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  #1  
Old 01-16-2013, 08:41 PM
lilyankh lilyankh is offline
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Default How can I get myself hot for my 1st lover when all my body wants is my new lover?

Main Issue: I've been with my husband for 5 years, I love him and can't live without him. No one knows me better. But his self esteem has been low and our sex life has been on and off and boring for at least a year. No matter what he does I just don't get wet any more for him. We have to use lube all the time. 9 months ago I met my boyfriend. It became sexual about 6 months ago. The sex is HOT...and FUN...
So the other week my husband unintentionally (or not) overheard my boyfriend make me come several times in one session. This was devastating to my husband's self esteem because he rarely makes me come. So in light of this he has declared that he has given up trying to spice things up and that if I have an idea we can try it. ... I am cool with that.
More Details: I am the more creative and the dominate one in the relationship anyways. He relys on me for every thing else (food, home stuff, social calendar stuff). But I can't seem to block out my boyfriend in my head to reconnect with my husband. Sexually all I can think about is my boyfriend....When I think about my husband I think sweet, kind, patient, best friend etc...but none of that makes me wet.
The one thing that worked once was I roll played as his dom...that got me very hot...but while he doesn't mind that he is not good at role playing and once we started fucking it was the same boring style and my mind wandered again. Plus I need to learn more about being a dom...because i don't think I was very good at it. (I'm talking about a dom for an hour of sex, not full time)
Question: How can I get my self hot for my husband when all mind wants sexually is my boyfriend?
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  #2  
Old 01-17-2013, 01:43 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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You do whatever it takes. Otherwise, just have sex and don't worry about getting "hot". This assumes that you WANT to maintain a sexual connection with your more established partner. The way I say it here sounds simplistic and vulgar, but i don't have time to type out all the examples. I went through this a year or two ago, and still am to some extent, although now it's the otehr way around and my Spouse is really hot for their other partner... It's ok, it will all come around again. Just treat each other good.
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Old 01-17-2013, 04:10 AM
HimAndHerInBP HimAndHerInBP is offline
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Have you spoke with him about what his desires are and what turns him on? If you can find that, perhaps he'll get a bit more exciting instead of same old same old. And with that, it will likely fix your moisture problem.
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Old 01-17-2013, 04:23 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by HimAndHerInBP View Post
Have you spoke with him about what his desires are and what turns him on? If you can find that, perhaps he'll get a bit more exciting instead of same old same old. And with that, it will likely fix your moisture problem.
Being "hot" for someone is about more than just getting wet. LOL...
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Old 01-17-2013, 04:44 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Lilyankh, maybe you could ask yourself what, specifically makes sex with your husband so boring? Then try to do the opposite.

For example, you mentioned your thoughts about his personality and he sounds like more of a gentle, loving yet somewhat dependent person. So, maybe you want him to be more assertive, aggressive. Ask him to dominate you, tear your clothes off, handcuff you, take you more forcefully, etc.

Or if it is very specific techniques that bore you, read up on new things to do. If you always wind up in the same old position, change it up, change the room. If it's always missionary with the lights off, then do it against the wall in the dining room in the middle of the day. Tell him you want him to surprise you with something you've never done before at least once a week. Let him know you want him to be creative. Take him to a sex toy store and get ideas.

If it's a personality thing, then what would make your husband more interesting to you? So often we take for granted that the people in our lives are who they are and never change. But that is impossible - we are all a little bit new every single day. Maybe he has secret desires, untapped talents, that you could encourage him to explore and share with you. Take a fun class together, find a new hobby or social circle together, let him take over some of the things he depends on you for, and try to see him in a new light. I think the last part is most important - it's so easy to say someone else is boring, but how much are we really willing to see that person for all of who they are and not just the everyday role they play in our life? How much is it you taking him for granted and expecting him to be predictable, which might set in motion a self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe you need to get to know him better!

Just afew ideas for you... hope you find some inspiration.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-17-2013 at 04:48 AM.
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Old 01-17-2013, 05:19 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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It's important that you realize this is just a phase. This isn't how it has to be forever.

You can also fantasize that you're "trying" things on your husband that you want to try with your boyfriend, and variations on that theme. Husband does not have to know you're doing this unless it's something that you think or know would be a turn-on for him.
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Old 01-17-2013, 06:44 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyankh View Post
The one thing that worked once was I roll played as his dom...that got me very hot...but while he doesn't mind that he is not good at role playing and once we started fucking it was the same boring style and my mind wandered again. Plus I need to learn more about being a dom...because i don't think I was very good at it. (I'm talking about a dom for an hour of sex, not full time)
Well one thing about being a Dom is that you have to just take it. You "use" him to satisfy yourself, and you let his pleasure come from you pleasuring yourself with him. In other words, if it reverts back to boring old missionary, you have nobody to blame but yourself, because you're the one driving the scene. So blindfold him, ties his arms up, and take what you want! But negotiate all that before you start so that you don't cross any boundaries, of course.

