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  #1  
Old 01-22-2013, 04:39 PM
Moneypenny Moneypenny is offline
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Question I think I found someone...

But I'm nervous as hell to ask him to be in a relationship. Does anyone have any advice on how to go about asking?

Background: I'm married with 1 child and have had an open relationship (swinging) with my husband since before we were married. I recently found out about and realized that I'm poly. Husband is still trying to grasp at what I realized I need, but is willing to let me explore.

The new guy in question knows about everything I just mentioned.

I guess it's just jitters because I've not dated let alone asked anyone out for over 14 years. I've been with my husband since high school.
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Old 01-22-2013, 04:53 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by Moneypenny View Post
But I'm nervous as hell to ask him to be in a relationship.
You want to ask him out on a date or to be "in a relationship"? Asking someone to be in a relationship sounds strange to me. How does that conversation go down?

"So, we seem to like each other and I would like to move to the next level. I have a chart here of all of my relationship requirements, my calendar, and my blood type. You'll need to give me a complete resume as well as your credit history... sign this non-disclosure clause.. and I think we're good"

Granted, I don't consider a relationship to be a thing. It's just an incredibly vague word used to describe two people having some kind of emotional connection. Maybe that's my disconnect with what you are saying.
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Old 01-22-2013, 04:59 PM
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Also, good for you! New love is so exciting.
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  #4  
Old 01-22-2013, 05:03 PM
Moneypenny Moneypenny is offline
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I guess I'm looking for something more official than just friends....boyfriend if we're going to use a term.
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Old 01-22-2013, 05:59 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I think a simple "Would you like to go out on a date with me" should suffice. That's not particularly vague - and easily done through email or on the phone if you are nervous to do it in person.

edit: and this can easily lead to a conversation about the topic if he has questions about what you mean and needs to clarify what exactly you are thinking you want out of this, or is nervous about going out with you, or doesn't want to go out with you. I also think if he says no, its a lot easier to go on being friends then if you make a big deal out of it and let him know just how much you'd like to "be in a relationship" with him.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 01-22-2013 at 06:10 PM.
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Old 01-22-2013, 06:00 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Why not just go out first? Coffee. If you both enjoy it, go to a movie. Still having fun? Go to dinner. It doesn't have to go from 0 to 60 in one conversation or one decision.
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Old 01-22-2013, 06:37 PM
Moneypenny Moneypenny is offline
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Why not just go out first? Coffee. If you both enjoy it, go to a movie. Still having fun? Go to dinner. It doesn't have to go from 0 to 60 in one conversation or one decision.
Sorry, I guess I wasn't specific enough. We've been on a few dates (dinner, movie, etc) and I feel a possibility for something more and I think he may as well.

I'm sure someone would ask, then why not wait for him to ask me? Well, because as he knows the situation with my husband not being 100% okay (but has agreed to let me explore) with me being poly....I'm sure he doesn't want to overstep and make my husband feel uneasy.

I've talked with my husband about this guy (and they've talked a few times in person and online) and right now I feel that he would be okay with me making things "official".

Does that make sense? Like I said, this is very new to me and I don't want to seem stupid.
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Old 01-22-2013, 06:41 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Yep, those details change the picture a little! :-)
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Old 01-22-2013, 09:22 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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That is totally different.

If I were in your particular situation I'd check with my husband to make sure he is at least mostly on board with making things "official" as the guy seems like he is a bit uncomfortable thinking your husband isn't thrilled so you actually KNOW what he thinks.

Then I'd say "I talked with my husband about things and he is fine with us getting involved (what is it - sexually? romantically? that you are waiting to take the next step on?) and I really like you and wonder if you have interest in being my boyfriend/would like to spend some time alone with you at your place so we can be intimate/have private time together/get naked and roll around" or whatever it is you want the next step to be.

One thing that's important is to not assume "he is uncomfortable overstepping" but to be able to discuss those things openly, ask him if he has reservations and what they are so you can address them, tell him about any boundaries you do have, be clear that doing ______ is not overstepping anything and you'd like to see if he is interesting in doing _____________.
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Old 01-25-2013, 01:26 AM
Moneypenny Moneypenny is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
That is totally different.

If I were in your particular situation I'd check with my husband to make sure he is at least mostly on board with making things "official" as the guy seems like he is a bit uncomfortable thinking your husband isn't thrilled so you actually KNOW what he thinks.
That is very true and coincidentally my husband actually came to me about this situation. He has been thinking about all of this and has concluded that he is okay with me having a boyfriend.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post

Then I'd say "I talked with my husband about things and he is fine with us getting involved (what is it - sexually? romantically? that you are waiting to take the next step on?) and I really like you and wonder if you have interest in being my boyfriend/would like to spend some time alone with you at your place so we can be intimate/have private time together/get naked and roll around" or whatever it is you want the next step to be.
Also, thanks for including this too. It's definitely a good place to start.

I'm seeing the guy on Sunday so I will be telling him about my husband's acceptance and hopefully things go well.
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