me, but part of me wonders if his regrets aren't just bound up in the fact that he lost Sync in the midst of it all, and that if he'd done things differently I wouldn't be so adamant about her never having a place in our life again. I don't know. That part that needs that kind of reassurance, the kind of things that I need to hear are things that he seems fundamentally opposed to saying to me.
It was intense. Not how I thought our weekend was going to go at all.
In the aftermath of it all, I just feel lost. I know that I need a shift inside of Elemental, but perhaps most importantly I know I need a shift inside of myself if there is going to be a longterm peaceful way forward. The elephant in the room has been announced by my drunky-pants-self, and while I'm glad that I said it, I'm scared of what it will mean for us.
Nobody can hug this one out with me. I don't know where we're headed from here, I just know that more shifting and changing needs to be done if our relationship is going to fully recover from this year. There are no band-aids, only time and compromise, and I need to KNOW that Elemental is committed to that. I don't know why he tests me so hard - I don't know why I test him so hard. The inner workings of people's relationships are so private and strange, and there's no telling if other people have problems like this, or experience them in such intense ways. I just know how scared I am right now, and don't know ultimately what that will mean.
Where you go... there you are.
Me: 35. TD, 43, my monogamous beau. Lily: 31, my lady/lover, in two other relationships. Mahogany: 38, my girlfriend, in one other relationship. Elemental: 44, my ex husband.
Last edited by BaggagePatrol; 01-22-2013 at 09:44 PM.
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