Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #621  
Old 01-10-2013, 03:07 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

Gia and Eric worked things out! Yay! I hope that this pattern they've fallen into is reaching an end, it seems like it could so easily be avoided. :/

In other news! I woke up with a really scratchy throat and suggested that we postpone our date because Gia can't really afford to get sick right now. Boooooooo. It'll probably be a couple of weeks before we can reschedule too, since we're both so busy right now. SO ANNOYING. Ah, well, there's at least one silver lining in that I know she found the delay very frustrating too, and I like to think of her missing me and wanting me. Mm, yes. A little delayed gratification can have its charms.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #622  
Old 01-10-2013, 10:03 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

Date is rescheduled for the end of the month. And we're going to do it on a weekend instead of an evening, so we'll actually have more time. Feeling good about things, pretty centered. It's going to be a long, fun, highly social weekend, assuming this dang cold doesn't put me out of commission.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #623  
Old 01-18-2013, 05:03 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

On Sunday, a bunch of our friends, including Gia, Eric, and myself, went back to the 24-hour spa that we'd first visited back in July. They left Bee with one of his sets of grandparents this time. We arrived very early, when it was nearly deserted. The place is split into sex-segregated pools and co-ed saunas. The pool areas are nudity-mandatory. Gia and I found a corner of one of the large hot tubs where we could relax, just the two of us, feeling almost alone. Naked, warm, wet, thighs touching, jets of bubbles tickling our skin, talking softly.

*sigh* Good memory.

The whole day was very good, very relaxed (duh, spa). Better than the last time we went. Near the end of the day, Gia flounced over to where I was chilling on a mat on the floor in the co-ed area, sat down in front of me, and said "I want a foot rub!" Obviously, I obliged. It was delightful.

Tuesday was my night with Bee. If you've never had a toddler dance in delight at seeing you, I highly recommend the experience. I took him to the library, like I normally do, but then instead of going to the diner afterwards as I've been doing, I took him to my parents' house. Better food, plus they were very happy to see us both. My mom is falling a bit in love with Bee, I think, it's cute. He was very good all night, except for one incident where he threw a toy truck at my face. He was shocked when I yelled "NO" (it didn't really hurt, but I wanted to make sure he knew it wasn't ok). He picked the truck back up and handed it to me, as if to make up for his mistaken method of transferring it previously.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #624  
Old 01-18-2013, 06:05 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

Gia shared her online calender with me a long while back, so all of her appointments show up on mine. I don't use the calender much, but I happened to notice a few days ago that she had a note reading "Dexter" on this coming Saturday. My guess, of course, was that she'd finally managed to schedule a date with him... seems reasonable, considering how desperately she's wanted to make that happen. Assuming that I'm right about the meaning of the note (and who knows, I might not be), this will be the first time, that I know of, that they get together intentionally, in a scheduled way, for sex.

Working under the presumption of what the note meant, I was a little disappointed that she hadn't chosen to tell me, but I was also at peace with the whole thing, with the idea that telling me when she sees him wasn't something we'd ever agreed upon and in no way needed to be. After my bad reaction to the last time she'd tried to schedule time with him, I could certainly understand her reluctance, anyway.

The one thing that nagged at me, a little, was that I hadn't yet told her of my change of heart about her time with Dex. I thought that she'd like to hear it, and I worried that she might feel guilty about seeing him, or like she needed to keep the fact of the date from me to spare my feelings. In theory, she should know that I can see her calendar, but, knowing her, I would honestly be surprised if she remembered that fact. On the other hand, maybe she knows that I can see it, and leaving it there was sort of a compromise between telling me and not telling me.

.........definitely over-thinking this.

Anyway! She and I have both been more busy than usual at work lately, so we haven't been chatting much during the day, which is how we usually communicate things large and small throughout the week. Tonight I got concerned that we might not actually get a chance to talk before Saturday. I didn't want any worries about me to weigh on her needlessly during her date, if there is indeed a date. So I called her. We don't talk on the phone much, she's not a big fan of that mode of conversation.

It wasn't that late in the evening, but she was already in bed. Eric answered the phone, and passed it over to her. She was in the midst of trying to nurse Bee. I was a little embarrassed at having interrupted their evening, but she seemed happy enough to talk. Apparently Bee wasn't paying much attention to the task of nursing, anyway. I said "Hi Bee!" and she passed the phone to him. He could see my picture on the screen of her smartphone and he said my name. I talked back to him, laughing, as he said my name over and over and burbled and babbled. So, so adorable.

