Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #71  
Old 01-21-2013, 10:10 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by soleilselene View Post
My husband had 3 rules, it cannot be anyone he knows, that I always use protection and to never tell him about it. Basically act like there is nothing wrong.

I have no idea is this is considered poly or not. But that is my situation.
I hope you don't mind that I keep offering my opinion on your situation, but I had a thought in response to this. Polyamory is defined, as broadly as possible, as multiple loves. So, this is what I'd ask when thinking about whether your situation would be considered poly or not -- would your husband be upset if you had an emotional relationship with someone else as well as a physical one? You know that sex is ok, but is love? If yes, then yes I'd call it poly. If no, then I'd say you have an open marriage, but that it's not necessarily poly. Even if your situation is the latter, there still might be good stuff for you to learn from and contribute to the poly community, so it's by no means saying you shouldn't be here, just trying to think through this question.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #72  
Old 01-21-2013, 10:19 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,633
Default

Just a small little thing to be aware of; asexuality is an identity, like gay or lesbian. Its not something one turns into. Just adding that as an educational piece.

Good luck with your DADT. I haven't known it to work for loving relationships, but you never know... Maybe it will for you. I agree with AM. It sounds to me like you have an open relationship. Your are welcome to be here regardless of how you define yourself though.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #73  
Old 01-21-2013, 11:04 PM
soleilselene's Avatar
soleilselene soleilselene is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 24
Default

Well maybe he is not asexual, I am not sure what it is. His sex drive is completely dead. He never liked anything too out there or even close. He doesn't like me to touch him or french kiss him. He is kinds disgusted by sex. At first he wasn't like this (I'm not sure if he was faking it or not) but, I have talked to his ex and he was always the latter with them.

I don't think he wants me to fall in love with anyone else. He is letting me go out because he knows I really miss sex and I am a very sexual person. He does it to not lose me and hoping it will make me happy.
Reply With Quote
  #74  
Old 01-21-2013, 11:22 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,633
Default

In my experience there seems to be a point where information is leaked in some way either in the changes that occur because of sex and intimacy between two people (different ways of joking around, different ways of touching etc.) or when a text is seen by mistake or bumping into someone by mistake or smells on the person are different when they come home... Etc. what kind of safe guards do you two have for when this happens? How is he going to attempt to process the lack of information? Sometimes one's mind can run away with a person and sometimes it can be in denial until a flood gate of info comes through to change that... What if you fall in love? You say you haven't experienced casual sex, what if you are the sort that connects deeply with others when you have sex? What if the person you choice becomes more than a lay? Have you talked about that?
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #75  
Old 01-21-2013, 11:51 PM
soleilselene's Avatar
soleilselene soleilselene is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 24
Default

We haven't talked about all that. Thanks for bringing it up. My husband just gets uncomfortable when I bring up almost anything... I did ask him once "how about if I don't come back?" He just said well, you will have to take the chance or just not have sex... He says he can't guarantee that we will EVER have sex.

I did finally have casual sex with a hookup I had. We had sex 2 times. I was hoping that it would last more but I don't think it will. Why was I hoping this? Because I just dread having to go out and meet people just to have sex with them. I am scared of it.

This guy I knew through a friend and so I knew he was not a psycho. He is very free spirited and hippie like so he doesn't want any strings or expectations. I guess I shouldn't have expected sex there. I just liked how easy it was and how comfortable I was with him (after 2 drinks). But that was it.

I did get a little attached but it was due to me finally having sex after a year... I wanted to do it all the time now. I was not falling for him, he was not romantic it was just sex.

I was late for my period, 3 days, and I am usually on time. For a moment I worried, OMG can I be pregnant? We used protection so I wasn't really too worried. He would have told me if the condom had broken or not.

But that made me think. How about if I do get pregnant? It happens, even with protection. Do I tell my husband? Do I get rid of it quietly?

Yes, there are a lot of things we have to work out on. Especially me. I just hope I find a way to live with all this.

As for me being in an open marriage and maybe not poly, and you guys welcoming me here, I thank you very much. I have looked all around for support groups and this is the one closest to me that I could find. I do not have anyone else to confide in.

Thanks
Reply With Quote
  #76  
Old 01-22-2013, 12:05 AM
soleilselene's Avatar
soleilselene soleilselene is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 24
Default

Also he told me he wouldn't ask, or question. We don't have sex, so nothing would change there. He really doesn't want to know. I even told him about something once. I was frustrated thinking I would never be able to do this. I had gone on OKCupid and tried to find someone. I meet a couple of guys. I just didn't like any of them.

So I was sitting down and told my husband. "I can't do this, you think it is easy for me? I made an account I met some guys, it didn't work out. I can't do this" I said it like that.

He simply looked at me and told me "Don't tell me... you do whatever you want, just don't tell me." That is it.
Reply With Quote
  #77  
Old 01-22-2013, 12:07 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,053
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by soleilselene View Post
I did finally have casual sex with a hookup I had. We had sex 2 times. I was hoping that it would last more but I don't think it will. ...

