"I love you" and secondaries

[RainyGrlJenny]

My boyfriend, Fly, hardly ever tells me he loves me. It took maybe 3 years into our relationship for him to say it, and he almost never says it first, unless he's a little tipsy. Every couple months I'll ask, "Hey, you love me?" and he'll say "Yes, I love you." Usually, if I tell him I love him, he says "Thanks." It used to bother me, now it makes me laugh.

He feels that the word and sentiment are overused, and have lost their power for a lot of people. He also comes from a non-demonstrative, cold (in my opinion) family, so he doesn't have a lot of practice. He also used to believe that the L-word had connotations of monogamy and exclusiveness, and he had to learn to trust my ability to be non-monogamous and allow him that freedom before he could feel comfortable saying it to me. The only person he can unreservedly say it to is his son.

Moonlight told me she loved me about 2-3 months in. I would reply with "I adore you" or "You're so special to me!" I really wasn't ready to make the sort of unspoken commitment implied by telling someone you love them, and it took me a while before I finally busted out with it. Now she and I are a regular goofest!

For me, I'm an I-Love-You sayer. It's really important to me that people I care about know it, and in my opinion, you can't trust that your actions will convey that message. So I ILY all over the place, to my family and friends and lovers, but only when it's true. It just happens that I find it easy to love!

I think it depends on so many things - personality, background (I have a very gooey family, we always say ILY on the phone or when we say goodbye), culture, associations with the word, experiences...

If it really bothers you, I think you should say something, as others have suggested. Worms or no worms, if you need the words it's going to be difficult to sustain the relationship without getting what you need from it.

[Niteowl01]

Hi,
My first day on the site and what a wonderful question to find. Like most, I've learned more from my failed relationships than anything. One thing that seems to have sunk in is that love, true love, the kind we seek - apart from all the other things we use the one word for - has little to do with feelings at all. Feelings fly across the surface of our beings, ever changing.

Infatuation is a feeling. Affection, lust, these are feelings. Love. Well, that is a behavior that provokes feelings.

I'm really mystified by folks whose behavior demonstrates love but who are reluctant to put it into words. Since when are words more powerful than behavior?

Do it, say it, feel it.

;>)

p.s. I don't know all the lingo yet so call me a guy with an abundance of affection that perhaps needs a poly environment to thrive.

[Natja]

Actions speak louder than words in my mind. I have an ex who told me he loved me, he admitted later he only said that because he felt pressured to because I said it first.

I hated him for that dishonesty, I wasn't expecting him to say it, I did not prompt him or wait looking at him to say it, I just wanted to share my feelings. I was naive I suppose, because I did not realise that a declaration like that, in itself was a pressure.

[AggieSez]

Some people (even poly people) really don't like explicit declarations of love, for a variety of reasons. Admittedly it's a word that come with a lot of social baggage and expectations -- because declaring love is a typical major benchmark of progress along society's standard relationship escalator.

But if you're not hear the L word and that bothers you (or if you're just wondering why), it's probably a good idea to talk to your partner (and metamours, if any) about it.

Sometimes existing primary-style relationships have an agreement (or tacit understanding) that you "can't fall in love" with a non-primary partner. This is usually a way of establishing hierarchy, and an attempt to try to prevent jealousy or to keep a non-primary relationship from becoming "too important." Whether or not this is a good idea or if it works, it happens.

Trouble is, often existing primary partners do not clearly articulate this boundary or rule up front to non-primary partners. Perhaps they haven't even discussed it clearly between themselves, or perhaps they're just embarrassed to admit it -- especially after a non-primary relationship has gone on for awhile and the people involved are obviously pretty invested in it. A lot of drama can ensue in such situations -- which a clear, direct conversation could often prevent.

[Sereia]

First post here ever so sorry if I don't know all the ins and outs!
I say I
'I love you' *a lot*. I say it to my daughter probably 50 times a day. My husband a few and my lover usually when I see him. With my lover we first exchanged 'I love you' after a difficult but invigorating online chat - where we basically decided to stop the physical side of our relationship - and then ended up at 'I love you'. . . So we said it once and a while - while 'just friends' and we say it quite a bit now that we are lovers again. Life is interesting hey?

