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Old 01-10-2013, 04:47 PM
minutemaid minutemaid is offline
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Default What is too much or too little time with a new primary?

Just as the topic says, what is too much or too little time with a new primary?

Background: it's a v relationship

Last edited by minutemaid; 01-10-2013 at 05:49 PM. Reason: Shortened paragraphs
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Old 01-10-2013, 11:46 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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How can anyone answer that, really? There isn't any set formula. How much time do you want with them? How much time do they want? How much time can either of you spare? What feels like enough? What feels like not enough?

It's a personal thing. Just as it is a personal choice to categorize a relationship according to a hierarchy (not everybody has a primary nor wants one), it is also a very personal thing to figure out how much time anyone can or wants to spend with someone. Nobody else can tell you what's right for you.

Is there some issue or strain on your time that prompted you to ask?
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 01-11-2013 at 06:05 AM.
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Old 01-11-2013, 05:00 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,857

There are no rules, as NYCindie says. What works is what works.

It really depends on the people involved. I live with my husband and my boyfriend. Most of my time is spent with both of them (and most of the time I don't spend with them, they spend together).

I describe my relationship with Dude as being "developing toward co-primary" but I don't spend any less time with him than with MrS. (In my case primary/secondary are "descriptive" rather than "proscriptive" depictions.) Some people are in situations where they may see a secondary (in person) more often than they see a primary (in an LDR)...

I would say that "too little" would be where someone doubts their status as "primary" and "too much" would be where the other person feels that they are getting short-changed...

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 01-11-2013, 11:26 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
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17.2 hours per week, including 3.6 hours on Saturdays. 18.1 is too much, 16.4 is too little.

Oh sorry, I'm illustrating a point by being passive-aggressive.

It depends entirely on your lifestyle, their lifestyle, and both of your desires. Some people are introverts who like to keep to themselves mostly. Others are extroverts who like to be surrounded by people. These and other factors will affect how much time you spend together.

But presumably this question stemmed from another issue. Did one partner accuse you of spending too much time with the other? Is someone feeling like they want you to spend more time with them?

For what it's worth, I see my husband 3 days out of every 2 weeks. I'd like more time, but he works on the road. I've known people to maintain long term relationships while in graduate school, in which they only saw their spouses for 3 weeks out of the year. I start to feel overwhelmed if I see my girlfriend more than 2-3 days in a week.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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