How can I get myself hot for my 1st lover when all my body wants is my new lover?

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by lilyankh

"assertive, aggressive, dominate me, tear my clothes off, handcuff me, take me more forcefully, etc." as one of you suggested...and he admittedly just can't do it. It makes him uncomfortable. (And I am able to get this with my boyfriend). He has a low self esteem which just keeps getting worse and then he had no confidence and then I have a lot of trouble being turned on by this...

I would phrase it to him as "this is what I need to get off. That's about me, not you. My sexual needs, not your ability to perform. But if satisfying me is something that's important to you, then these are the skills you need to learn."

I can relate to him as dominating doesn't come naturally be me either. I have to psych myself up for it and really put myself in someone else's shoes. But it's worth it. That's the only way to get my husband to moan and groan. That's how he is. "My" inability to get him of with vanilla has nothing to do with my ability to stimulate, and everything with his ability to be stimulated.

Originally Posted by Anneintherain

I think there's an unhealthy amount of responsibility being put on your husband here to suddenly change after years to be something else, I'm sure he feels the pressure and so of course his self esteem is going to keep taking a beating.

Good point. When I'm not already in the mood, nothing anyone else does will get me there. Maybe, with you now expecting it not to work, you've failed before you've even stated.

[GalaGirl]

We are always trying new things...but so far no luck. I just have so much trouble getting hot enough to come...and he is not going to feel better until he can make me come.

Why is orgasm the goal? Why is you having an orgasm the only thing that makes the Shared Sex "successful" to him?

So odd to me. I tend to think the goal of a good Sex Share is to Share!

If orgasm is the goal I can always roll over and masturbate and get off. Presto! It's not like I need a partner to cum. Sharing sex with a partner is to enjoy being with the partner to me.

He has a low self esteem which just keeps getting worse and then he had no confidence and then I have a lot of trouble being turned on by this...which just perpetuates the problem.

Well, if there's bad self esteem -- what's he plan to do to work on it?

If DH is dependent on your for everything maybe there's the other thing -- it isn't him "sharing" himself so much as you doing all the work? You aren't being gifted his Sex Share in a close intimate time. But more like... clocking time? And who wants that? To feel like you are servicing him rather than enjoying a good Sex Share with partner you desire and are turned on by?

How does HE want to share himself in sex? How does HE want to deal with his self esteem bucket of issues?

I don't see how pulling away from each other will solve anything. Keep trying to come together and share the time, not avoid it due to lack of orgasm!

I know if we spent more time together it would be easier, but his job takes him 6 days a week, all day.

Well, that is a limitation you presently both have to deal with. The limit of the job taking up so much time.

Try to relax and have fun with each other. Give him something new to think about. He's not up for "rough stuff" so perhaps this could honor that for him but could be intense enough for you...

Since you want to explore new things, and you got the lube out already, and he wants to make you cum and you are thinking about kink -- how about exploring "A Hand in the Bush?" with him? It's slow, intimate edge play of another kind.

Learning to do that together might increase your hotness for him and his self esteem in his sex skills.

I don't know if that floats your boat but if it does? Make a date for Target -- get the gloves, a small mister bottle for water to spray and reactivate the lube and hit the baby aisle for a waterproof bassinet liner to sit on when you are in bed exploring this. Because if you both learn it to where you go and jill, it goes all over. Hello, laundry!

I can't imagine he would not be impressed with the "Wow! I helped her do that!" A nice boost to the esteem and since BF gets you off so many other ways, something you could save as a special thing for just DH.

HTH!
Galagirl

[Marcus]

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

Why is orgasm the goal? Why is you having an orgasm the only thing that makes the Shared Sex "successful" to him?

I agree, both of you might take a look at your assumptions regarding what is a functional romantic life. One of the benefits of a non-traditional relationship is that no one person is responsible for all of our romantic desires/needs. We also have the ability to be reasonable about the fluctuations our relationship might go through over time.

It sounds like your husband is in a bit of a rut; it happens. The first thing he will want to do is get over (entirely) his insistence on your orgasm and wetness. It doesn't matter if you "always used to" orgasm with him or not, because that is not the way it is now. Sex should be enjoyed and shared, if it's work then you are officially doing it wrong. One great way to scare off an orgasm is to be overly concerned about its arrival. I say, stop worrying about what you don't have and work with what you do have.

[SkylerSquirrel]

Originally Posted by Anneintherain

I dont think its my partners job to arouse my body, it's largely mine, and my minds, and it sounds like you have some wrangling of your mind to do to get it back on track to take control of your own pleasure.

I like this idea. I will keep it in mind, no pun intended

[JaneQSmythe]

I'm going to respond to my "gestalt" of this thread, as opposed to specific quotes.

#1.) Give it time. NRE lasts 6 months to two years. Until you are past that and things have "settled down" things are still in flux.

Attention waxes and wanes. When I got together with Dude I was hot for him all the time - he was "new and shiny" and I had a huge store of "horny" saved up! Now? (two years in). I have sex with Dude all the time. Sex with MrS is no more frequent, but, because of its infrequency, is much more "wetness"-inducing.

#2.) YOU are responsible for getting your needs met...even if it means doing it yourself.

I really like the suggestion that you add toys to your play. There is nothing wrong with lubes/toys. Get yourself close and then get him to "finish" you...or let him have his fun then "finish" yourself. Make him watch you get yourself off and not "let" him participate...etc.

#3.) It is OK to give someone a "gift" of sex...if you want to.

I'm not saying that you should do anything that makes you uncomfortable! BUT, I can give my boyfriend a blowjob because HE will enjoy it, even if I am not turned on by the act itself - I still enjoy HIS enjoyment. Sometimes I get "oral favors" because I LIKE that, even if there is no reciprocal activity. Yes, it's great when sexual activity is mutually sexually satisfactory...but it is actually okay for the attention to be one-sided if everyone is happy with that.