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  #1  
Old 01-22-2013, 02:57 AM
Bfree Bfree is offline
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Unhappy HELP... I feel like I need a holiday from my emotions!!

I need some help with learning how to balance my emotions. I am in an open relationship with a guy who is poly, before him I have only ever been in mono relationships. I've had a year if getting my head around the fact that he will alway have several playmates & just as I'm getting a grip of that, he invited me to meet one of his girls who he thinks I will bond with. We are at the very early stages of a new poly relationship, the three of us.. But I am really struggling with my jealousy, fear of loss & wanting to keep my primary status. They have already said "I love you" to eachother, which after such a short time just makes his "I love you" to me feel devalued. He says that eventually he would love if we all become equal & move in together. To me, that feels threatening. I have earned my place & am not willing to step back & let this girl become my equal. Is this the wrong way to be looking at it??

So even though I feel I could love her, I have days where I am completely insecure, jealous & want her to disappear... Then other days when I feel like this could be beautiful. I am aware that I am gaining a relationship, but all I can focus on is that I now have to share him emotionally..
Instead of letting go & nurturing MY relationship with her, I get angry that she has appeared & now my relationship with my man had to change.

It feels like everyday, my emotions are going round in circles & so are our conversations. It is draining & I wish I could let go.

Can anyone give me some magical advice??

Thanks xx
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  #2  
Old 01-23-2013, 08:37 AM
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PhilosophicallyLost PhilosophicallyLost is offline
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I'm not sure I would see this as a threat to your primary status. His love with you is unique. You will always share something in a way with him that is special to you and him. He enjoys the uniqueness that is you, otherwise he wouldn't want you still in his life. He just wants to appreciate the uniqueness in others as well.

I would examine the root of your jealousy and fear. Are you scared of losing him, losing precious time with him, or what? Once you figure out that, then it will be easier to work on it with him directly.

Keep in mind change is a natural part of relationships. It may be scary, but learning to deal with them in a healthy manner is important to determining whether a relationship lasts for the long term or not. Make sure you understand exactly what is making your emotions so volatile, and find out what possible solutions are. This should be done together with your partner, so his feelings are considered in the solution-finding process.

You also may need a small break (maybe a week) to just indulge yourself away from the worry of it all. It is easier to tackle these problems when your mind is fresh than when it is drained. I made some bad decisions when being super drained, so I highly recommend prioritizing getting yourself in a better state of mind. Meditate, get some sleep, whatever you need to do to relax.

I hope this helps some. A new person is always a crazy-scary thing at first, if you're not used to dealing with the insecurity of it.
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  #3  
Old 01-23-2013, 01:43 PM
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Enchanted Enchanted is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bfree View Post
So even though I feel I could love her, I have days where I am completely insecure, jealous & want her to disappear... Then other days when I feel like this could be beautiful. I am aware that I am gaining a relationship, but all I can focus on is that I now have to share him emotionally..
Instead of letting go & nurturing MY relationship with her, I get angry that she has appeared & now my relationship with my man had to change.
I think you have to depend on time.
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Old 01-23-2013, 03:25 PM
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AphroditeGoneAwry AphroditeGoneAwry is offline
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If your energy is driven to your primary partner, I think that is where it should be, and that your primary partner needs to either respect this, and give you the majority of his energy and time right now, or that he needs to take control and tell you how it will be (not sure of your relationship dynamic in this regard, of course).


If he does the first, then it will be more up to you to progress things, which is as it should be (in a traditional sense), since you are the one having the hardest time with it. Since you 'want' it to work, I think you could likely get there. But it has to be more on your ability, and speed, to do so.
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  #5  
Old 01-23-2013, 04:52 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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To me it sounds like you prefer an open model relationship that is primary-secondary. He prefers an open model relationship that is co-primary. Did you guys talk about what open model relationship you are seeking when you first started out? If not, this could be the time to square up on that to see if this is even a runner before investing more into it.

That sounds like square 1 to me. Make sure you are on the same page there first. Otherwise the rest is moot. People are looking for different things -- that's why it is dating. The seach for the most compatible. Things can also change in time -- but at THIS time... what are you seeking?

Assuming you both want the same open relationship model, and you are actually at the square 2 place of learning to be IN the model you have chosen for yourselves together and find yourself struggling with jealousy... could any of these help? Esp the jealousy one? The page 5 and page 6 things are being done or not?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html

You sound willing to nurture a relationship with her. But not willing to LISTEN to TMI things from him at this time.

Where exactly is the TMI line at this point in time? It could change over time to where you are more comfortable hearing things but him GUSHING at you like a sloppy hinge person at this point in time could be overwhelming if that is what is happening.
Quote:
They have already said "I love you" to eachother, which after such a short time just makes his "I love you" to me feel devalued.
And how do you know this happened? Because he told you? Do you want to know this stuff at this time? Or would you rather know this time at a slower pace?

Is he all up in NRE with her and gushing all over? Is he spending time to nurture your tier of relationship in the polymath with you? The (you + him) layer? Or neglecting it?

Quote:
He says that eventually he would love if we all become equal & move in together.
That's nice. But you don't have to share that want, and neither does she. You guys have voices of your own.

Is he just sharing a dream hope fantasy there or is he being pushy to you and her about it?

Depending on how that is presented, that's feeding your secure bucket (him sharing his vulnerable and trusting you with it) or feeding your insecure bucket. (him pushing you toward things you do not want.)

Again -- could be sloppy hinge sounding to me. So caught up in his own lalas that he's gushing all over. Do you find him to be a sloppy hinge person or a solid one? Have you given him that feedback?

It is understandable if he's in NRE brain cascade mode. But at the same time... you guys could talk about how to weather NRE together better here. Could choose to work it out so everyone can be feeling good here.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-23-2013 at 04:57 PM.
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  #6  
Old 01-24-2013, 04:06 AM
Bfree Bfree is offline
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Thank you so much for your advice...

A little side note... We have a D/s relationship, mostly in the bedroom but is overflowing into everyday life... I am his sub.

The things that stands out to me most, are finding out the root of my jealousy and fear. What i most fearful of, is that he has a pattern that I know has repeated itself atleast twice.

He left his primary partner for their sub, or secondary, then left that sub for me. am i next on the chopping block?? we have open conversations about this & he reassures me that it won't happen. But you know when you have something at the back of your mind & it wont go away

Since writing my post, & reading your advice, I feel differently. I understand that i have to stop comparing myself emotionally to our new partner & remember that each relationship IS unique & that he really does value our love. It is very obvious, as he does put my needs first. He has clearly stated that if Im not feeling the bond or am not ok with the relationship,we will end it with her.

The two of us girls went out last night by ourselves, we have a very different bond to any other woman I have been with. She is also a sub & we have similar backgrounds & experiences... so we connect on so many levels.

All three of us feel connected in different ways.....I dont want to label our relationship, I just want to be, if that makes sense. i feel positive that we are all moving in the right direction for this to work.

Galagirl.... i am sooo new to all of this that I dont know what TMI refers to, please excuse my ignorance. I also need to stop probing for information that I'm not ready to hear, I bring that on myself... ie: "I love you"
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  #7  
Old 01-24-2013, 04:50 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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TMI = too much information.

Since this is the beginning, maybe you want your shared sweetie to maintain a pretty high TMI wall? Like not be oversharing details about the other rship to you or in the other direction.

Later that "line" can adjust and lower down as all of your comfort levels desire.


GG
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