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  #1581  
Old 01-06-2013, 08:26 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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No judgement here Red. I know you're still feeling your way through, but just know that's pretty much all you can do at this juncture. Shifts in relationships, mono, poly, with yourself... they can all be very painful, and eye-opening as well. Try to stay present with self above all; there is nothing worse than being vacant and listless towards onself.

Hoping for better days for you all soon.
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  #1582  
Old 01-06-2013, 05:19 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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No judgement from me either.

I hope you are able to find some peace and some way of dealing with your fear of being abandoned.

You are dealing with some really tough stuff just now and I hope that the change in your thought processes help.
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  #1583  
Old 01-06-2013, 09:39 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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RP, sorry that you are having such a tough time now and over this past year. It is clear that you've worked really hard to make your relationships work and to adjust to the various developments in your life.

I wanted to second River's recommendation of Radical Acceptance; for me it had some useful ideas about adjusting to change and coping with hurts. Not all of it was my cup of tea, but I found it pretty easy to pick up what helped and let the rest of it slip away. Hopefully you could find something in it that resonated with you.
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  #1584  
Old 01-08-2013, 06:07 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Never judgment from this corner of the universe either. A week ago I dropped and admitted I dont know if I can manage poly any more. The drama, the complications. I feel torn.
Its been a rough couple months-again. The third New years eve from hell.
I havent wanted to say much on it-because im so worried about you.
But damn woman-u write my feelings sometimes and its eerie!

I hope you know-we love you-all of you-however it lays out best, is how it will lay out best. Please take extra good care of yourself my friend.
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  #1585  
Old 01-10-2013, 04:55 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

The grief of one person's stuff is easier than the cascade effect of dealing with four people as a result of dealing with one person treating me badly. In monogamy the pain and hurt only effects the couple. That seems far more appealing now. Not as many ripples.
In my experience this is not true. The pain and hurt effects their entire support group of friends and family. It can effect their co-workers, their ability to maintain their jobs. Even in monogamous relationships, people are connected to more than just each other.

For example: A friend of mine's wife cheated on him, got pregnant, and when he kicked her out took their daughter with her. Our entire social circle was effected. He was hurt, sad, and angry to the point where being in the same room with his was psychically painful to some of our friends. Those of us she used as cover stories felt betrayed when we found out. We felt helpless to help our friend when he could not just snap out of it. 2 1/2 - 3 year later and we are still dealing with it.

I don't think that there is a right or wrong answer with mono or poly being the better choice, but I will gently suggest that you find someone to talk to about your abandonment issues. I have them too, though they don't manifest all that often anymore, and it helped to get them off my chest. I know that you've been struggling with a lot this year, but I worry about the effect that shifting too quickly in the opposite direction will have on you and your chosen family. You have many people in your life that love you, Red. People who haven't stopped loving you even though things have been difficult and that says alot; about them, about you and the amazing person that they see inside you. Sometimes it is hard to see that person inside ourselves. Harder still to go on faith that they're right.

Last edited by BrigidsDaughter; 01-10-2013 at 05:21 AM.
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  #1586  
Old 01-11-2013, 12:12 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I'd have to agree with that.
In my experience, the b.s. of a partner impacts more than just partners. It impacts kids and extended family too. So even in monogamy-it's a cascade effect.

That said-I do understand what you mean because problems with Maca equate to GG and I having less time together, spending more of it dealing with the fallout etc. Which in turn sometimes results in problems between GG and I.
I get tired of feeling guilty for the b.s. between Maca and I turning this other relationship upside down etc.

Hugs. I hope you are remembering to go take a walk or paint or just spend time quietly alone still.
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  #1587  
Old 01-15-2013, 01:25 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Hugs.

Just wanted to add my support and wishes for peace and happiness in your life; you are an incredible human being, and inspirational even in your vulnerability and pain. I think you are incredibly brave, loving and considerate. I have no advice that can make this easier, or challenges for you as a human being - only interested in letting you know that there is one more person in this world that is rooting for you and your happiness.

Hugs.
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  #1588  
Old 01-16-2013, 01:15 AM
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Thanks for the input everyone. As always, its much appreciated.
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  #1589  
Old 01-21-2013, 06:10 AM
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Its been a down slide from heightened anxiety, stress, hurt and confusion since I last wrote. I have been tending to myself these days and find myself mostly in bed watching shows and avoiding everything. Its been heavenly actually. I have no burlesque shows coming up, minimal social engagements and quit the choir. I have seen Derby and Brad apart from PN and Mono really. Work people while at work... that's it. The occasional poly function that I host.... nothing else has drawn me out into the world.

So it seems that the "trying it out" for Mono is over for now. It doesn't seem to of worked out to date people secretly without my consent. He says its too much work... I don't know if he still would be carrying on seeing the other women if they had either been more interesting or hadn't decided they were interested in him. I am trying to believe that he is now working on other areas of his life and the moment of need for control is over. He certainly seems to be interested in other things now that he has his time free from work. Lots of time to ride, read, watch shows and do as he pleases. Lots of time to see other women too, but it seems to be not as much of an interest. Of course I have no idea for sure. Just his word on it. That doesn't mean much really these days.

I have been doing a shit load of work on myself lately. Including reading Tara Brach's book "Radical Acceptance" (thanks for the reminder River) and Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection." Mono is reading that one too. Both have been really good to read together and have helped. I'm actually reading! I have been to a seminar that helped and done rituals, journaling, and spent a great deal of time allowing myself time to think. All has lead to one or two things; living in the moment is important... not taking the past into the future is part of that and its important for me to ground myself in my own life and concentrate on what I want out of life before anyone else has a say.

How my new take on life with effect my relationships remains to be seen. I used to be the one that made the plans and kept up with everyone so that we could be together. I am not doing that. I don't know what happens when I don't. It should be interesting. It seems that everyone is doing their own thing and moving on to make plans without me. Lots of activity that I know nothing about and lots of socializing that doesn't involve me. At first I was a bit scared about this and sad, but I really don't feel anything anymore now. More than ever I am fine with what others do and plan without me. Sure, I like to know so that I feel connected and that I am important enough to them that they WANT to tell me what goes on in their lives, but I am not attached to it like before. I find it much easier to shrug it off and find my own things to do and work towards. It will all work out.
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  #1590  
Old 01-22-2013, 05:33 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Hugs!

For me, between 38-43+ was huge changes in re-evaluating who I am and what I can handle/live with. I feel like everything has gone from one extreme to the other and back again a few times and is only now starting to settle someplace in-between. Instead of mid-life "crisis", I think a better term is mid-life "chaos". Kids are becoming more independent, my body doesn't work quite as well, work stress, etc.

I did the whole "I don't give a shit" and distanced myself from those around me for a while. It helped! I was able to step back and see where I was being overly sensitive, demanding and unfair to others. It gave me time to wrap my head around how to NOT be bothered by certain behaviors, that previously were incredibly hurtful. I am now in the process of slowly re-building a better relationship with those I had pulled away from.

My heart goes out to you.
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