Gia left the room so she could talk to me. I protested that she didn't need to do that, but she'd already gone out. I could hear Bee calling my name after her, and felt embarrassed again at the interruption I'd caused. Her voice was gentle, I got the sense that she didn't know whether she was going to be hearing something good or bad. I so appreciated her making the space to hear me, even as I felt a little silly at not having anything "important" to say.

In broad strokes, I outlined the sort of back-and-forth conversation I'd had with myself during the period when I moved from feeling the fear-based need to keep track of her time with Dexter, to the acceptance and calm that came once I decided to let all that go. I mentioned that I still might be sensitive on the topic, but that I just felt so much better now, and that I'd thought she'd like to know.

When I'd finished, her voice took on such a lovely, pleased tone in response. I can hardly remember what she said, aside from the fact that it was positive, I just remember her tone. It's so, so good to hear her happy, it makes my heart glad. We talked just a little bit more, she said that she was looking forward to our date next Saturday. I told her that I planned to do some reading up on massage techniques. We exchanged I love you's, and then went back to our separate lives. We'll see each other next this Sunday, for a tabletop roleplaying game.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 01-18-2013 at 06:08 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #625  
Old 01-18-2013, 10:09 AM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 496
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
When I'd finished, her voice took on such a lovely, pleased tone in response. I can hardly remember what she said, aside from the fact that it was positive, I just remember her tone. It's so, so good to hear her happy, it makes my heart glad.
This is wonderful, I think it might be the definition of karma. <3
__________________
Living with my partner Mya and metamour Hank. Seeing Lily.
Reply With Quote
  #626  
Old 01-20-2013, 04:51 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

So, here I am at the rave show. This club is really big, three floors. I've tucked myself away in a corner with couches on the second floor. Empty carton of fries and mostly-drunk screwdriver on the low metal table in front of me. Kids littered about around me, long hair, tye dye, fluorescent accessories.

I had a quiet day, productive. I made soup for dinner for me and my roommates and some friends of theirs who were over. I don't usually make soup, but I learned how. Then Gia messaged me, she had a friend who was going to this show and had an extra ticket, would I like to go? Would she be going, I asked? No, Eric had been watching Bee all day, so she couldn't just leave. That confirmed my supposition about her date with Dex. I felt a little weird, calm and freaked out all at once. At peace, and sad/scared simultaneously... does she want me, does she want me, does she want me. Why should it matter so much if she wants me. The question intrusive, separate from the reality of my calm heartbeat, calm hands. I said I'd love to go the show, worked out the details with her friend. I thought it'd be good to get out of the house.

Once I was here, I wondered if I'd made a mistake. Feeling misanthropic and utterly uninterested in the music. Well, it'd been worth a try. I'm not unhappy to be here, just too much in my own head, even though I'm not actually thinking much that's coherent at all. Typing this out on my smartphone instead of thinking.

Davis spent the night last night. Good to have his warm presence at my side, though I felt distracted. He left in the morning. This evening he called, said he'd thought maybe I'd call him, had been surprised when I hadn't. I said "you could have called me if you'd wanted to hang out." So many half-formed, unanswered questions floating about -- what is love, what is commitment, what do we owe each other, what are we doing here, what should come next.

I think I'm going to go home. Lie in bed, listen to music I like better than the music here. Rest.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #627  
Old 01-25-2013, 11:47 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

Gia and I have our January date tomorrow, a Saturday. I'd been kinda wondering, in the back of my head, if it would really happen. She was eager enough to set the date back when we were rescheduling, but then, when I tried to establish a time frame for it... morning, afternoon, evening?... she got really antsy and didn't want to be pinned down. No big deal, I thought, she's stressed, she wants to keep things flexible. But she'd never reacted like that before, and it reminded me of how I act when I'm agreeing to do something I don't really want to do. So, part of me wondered.

I messaged her today, just to say hi, and she admitted to me that she's stressed out about the date, said that she didn't know why. I posed some possibilities -- maybe she feels like she's been asking Eric to babysit too often? Maybe her weekend time is just too important for getting chores done, and she'd feel better if we got together on a weeknight, like we normally do? She said that it might be those things, to some degree, but that more than anything she 1) was feeling very unsure about the D/s scene we'd had planned, and 2) was feeling claustrophobic physically, like she needed space.

