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Old 01-22-2013, 08:00 AM
katja24 katja24 is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 46
Unhappy Romantic Needs Not Being Met

Here is my trouble:

I am an insecure-attachment type (I get easily freaked out by confrontation, think that we are on the verge of breaking up when we argue, etc), and I know this attachment type of mine is easily aggravated by having a poly reality. I work on managing these feelings as best I can. I also know that it impacts my desires and needs when J is investing time, energy, and attention into another romantic relationships. All I desire when I am feeling anxious is to have emotional reassurance and romantic gestures: massage, meditative time together, looking into each other's eyes, focusing 100% on each other.

J does not desire as much intimacy in our relationship as I desire. He says he is at his max for connection and intimacy with me. Thus, he does not desire more "romance." We live together and do a lot of day-to-day things together (walking the dog, going to the gym, making food, studying on the couch, etc), and he has expressed that if we didn't see each other for a week, that he could see himself desiring romance.

When I bring up my desire and need for more romance, he completely pulls back from me. Our sexual intimacy pretty much stops, and other kinds of physical intimacy is almost non-existant, too (minus a couple of pecks on the lips). This adds to my aggravation and feelings of insecurity and sadness.

He is planning on seeing C, his secondary, this week. That is fine with me and I expect it. It is much harder for me to manage my own feelings of insecurity and fear when I know that he is going to spend distraction-free, romantic time with another partner and is not desirous of doing it with me; not only that, but our sexual and physical intimacy has stopped momentarily. Frankly, it feels like he is witholding this from me, even though he says he just doesn't desire it with me.

What to do? what solutions are there?

I know we could set aside time to engage in distraction-free and romantic space together. No cellphones, computers, TV. No talking about other stressors in our lives. Just engaging with each other. Breathing together, eye contact, compliments, massage, candles, music.

I would love it if we could do this. But again, he says that he is so maxed out on connection and intimacy with me that he just doesn't desire it and really does not want to do it.

What other solutions might there be? I feel at a complete loss and I am in pain.
29 yr old queer woman with primary male partner, J
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