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  #301  
Old 01-11-2013, 09:53 AM
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Well... I'm one of those who doesn't want to guard against getting hurt, especially if that means missing out on something cool or great or fun. So, I would definitely go for a coffee and keep on crushing on her some more, even if I wasn't sure what can happen in the future.

Tee-hee.
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  #302  
Old 01-11-2013, 05:14 PM
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Default General outlook: Falling in love, again

(Heh … you really got me thinking; thanks rory ^.^)

Ok, aside from the un-/likeliness of 'something' ever being there in her case … just thinking about the prospect of crushing on/developing feelings/falling in love in general: Yes, you are right, I am guarding myself right now.

The “Why?” is a bit complex. First of all, the last time this happened (Lin) was the most stressful period of my whole life. Call it bad conditioning, but I dread it happening again. I am not made for this level of emotional stress. It was exhausting and nothing I care to experience a second time. This may have been due to the circumstances of not knowing what to make of experiencing multiple loves and adjusting my set of moral ground-rules. It may be different for such a case happening again now, but still … it will be an uproar.

Second point is Lin. He wouldn't be happy with anyone who enters my life on this level. Maybe he would be able to cope but I doubt him ever being comfortable with it at all. Sward was part of my life and in a way, part of the person I was from the start in his opinion. This worked and isn't a problem for him. But a new one? Maybe if it was a woman. He seems to find it logical that there is a certain lack of a female partner in my life right now; because I am bi. (Totally not how I make sense of it, but whatever: his point of view.) A man is out of question for sure.

Third one: time. I tend to miss interactions with one of them already if my day is too packed and I am occupied. Would I ever be satisfied if another person entered the picture and another urge to spend time with him/her would further complicate my schedule? I highly doubt that I am made for any kind of 'secondary arrangement' from the way my feelings work. Maybe I am too invested in my relationships, maybe I should learn to conduct them differently … but do I really wish for this to change?

Finally: I am scared of change and therefore I am scared of loss. I am satisfied right now. I love how things are and I want to keep it at that. Maybe some alterations here and there. Slowly processing and discovering other aspects. But never to loose the core. I luckily managed and coped when the last big change came about. Sward stayed, Lin was willing to join, we experienced something like a collective self-(re)-discovery or whatever to call it. But as far as my opinion is concerned: That was a fluke. Not likely to happen again in this successful manner. Even more unlikely with another person in the mix.

What do I make of this … ? I guess, I just have to accept that it isn't a prospect I (or everyone in my surrounding) want or would be able to stomach. At least at this point in time. I don't know if this will change.

What to do with this interest, then? There are sparks right now. Just an interest. I don't want flames. Too much is at stake to get burned. Maybe I should start to practice stuffing my feelings away (if there were some I develop in this situation). I did a bad job in this regard, when I think back at the time with Lin. I wasn't able to keep them at bay. That's why even a friendship with her scares me. As soon as I like her as a friend, will I be able to keep that level? I am so doubtful here, because I hardly experienced crushes in my life. Going back till Elementary School … maybe 5? That's why the basis for a friendship is kind of strained right from the start. I am not a 'crushy' type, I am too serious when something like that appears.

Champion worrier at work, you might say. At least I feel a bit clearer about it right now. Just a small part of me is not satisfied with the limitation and restriction.

[And I know that this is a whole mountain made of a little pebble here. I don't even know if she is interested in women or would ever bother to think of me that way. Just checking everything that may be in there as always.]
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Last edited by Phy; 01-11-2013 at 06:55 PM.
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  #303  
Old 01-11-2013, 05:57 PM
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Sometimes it's just nice to enjoy the crush , even if our logical brain says there's no point. The point is to enjoy the fantasy.
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  #304  
Old 01-11-2013, 06:47 PM
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I know, it should be simple ... Let's see if I am capable of that.
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  #305  
Old 01-12-2013, 02:21 AM
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Phy, it's just a cup of coffee!!!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
(Heh … you really got me thinking; thanks rory ^.^)

Ok, aside from the un-/likeliness of 'something' ever being there in her case … just thinking about the prospect of crushing on/developing feelings/falling in love in general: Yes, you are right, I am guarding myself right now.

The “Why?” is a bit complex. First of all, the last time this happened (Lin) was the most stressful period of my whole life. Call it bad conditioning, but I dread it happening again. I am not made for this level of emotional stress. It was exhausting and nothing I care to experience a second time. This may have been due to the circumstances of not knowing what to make of experiencing multiple loves and adjusting my set of moral ground-rules. It may be different for such a case happening again now, but still … it will be an uproar.

Second point is Lin. He wouldn't be happy with anyone who enters my life on this level. Maybe he would be able to cope but I doubt him ever being comfortable with it at all. Sward was part of my life and in a way, part of the person I was from the start in his opinion. This worked and isn't a problem for him. But a new one? Maybe if it was a woman. He seems to find it logical that there is a certain lack of a female partner in my life right now; because I am bi. (Totally not how I make sense of it, but whatever: his point of view.) A man is out of question for sure.

