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Old 01-17-2013, 10:16 PM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
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Originally Posted by lilyankh View Post
"assertive, aggressive, dominate me, tear my clothes off, handcuff me, take me more forcefully, etc." as one of you suggested...and he admittedly just can't do it. It makes him uncomfortable. (And I am able to get this with my boyfriend). He has a low self esteem which just keeps getting worse and then he had no confidence and then I have a lot of trouble being turned on by this...
I would phrase it to him as "this is what I need to get off. That's about me, not you. My sexual needs, not your ability to perform. But if satisfying me is something that's important to you, then these are the skills you need to learn."

I can relate to him as dominating doesn't come naturally be me either. I have to psych myself up for it and really put myself in someone else's shoes. But it's worth it. That's the only way to get my husband to moan and groan. That's how he is. "My" inability to get him of with vanilla has nothing to do with my ability to stimulate, and everything with his ability to be stimulated.

Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I think there's an unhealthy amount of responsibility being put on your husband here to suddenly change after years to be something else, I'm sure he feels the pressure and so of course his self esteem is going to keep taking a beating.
Good point. When I'm not already in the mood, nothing anyone else does will get me there. Maybe, with you now expecting it not to work, you've failed before you've even stated.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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