Number 1 I could totally understand. No problem, I said, we can call off the scene, we shouldn't be pushing ourselves or each other into things we're not ready for. As for number 2... that set off an alarm bell. She had just been mentioning to me, a few days before, how much more sex she and Eric have been having since he went on a new anti-depressant drug and his mood improved. And then there was the matter of Dexter. I asked her, finally, if she and he had gotten together last weekend. She told me that they had, and said that there's now one less virgin in the world. What a powerful experience for her, I thought to myself, to be his first. How bonding that must be.

So. She is more than happy to be physically close to the men in her life. But not to me. The reason seemed beyond obvious. I told her that I thought we ought to consider the fact that it might just be that I'm a woman, and her mind and her body are inclined towards men right now. I've been in the position before of feeling like I "ought" to have sex with someone when I didn't really want to, and physically claustrophobic is a good way to describe my experience of that feeling.

"But," she said "it shouldn't be that way!!!"

"It might be part of it, though," she went on to say. "Or it could just be stress, or anxiety, the sort I've always had."

Of course it might, I agreed.

We talked a little more, and we agreed that I wouldn't initiate any physical contact, I would leave any and all touching completely up to her. She said that if we could do that, and if things could really be ok like that, she'd find it very reassuring. I promised her that we could just eat dinner and hang out, that I wouldn't be expecting anything. I told her that I felt calm and flexible. And I did, as I was typing. She told me that there was an entire year, in her relationship with Eric, when she didn't ever want him to initiate. She couldn't promise me that this was the same, she said, but it was, at least, in line with how her various anxieties have played out in the past. I drew some comfort from that thought.

Then I went to lunch and read over the conversation a couple of times. On my way back to my office I cried a little. Just letting the feeling of sadness pass through me. Maybe my girlfriend is straight. Maybe my girlfriend is straight. I was surprised at how calm I was, despite the tears. "No expectations," I told myself. There's nothing wrong with being straight, she shouldn't feel like it's wrong if that's really how it is for her now. But what would it mean for us? On her blog, sometimes she refers to me as "hers." How can she feel that way and not want me? Could I really be ok with being her non-sexual girlfriend, if things end up continuing in this direction?

I felt around in my heart, and discovered that I honestly didn't feel jealous about Eric, or about Dexter, I *just* wanted to know what will happen with her and me... which of course I can't know. It's frustrating and scary. Still, whatever changed in me when I made the decision to accept her involvement with Dexter and release any sense of control about it, it seems to be holding, and that's a relief at least. I think this would all be so much harder if I was still thinking in the way I had been before that shift.

During the course of the day, I thought about talking to Eric about my conversation with Gia. He and I chatted about some other things, but I didn't bring it up. When I got home, I thought about talking to my roommate Eddie about it. We talk about anything and everything when it comes to sex and love, but I didn't bring it up. What could anyone offer me in response to "I think my girlfriend might be straight" except sympathy? I didn't want to hear anyone say "I'm sorry."
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #628  
Old 01-26-2013, 12:10 AM
Emm's Avatar
Emm Emm is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 706
Default

I'm sorry to jump in with a nitpick, but it annoys me whenever I see this particular word choice as it seems to imply that only women can parent and that men spending time with their own children should be seen as somehow unusual.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
-- maybe she feels like she's been asking Eric to babysit too often?
Babysitting is something a non-parent does when the parent(s) have somewhere else to be. Bee is Eric's child. When he's looking after Bee he's not babysitting, he's parenting. Just because it's not the female parent doing it doesn't make it babysitting.
Reply With Quote
  #629  
Old 01-26-2013, 03:59 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

I meant it purely in the sense that if one of them watches the baby while the other goes out and has fun, it can be a bit of a chore for the one left home alone with the sole responsibility for the rambunctious toddler, inasmuch as the one at home can't really do anything BUT look after the baby during that time. They very rarely leave each other in that position, so it's sort of a special favor from one to the other when they do. That said, I can't swear to the fact that I've ever used the word "babysitting" in reference to Gia, so perhaps I was revealing a bit of cultural bias.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #630  
Old 01-26-2013, 04:56 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

Finding this song very soothing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZwny...e_gdata_player
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bisexual, boundaries, mono/poly, pregnancy, secondary, unrequited, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:11 PM.