Third one: time. I tend to miss interactions with one of them already if my day is too packed and I am occupied. Would I ever be satisfied if another person entered the picture and another urge to spend time with him/her would further complicate my schedule? I highly doubt that I am made for any kind of 'secondary arrangement' from the way my feelings work. Maybe I am too invested in my relationships, maybe I should learn to conduct them differently … but do I really wish for this to change?

Finally: I am scared of change and therefore I am scared of loss. I am satisfied right now. I love how things are and I want to keep it at that. Maybe some alterations here and there. Slowly processing and discovering other aspects. But never to loose the core. I luckily managed and coped when the last big change came about. Sward stayed, Lin was willing to join, we experienced something like a collective self-(re)-discovery or whatever to call it. But as far as my opinion is concerned: That was a fluke. Not likely to happen again in this successful manner. Even more unlikely with another person in the mix.

What do I make of this … ? I guess, I just have to accept that it isn't a prospect I (or everyone in my surrounding) want or would be able to stomach. At least at this point in time. I don't know if this will change.

What to do with this interest, then? There are sparks right now. Just an interest. I don't want flames. Too much is at stake to get burned. Maybe I should start to practice stuffing my feelings away (if there were some I develop in this situation). I did a bad job in this regard, when I think back at the time with Lin. I wasn't able to keep them at bay. That's why even a friendship with her scares me. As soon as I like her as a friend, will I be able to keep that level? I am so doubtful here, because I hardly experienced crushes in my life. Going back till Elementary School … maybe 5? That's why the basis for a friendship is kind of strained right from the start. I am not a 'crushy' type, I am too serious when something like that appears.

Champion worrier at work, you might say. At least I feel a bit clearer about it right now. Just a small part of me is not satisfied with the limitation and restriction.

[And I know that this is a whole mountain made of a little pebble here. I don't even know if she is interested in women or would ever bother to think of me that way. Just checking everything that may be in there as always.]
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  #306  
Old 01-12-2013, 06:13 AM
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I know ... as I said, that's the Chimera standing behind this cup of coffee mentally I know that this may be pointless in this case, I was just reminded of what I DON'T want to happen in the future.
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  #307  
Old 01-12-2013, 10:07 AM
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Mya teased me about my commenting your teacher crush. It might be that I'm living vicariously through you, ever so slightly, since I am not close with my own hot lecturer so that I could go for a coffee with her...
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  #308  
Old 01-12-2013, 05:26 PM
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Maybe it would be better if our situations were reversed I will not able to act on it if there would ever be 'something'. She noticed me because of my comments and our discussions. Maybe you should start to speak up a bit more ^.^

We will see, it's still some time till the end of semester and I am at the family gathering of Lin's relatives this weekend. His father is turning 60 and there is a big event. We are in his tiny old room again and memories keep coming at me with every thing I see or smell. This night will be interesting, I know it Perfect for distraction from unwanted thoughts of any kind ^.^
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  #309  
Old 01-12-2013, 07:02 PM
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Hahah, maybe...

Not that I would want another relationship... Never say never, but I do feel that two is plenty and I am stretched in terms of time&energy as it is. But, umm, wouldn't mind maybe just a little flirting/talking/etc.
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  #310  
Old 01-24-2013, 07:46 AM
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Default Man plans, fate laughs ...

Having a 'not so good' time right now, actually. Some things changed and I am still thinking about a way to deal with that.

Sward has been to the urologist. Bad news His spermiogram says that there is too few sperm for us to get pregnant in a natural way. Probably. Similar to winning the lottery or something like that. Felt like a punch in the gut when he told me. I don't quite know how to handle that. It would be possible to have an IVF or ICSI or how all those methods are called. But that's expensive. Nothing I can afford till I work and when I work I want the first child to be there to have some time to concentrate on my work. Generally seen, all those hormones and 'buying' a child and going against nature and what not. I am really unsure about this.

I asked Lin to get tested as well. I don't want this to happen a second time when I think about him later on. If I need to deal with this, I want it over now, not the same topic again after some years. The chance that there is something preventing pregnancy in his case is even more likely because of all the meds he had to take during his life.

Maybe we are meant to stay childless. Should one press such a matter? I don't know.

Sward is dealing with it. At least if there is a major internal problem he doesn't show much of it. He was the one wanting a child mostly. As I am hurting like that right now, I guess he feels similarly. At least it doesn't sem to take the turn of “I am less a man because of this”. That's a relief. He is mourning the opportunity if we should decide against artificial insemination. For now we will wait for the second test and see if there is a different result. Unlikely but we will get an in depth analysiz then.

Lin has withdrawn himself from the discussion. He told me that we (Sward and I) should handle this the way we would have if he (Lin) wasn't in the picture. He leaves the decision to us, because he feels like this isn't something he should meddle with. But he himself asked if I want him to take the test as well, to have some facts to work with. Maybe it would be a possibility to 'switch' the order, try first with Lin (if he is capable) and have the artificial insemination later on when there is money and time again. Don't know if this would be a way to go; Lin and my relationship is still young. I am unsure. It would be a wish we already feel, we want children and as the cards are dealt like that … maybe.

Many 'if's und such right now. We will see.
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