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Old 01-19-2013, 07:07 AM
ChrisBoy ChrisBoy is offline
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Location: Irvine, California
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Default Hello California.

Hello!

I have been following this forum for almost two years.

My wife 'A' and I are happily married (for almost 12 years) and, after some preliminary reading, we both decided to try polyamory (back in August 2011).

For exactly 16 months we have been in a V with a second man, 'J', who is now living very far from us. He although recently made a short visit and promised to come back soon.

Meanwhile, since last December, 'A' started dating one more man, 'R'. They will also endure a distance relationship because 'R' does not live in US and will be back home in a couple of weeks.
Concerning me, I dated a girl for four month just after we decided to become poly (in year 2011). We broke up because she did not accept the poly model anymore (or never did). Since then, I am solely with 'A'.

I have three reflections and would love if someone could point me to similar threads or just send me some thoughts.

1- How should we deal with lovers who are not truly poly and therefore end up cheating on their primaries (both men involved with 'A' have girlfriends who are not completely aware of our polyamory relationship).

2- What type of advice could I give 'A' in regards to keeping another distance relationship? I feel there is too much idealization and a waste of time keeping email and phone contact for only a few weeks a year of being together.

3- Do you think that a good initial approach is to prioritize involvement with couples, specially those who are already in a long and stable relationship? In other words, avoiding singles.

ChrisBoy.
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  #2  
Old 01-20-2013, 09:15 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Location: Olympia, Washington
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Default

Hi ChrisBoy,
Welcome to our forum.

Re:
Quote:
"How should we deal with lovers who are not truly poly and therefore end up cheating on their primaries (both men involved with 'A' have girlfriends who are not completely aware of our polyamory relationship)."
The bad thing about "J" and "R" having girlfriends who aren't aware of the situation is that it means these men can't be trusted. If they won't tell their other girlfriends the truth, how can they be expected to tell you the truth?

Re:
Quote:
"What type of advice could I give 'A' in regards to keeping another distance relationship? I feel there is too much idealization and a waste of time keeping email and phone contact for only a few weeks a year of being together."
Long-distant relationships are difficult to do. But if this is what "A" wants to do, it is kind of her choice.

Re:
Quote:
"Do you think that a good initial approach is to prioritize involvement with couples, specially those who are already in a long and stable relationship? In other words, avoiding singles."
I am going to take a neutral stance here: Your odds of success are just about equally as good regardless of if the new person is single or part of a couple.

All people are highly unique and individual, as are all relationships, and you just never know what is going to work for one relationship that wouldn't work for another. The only main concern I would have is that "J" and "R" should tell the truth to the other girlfriends. Or at least they should have some kind of exit strategy for how the dishonest dynamic will end (or how the relationships will end).

It is going to be a tough spot for you to be in, though, as these are "A's" decisions that she is making, and you are not liking her decisions (in part with good reason). You can try to reason with "A," but you can't force her to make one decision or another. Unless you are going to give her an ultimatum (e.g. "me or them"), and even then, it's "A" who will be making the choice in response to that.

If you talk to her about these things, I would suggest doing so with respect and care. Be careful not to put her down for her decisions. Be willing to listen to her, and really hear her.

Those are just my thoughts based on what I know of the situation. Hope it helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 01-20-2013, 10:08 PM
ChrisBoy ChrisBoy is offline
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Location: Irvine, California
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Default Less than optimal

Hi Kevin, thanks for your timely thoughts!

She is coming back today from a trip with "R". It has been delicate all these weeks, because the girlfriend of 'R' has already some jealousy feelings building up. Meanwhile, 'J' was made aware by 'A' beforehand in December. He although did not accept that she was pursuing a third relationship. Anyway, she is having to manage it all by emails.

Watching this whole situation as an expectator, I feel that being a married man makes me less attractive to women, comparing to how my wife 'A', as a married woman, is very attractive to man (specially singles or cheaters). Getting into this forum is also a way for me to get perspective on such asymmetries...

We made a commitment to become poly. Since I do not want to spoil it, I have been accepting these less than optimal situations again and again.

Sincerely, ChrisBoy.
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Old 01-22-2013, 10:44 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Sounds like a lot of communication gaps (as well as jealousies). Even if "A" is getting more quality-wise, I'm not as sure about the quality part.

You can explore our various threads on this site, do searches, tag searches, and of course post your thoughts and questions as they arise. Perhaps you'll find our Dating & Friendships subforum to be useful.

Good luck and keep us posted on how things are going.
Regards,
Kevin T.
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