[BreatheDeeply]

I'm not a big proponent of the verbal I-Love-you. Would rather show it in a thousand different ways (my motto: actions speak louder then words!). BUT, have kids, wife and dogs who want me to say it, and say it often. So I do. It's just that, as mentioned earlier in this thread, I think it's overused, and I think that the word itself pales in comparison to most love-actions (like making a great home-made meal for them, playing baseball with them, unexpectedly bringing them flowers, a nice bone for the dogs, or caressing the side of their face (wife, not dogs!). But, as I am in love with these people+animals, I have no problem saying it and saying it often.

I just don't tell my male friends that I say those things.

[Aquarius]

Wow not sure how I love you can be over used.

I know that it def can be 'under' used.

I say love you to my boys, my hubby my friends often. If I feel it I'll say it. I agree actions are important too. Without the actions the words are pointless. But without the words..... Would be a sad place.

I think people get scared with the phrase and what responsibilities ( read baggage) comes with it. Then don't say it. Love and all it's stuff can be heady,sweaty hot, cold,painful and ecstatic ! And sometimes at the same time. I love saying I love you to the ones I love. But please don't feel you have to say it back. Tell me when you want to, spontaneously when you feel it. Or don't . Your choice.

[Magdlyn]

My bf doesnt say it often. My gf says it a couple dozen times a day. Both also show it in many ways. I say it to gf, she says it back. I say it to bf, he says, mmmmm and hugs me.

Last year I dated a guy who was 62 and had never said it to anyone, he told me, including his parents, who never said it to him. So sad. After we were together a while he admitted to me that in private, he said it to his dog regularly.

Eventually he started saying it to me and I think it did him a world of good. I felt fondness for him, so sometimes said it back, even though I was not head over heels in love with him. Sadly he wasn't right for me and we broke up. I wonder if he will ever allow himself to love another?

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by Natja

Actions speak louder than words in my mind. I have an ex who told me he loved me, he admitted later he only said that because he felt pressured to because I said it first.

I hated him for that dishonesty, I wasn't expecting him to say it, I did not prompt him or wait looking at him to say it, I just wanted to share my feelings. I was naive I suppose, because I did not realise that a declaration like that, in itself was a pressure.

I can see where he was coming from, though. When many (most, even) people say it, they do expect it to be returned.

If I ever told someone I loved them and I didn't expect it back, I would explicitly say that in my delivery. "I don't expect you to return this unless you really really mean it, and I won't be hurt or offended if you don't. But I just want you to know, I love you."

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by Sereia

'I love you' *a lot*. I say it to my daughter probably 50 times a day. My husband a few and my lover usually when I see him.

I think it's different in the parent-child relationship. With the obvious exceptions, you're pretty much born loving your mom, and she loves you as soon as she finds out about you. So there's never this "is it too soon? Will she say it back?" pressure. Moms don't even expect you to say it back every time... you're a kid. Kids are too busy being interested in toys and games and friends to think about things like love. Saying it back, with kids, is usually more from training than sincere, original intention.

My mom always opens her e-mails with "Hi Daughter! I love you so much!" I didn't used to bother returning it, and then I figured "well, I DO love my mom, it's not like it costs me anything to tell her so." So I started opening mine "Hi Mom! I love you!" and the first time I did it, she was over the moon. "It makes me so happy when you 'say' you love me in your e-mails! Thank you so much! You're the best daughter in the world!" And right away I was like "wow, that was so easy, and made her so happy and cost me nothing but 11 keystrokes. Considering how many thousands I spend here, hardly something to complain about."

Similarly, it takes like 1.6 seconds to say. Maybe you think it's overused, maybe you don't want to say it just to say it... but if there's someone in your life who will appreciate it, why make a big stink about it? It costs you virtually nothing and can bring a smile to someone's face. So if you think showing it is enough, and someone who matters says it isn't, then just say it and shut up about it. I think it's dumb to go so far as refusing to say it because of some social analysis, to the point where you're hurting your loved ones with your obstinance.