At least, that's what my husband's told me he wants from me when he wants to be submissive have me dominate him. It doesn't come naturally for me because I'm a passive, easy-going person. Taking control and having my way just doesn't feel loving.

But that requires your husband to actually desire the submissive role, or else you really will be using him. It's hard for me to get my head around, because to me "using" someone for my own sexual gratification is wrong. But my husband assures me that's what he wants and that it's what will bring him pleasure, so I dig deep, psych myself up, and just do it.

... As for it being "just a phase" that really depends. If you don't do something about it and let it just continue, then there's a real chance that the phase will grow longer and longer and just become "the way it is now." Most people really do need active effort to maintain a healthy, exciting sex life after the newness wears off.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 01-17-2013 at 06:46 AM.
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  #8  
Old 01-17-2013, 04:09 PM
lilyankh lilyankh is offline
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Default making myself more clear...

Thank you everyone! All of you have been helpful, especially Nycindie you gave me a lot of suggestions.
I realize now I was not clear enough. My husband is easily turned on by me I don't have to do much he's always ready to go. I do the special things he likes. The issue is I'm struggling to get wet for him, but more specifically he doesn't make me come very often and this bothers him...especially since he found out my boyfriend does all the time (don't ask it's a long story) We are going to do what ever it takes. We have always been open and communicating about this issue. We are always trying new things...but so far no luck. I just have so much trouble getting hot enough to come...and he is not going to feel better until he can make me come.
I have tried to get him at first gently and then very clearly that I would like him to be more "assertive, aggressive, dominate me, tear my clothes off, handcuff me, take me more forcefully, etc." as one of you suggested...and he admittedly just can't do it. It makes him uncomfortable. (And I am able to get this with my boyfriend). He has a low self esteem which just keeps getting worse and then he had no confidence and then I have a lot of trouble being turned on by this...which just perpetuates the problem. I know if we spent more time together it would be easier, but his job takes him 6 days a week, all day. This caused a lot of issues for me at first, but now that i have a boyfriend things are better for me...but my husband and I have the same problems...too little time, too little bonding and sex. (Note: The boyfriend doesn't take time away from my husband and I. Only the job.) He will not have this job forever ... but he will for a few more years...so we are going to have to figure out something. The next thing we are going to try is to explore the world of kink...we'll see.
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  #9  
Old 01-17-2013, 05:15 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Did you used to orgasm a lot during sex with your husband? I've found that to be mainly about penis shape for me, ie with a curved penis I wouldn't ever orgasm from intercourse alone, a straight penis is the opposite.

Anyway, I think there's an unhealthy amount of responsibility being put on your husband here to suddenly change after years to be something else, I'm sure he feels the pressure and so of course his self esteem is going to keep taking a beating. One suggestion is if you don't get wet, don't have sex with him until you do even if it means not having sex. Maybe that sexual frustration will make you work harder at getting aroused. I'd spend a lot of time on literotica.com too so I was already aroused before trying to have sex with him. I dont think its my partners job to arouse my body, it's largely mine, and my minds, and it sounds like you have some wrangling of your mind to do to get it back on track to take control of your own pleasure. It's up to you to find ways to keep your boyfriend out of it while you focus to enjoy what you actually have going on with your husband (unless fantasizing is a help - but here it just sounds like its frustrating).

If you were content with the sex you were having before, and now that you've decided you prefer assertive and aggressive you're not going to be content unless your husband is like that, well that's kind of shitty I think, and unfair. People who aren't comfortable with that don't often wake up comfortable with that one day, and repeated requests for them to be different so you can manage to enjoy the sex more are destructive to the relationship. Speaking from experience. I do hope you find some kinky activities you can share that he is comfortable with too, and I also suggest seeing a counselor whos experienced in sexual topics a couple times to see if you could get help there.
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  #10  
Old 01-17-2013, 06:05 PM
Josie Josie is offline
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Have you tried using toys?

Personally, I'm damn near impossible to finish off from sex alone, and the toys really help.
Sometimes it's a matter of association as well. If you largely associate your boyfriend with pleasure you're going to get turned on by him and it sounds like you don't associate your husband with pleasure anymore.

Using toys and such to stimulate yourself during sex, may still not directly be him turning you on but it really helps in associating your lover with the pleasure your receiving.

Mutual masturbation can work in quite the same way. I think, you just need to experience pleasure around your husband again and then when you're with him, in a similar setting, your memories and physical associations should do the rest for you.
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