This guy I knew through a friend and so I knew he was not a psycho. He is very free spirited and hippie like so he doesn't want any strings or expectations. ...

I did get a little attached but it was due to me finally having sex after a year... I wanted to do it all the time now. I was not falling for him, he was not romantic it was just sex.
Just my two cents...from my own early experiences (which you can read about in my "Journey" blog here if you like):

When I was young, before MrS, I was only interested in fuck-buddies and friends-with-benefits - I was specifically NOT looking for "romantic" entanglements. (For the record, many people do not consider FWBs to be, strictly speaking, "poly" - I do, but definitions matter little). I was always very up front about this. One of the "rules" that I had for myself was that I wouldn't sleep with someone more than three times. In my (limited) experience, people tended to develop feelings for people that they slept with repeatedly - I wasn't afraid of this for myself but for my potential sexual partners. (I also wouldn't sleep with someone if, in my opinion, they had a high likelihood of developing an attachment before that point.)

Perhaps your "free spirited...hippie like" guy has concerns that you might become attached in ways that could threaten a.) your marriage (hurting you) and b.) his freedom (hurting him), so he is pulling away? (this is what I would have done back then)

I think there are probably people out there who would love to have a long-term FWB if you are very up-front about what you are looking for. A bit of a warning though, many men SAY they would love that type of set-up...but it turns out that they are wrong (not that they were lying, but that in practice they don't respond in the way they thought they would theoretically). (This may also be true for many women - I don't know, my longest FWBs are all women, so it hasn't seemed to be a problem.)

JaneQ

PS. I totally understand wanting to have sex "all the time" after a long dry spell - when I first got together with Dude I had a LOT of horny stored up. Now that my libido is back to its normal level I think he is a little disappointed.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 01-22-2013 at 12:13 AM. Reason: adding quote for the part I was responding to, and a PS
Reply With Quote
  #78  
Old 01-22-2013, 02:36 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Just a small little thing to be aware of; asexuality is an identity, like gay or lesbian. Its not something one turns into. Just adding that as an educational piece.
So while we're educating...

Identities can and do change. I identify as asexual at times, other times as sexual. It's not that sometimes I'm just not in the mood so I'm like "I'm asexual today." I lose all interest in sex for extended periods of time, sometimes years. That includes masturbating, watching porn, and getting kinky. During those periods, I identify as asexual. So to me, your statement comes across as the Sexuality Police telling me how I may and may not identify, and I take exception to that.

To say that one's identity cannot change is to assume that sexuality is hard-wired, a claim that is not well-established. For some, it may be the case, for others, not. Personally, I'm inclined to take the viewpoint that a person may identify however they want based on how they are feeling at that point in their lives, and that a person's own feelings and inclinations override the accepted viewpoint of a bunch of biased psychologists who do not live inside my head.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #79  
Old 01-22-2013, 02:50 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by soleilselene View Post
I have no idea is this is considered poly or not. But that is my situation.
I've always felt it's much more important to establish your own personal situation than to worry about whether it is considered poly or not. It is what it is. If it's working for you, and you've established clear boundaries and agreements between you and your husband, and both of you are comfortable with those agreements, then the label is irrelevant.

When I was young, I started preparing a recipe for cookies. I started by mixing sugar, butter, and eggs. Then I licked the spoon. It was yummy. My mom called it custard. So I spent the next 6 years thinking I liked custard. That ended the day a friend made me real custard. It was disgusting. I was so confused. According to my mom, I loved custard! So now what? Do I stop enjoying sugar, butter, and eggs, and try to develop a taste for custard? Or do I acknowledge that custard was never really what I enjoyed and that my mom had mixed up her labels?

Labels have a place. That place is the supermarket. Relationships are not cookies. Relationships don't need labels; they need understanding, communication, and agreement.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #80  
Old 01-22-2013, 03:36 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,633
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
So while we're educating...

Identities can and do change. I identify as asexual at times, other times as sexual. It's not that sometimes I'm just not in the mood so I'm like "I'm asexual today." I lose all interest in sex for extended periods of time, sometimes years. That includes masturbating, watching porn, and getting kinky. During those periods, I identify as asexual. So to me, your statement comes across as the Sexuality Police telling me how I may and may not identify, and I take exception to that.

To say that one's identity cannot change is to assume that sexuality is hard-wired, a claim that is not well-established. For some, it may be the case, for others, not. Personally, I'm inclined to take the viewpoint that a person may identify however they want based on how they are feeling at that point in their lives, and that a person's own feelings and inclinations override the accepted viewpoint of a bunch of biased psychologists who do not live inside my head.
That's awesome. Good for you. I take offense that you say I'm policing. I thought perhaps it would of been of interest to the writer. I am only passing on what I've heard from people I know in the asexual community. What do I know, I'm not asexual. You can take it up with them as I am no expert.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
asexual, asexuality, boundaries, communication, dadt, dadt policies, don't ask don't tell, privacy, talking about sex

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:30 PM.