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  #1  
Old 01-21-2013, 07:23 PM
threesnocrowd threesnocrowd is offline
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Default Couple and best friend?

What experiences do you guys have of a married couple and the guy's best male friend getting together? Does it end up in happiness or tears more often? Advice? Thoughts? Stories to share?
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  #2  
Old 01-21-2013, 09:30 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Originally Posted by threesnocrowd View Post
What experiences do you guys have of a married couple and the guy's best male friend getting together? Does it end up in happiness or tears more often? Advice? Thoughts? Stories to share?
I guess it would depend on how the tangle started. In my case, Wendigo (BF)and Runic Wolf (DH) were best friends. Wendigo and I were also very close friends and confidants. So when Wendigo approached me, while drunk, and initially broached the subject about becoming more than friends, I was surprised, but willing to consider it. The problems arose when I wasn't as clear with Runic Wolf as I needed to be. Wendigo was extremely nervous and I'm not sure that he was any better. And while we got permission, neither of us thought things through all the way. Feelings developed and NRE abounded, but we were in denial about it internally, which lead to half truths, miscommunication, and eventually hurt and mistrust. When our heads were clear of the NRE and we were able to discuss things clearly and all of us got on the same page again, trust was rebuilt and 3 1/2 years later, our marriages, friendships, and relationships doing well. That isn't to say that there aren't occasional hiccups, but several months back, Runic Wolf got Wendigo a job where he works and that had given them a chance to strengthen their friendship, because it did change and evolve when Wendigo and I got together. While he helps me understand Runic Wolf better than I ever have before, Runic Wolf does not have many friends who are separate from me and for along time felt like I had stolen his best friend from him, which was never my intent.

My advice would be take things slow, communicate often and make sure that you're definitions match up or at least understand what different things mean to different people. Alot of our misunderstandings came up because we had different definitions of sex (for me sex=penetration; the rest is fore play or fooling around unless w/ a female partner; and for him sex = anything where bodily fluids can be involved; blow jobs, hand jobs, fingering, etc). Know yourself and what your intentions are; be clear about them with all parties and check in regularly. Don't play the middle man/ woman. Good luck! It doesn't have to end in tears, but it does take work.
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Old 01-21-2013, 11:49 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by threesnocrowd View Post
What experiences do you guys have of a married couple and the guy's best male friend getting together? Does it end up in happiness or tears more often? Advice? Thoughts? Stories to share?
Dude was MrS's best friend before I ever met him. I think that their friendship is the main reason we got back out of "The Dark Time" which ensued after I handled our initial attraction BADLY in only 10 weeks (you can read the full story of this time period in my "Journey" blog)...I also think this is why they make such good metamours - in addition to both loving me, they genuinely care about each other.

To be fair though, ours is a "Vee" configuration, I don't know what the additional strains of a full "Triad" might add. You would have the added strain of a friendship transitioning to a romantic relationship (which many friendships don't survive if the romance doesn't work out) and the fact that some people might feel like they are competing with each of their lovers for their other lover's affection. (Which is never going to be exactly the same at the same time IMO.)

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #4  
Old 01-22-2013, 06:16 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I wasn't married, but my men were/are/were best friends. I don't know what their damn status is, they talk way less than I would to a dear friend, and they don't discuss their friendship with me.

I was mono with FBF for two years. Early in that, he met CBF and hired him to work for FBF. They became very close friends; and the three of us were also friends together. When FBF and I were looking like it wouldn't last, CBF was kind to me. When we actually broke up he talked both of us through it. And after that, eventually CBF and I started going out. One of CBFs special powers is bringing people together. I'm not sure that without him, FBF and I would have continued a friendship. 6 years later, (about a year ago), we became a vee.

They were much less worried about it than I was. None of us (I think) had tears about the vee, though I had plenty of tears. I seemed to be the only one that ever worried about the vee, or the health of it, or whatever. Both of them were very reassuring to me when I was freaking out.

In January, I broke up with CBF, so we are no more. But it wasn't about the vee.

Encourage you to do a forum search for the tag 'hinge' if you want to read stories about that. Might be helpful.
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Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #5  
Old 01-22-2013, 11:24 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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I am also in an MFM "Vee," and am friends with the other guy, although "best friends" would be overstating it. If he has a best friend, it is surely his twin brother. But the two of us guys do get along together, that's my point.

We didn't instantly have a "great Vee," though. We had some rough years, the first couple of years. There were tears. But it has ended up in happiness. So I would say it is worth the effort.

BrigidsDaughter basically echoed what I would say: Take it slow, and get lots of practice communicating (both talking and listening).

Anyways, that's my two bits.
Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 01-23-2013, 03:30 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Also, please forgive my grammar mistakes. When I wrote this, I was on some pretty strong pain killers after having had surgery on Friday.
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Old 01-23-2013, 11:13 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Heh, no prob. Hope you're recovering well.
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