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  #21  
Old 01-14-2013, 10:52 AM
lolalondon lolalondon is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I can relate to him in this sense, and I don't think it's something that needs working on from his perspective. I don't see it as a dysfunction (you didn't use that word, but "something to work on" implies that you might see it that way... just my interpretation). That could be because my husband is the only person I can stand spending more than 3 days consecutively with. And at the end of his 3.5 weeks vacation at Christmas, I was sooo ready for him to go back to work out of town. I love him fully, I love having him around, but I need my own time and space. I think it's one of the reasons I never wanted kids.

I don't have OCD and I'm a psychologically healthy person, so I don't see that as a shortcoming in myself. I'm not sure this is a symptom of his OCD either, it could just be who he is. Someone having one disorder does not mean everything that's "different" about them is part of that disorder. Not every difference is a problem, unless the person with the difference sees it as a problem themselves.

What it does mean is that it creates a source of incompatibility with someone who wants / needs a relationship to be an "every day" kind of thing. So while it's not a problem for him in and of itself, it clearly is a problem for your relationship, and that sucks.

Now that you know this about yourself, it would be a good thing to put on the table at the beginning of any future relationships. Not like "Hi, thanks for asking me on this first date. So when do you want to move in?" but just mentioning that you're not interested in any relationships that don't have moving in as an eventual possibility.

I got dumped once because I told the guy we would never get married. I can't remember if that was when I still thought I would never get married to anyone because that meant being trapped in monogamy; but I definitely knew he was not husband material for me regardless. He was fun to date, but I knew it wasn't going there. For his part, he couldn't be in a relationship where marriage was never going to be an option. It had to be something that was at least theoretically possible. So we parted ways with no hard feelings, having learned something valuable about ourselves.
Thanks, you're probably right. I think I see it this way because he won't treat or "work on" any of his issues and anxieties (from certain routines to social anxieties) regardless of how damaging they've been in all his past relationships. So I guess I see him as someone who won't look inside and try to face fears or take these kinds of risks (unless it's impulsive decisions he'd only make when a relationship is very new). He'd rather stay in his comfort zone and he wants others to "accept him as he is" even if this means he can't actually be a partner, in many ways, and that his needs always have to come first.

I also accept he might feel differently with someone else, like you did with your husband. He's at least learned to communicate since we got together and says it's thanks to me, I hope this is something he can keep doing.

I agree re knowing I want a full-time, live-in partner and being clear about it when I get serious with the next person...

And funnily enough, even though not poly, I would rather stay single than be in a mono relationship because I need my freedom to connect physically with others, have variety and not be in a situation where someone thinks they "own" me. Don't know what it means in terms of orientation
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  #22  
Old 01-14-2013, 11:54 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is online now
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Thanks, you're probably right. I think I see it this way because he won't treat or "work on" any of his issues and anxieties (from certain routines to social anxieties) regardless of how damaging they've been in all his past relationships. So I guess I see him as someone who won't look inside and try to face fears or take these kinds of risks (unless it's impulsive decisions he'd only make when a relationship is very new). He'd rather stay in his comfort zone and he wants others to "accept him as he is" even if this means he can't actually be a partner, in many ways, and that his needs always have to come first.
Oh, I should clarify, I was only talking about the inability to spend all of one's time with any one person. i.e. that I didn't see that as an "issue" for himself, though clearly an issue for a relationship with someone who can't relate. I'm lucky that my life partner is just as much a solitary creature as I am. As much as I enjoy having the house to myself a lot of the time, he enjoys being on the road working by himself.

But ideally, I like to see everyone work on their issues and grow and mature as people. At some point, he will have to choose between working on his issues or foregoing intimate, serious relationships. Not many (healthy) people will stick around with someone who isn't striving for self-improvement.

"Accept me as I am" is a fine criteria, as long as you acknowledge what you're sacrificing by holding on to it.
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  #23  
Old 01-15-2013, 12:36 AM
lolalondon lolalondon is offline
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^ I agree... and I always think that if you don't work on yourself, your hang-ups and anxieties end up being your only true long term partners.

If you don't mind me asking, how do you see thinks working out in your situation when he retires and you're both older? I assume you'd both be home together? Hope it's not too personal but I guess I'm just trying to get my head around how people manage alone time vs companionship.
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  #24  
Old 01-16-2013, 11:19 PM
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If you don't mind me asking, how do you see thinks working out in your situation when he retires and you're both older? I assume you'd both be home together? Hope it's not too personal but I guess I'm just trying to get my head around how people manage alone time vs companionship.
Yep, I've thought about that... We haven't really worked that out yet :P I'm more the "deal with it when it's an issue" type person. It's something that, in the back of my mind, may become an issue one day... or may not. Who knows how he and I will change as individuals in that time? I tend to over-think things enough as it is, without over-thinking problems that haven't even happened yet.

Maybe we'll build a guest house for one of us to live in (I've always fancied those Tiny Houses, it would be the perfect opportunity to actually build one). Maybe we'll buy a cottage and split our time between there, with as much or as little overlap as suits us... Maybe one of us will have a catastrophic car accident, and finding alone time will be the least of our worries.
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Gralson: my husband. Auto: my girlfriend.
Zoffee: Auto's husband. Cue: Zoffee's boyfriend. Bookie: Cue's wife.

"A real relationship doesn't properly begin until the NRE burns away. That's when you have to start dealing with this person as an all-around human being, replete with irritating little habits. When disillusion sets in, love can begin."
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  #25  
Old 01-20-2013, 05:43 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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My mom was an "accident." They already had 6 kids and they didn't want 7. My grandma never let her forget it. Her oldest sister was conceived out of wedlock, and likewise was seen as the reason that my grandma was alienated from her own family. But the two boys born 2nd and 3rd could do no wrong. Not cool, Grandma. Not cool.
Totally off topic, but OUCH, how cruel!
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  #26  
Old 01-21-2013, 03:43 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is online now
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Totally off topic, but OUCH, how cruel!
I agree, but I also believe she did the best with the tools she had.

I mean, she (my grandma) was kicked out of her family at probably 18 or so. Her family came from money and never approved of her choice to date that "poor farmer boy." When he got her pregnant, that was it. I assume she had the option of being shipped off to one of those homes for wayward girls to have her baby in secret and given up for adoption, but she chose love and her baby over her parents. So that's something, I guess.

Also, all this would have been the 1930s, a decade not exactly known for its progressive thinking and freedom of choice. Most likely, she was so busy trying to keep everyone's bellies full with scraps that finding time to be supportive was low on her list of priorities. That, combined with having little to no training in how to be a farm wife, would have pushed anyone to the limits.
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Gralson: my husband. Auto: my girlfriend.
Zoffee: Auto's husband. Cue: Zoffee's boyfriend. Bookie: Cue's wife.

"A real relationship doesn't properly begin until the NRE burns away. That's when you have to start dealing with this person as an all-around human being, replete with irritating little habits. When disillusion sets in, love can begin."
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