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  #21  
Old 01-11-2013, 06:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Marathoner View Post
In the last week, have your efforts to be reassuring and loving worked?

What about efforts to give him more info? Have you told him when you were going out on a date, where you'd be, and when you'd be back? Does he like this info, or did it backfire?
Thank you Marathoner, He is going through a rough patch right now so I feel the need to hide sex with MM during the day.

We talked about therapy and how I didn't make this choice until I left no stone unturned. He agreed but really said nothing of substance so he is clamming up. He wanted to go snowboarding alone without his son, my stepson. He snapped at me and told me to butt out and not text Jr.
MM says he has another woman. I would love my relationship out in the open but I need to be here at night for him. I also told him that it was better this way and I would not want to force him to have unwanted sex. Sex = love for me so I am reprogramming self. Until I get him to stop snapping MM will be hidden. Never would my H want him in sight. He was upset, looked in the fridge and didn't want me cooking for MM/giving him leftovers. I thought, why did he bring that up. I won't wait another 3 years for sex. H will tend not ask me anything about MM anyway.

I didn't receive the usual flowers for our anniversary. I backed out of cooking our candle light anniversary dinner, then cooked it several days later

Thank you kindly and if you see me regressing please tell me.

Last edited by SweetSensations; 01-11-2013 at 07:19 AM.
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  #22  
Old 01-11-2013, 09:05 PM
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Well, you have some rough times to work through. I hope things get a little better; I hope H mellows out a little over time.
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  #23  
Old 01-11-2013, 11:12 PM
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I just need to mention that "intimacy" is not the same thing as "sex."

Is it "sex" that you need, or "intimacy?"

Every romantic relationship needs intimacy. That can take many forms: cuddling, eating cake together and smearing icing on his nose, interlocking arms while you walk from the car to the grocery store, holding hands while you watch tv, sitting down and talking about your feelings...

You can't meet your relationship's "intimacy needs" from a person outside your relationship. They must be met between you and your husband.

Now, all of that is 100% separate for your sexual needs. If you need sex and your husband does not, then that is something you can meet outside the relationship. Just make sure you're clear on the distinction.

I'm in a rather asexual stage right now, I go through them from time to time. If my husband came home and said "I need intimacy, I'm going to go have sex with someone else" then I would feel rejected. I believe that we have a very intimate relationship; I make a point of doing my part in being intimate. But if he came home and said "I'm really horny. Do you want to have sex? No? Do you mind if I go have sex with someone else?" then I would encourage him.
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  #24  
Old 01-12-2013, 05:17 AM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I just need to mention that "intimacy" is not the same thing as "sex."

Is it "sex" that you need, or "intimacy?"

Every romantic relationship needs intimacy. That can take many forms: cuddling, eating cake together and smearing icing on his nose, interlocking arms while you walk from the car to the grocery store, holding hands while you watch tv, sitting down and talking about your feelings...

.
At first I just lost sex but over the years I lost some intimacy. If it is anything that is done in the bedroom, sorry to say I have lost it. Hot tub, massage, touch, kissing, even fellatio, sex. I used to get naked and wait till he was asleep so I could snuggle. I purchased several fucking machines and accepted that this was my sex. It took 3 months to manufacture, before it even got here I knew it would not cut it. Then realized I needed the intimacy that came with it. I must engage all the senses in the bedroom.

A therapist said I had a neat little packaged life for H and said he had no reason to change cuz I asked for sex quarterly/less. She set out to "rock the boat" with assignments to do at home. My H dug his heels in and I lost a great deal of intimacy at that point. Hey, how do you know what will come of it unless you try everything. I have much to learn and I guess I came here and saw ppl rocking the boat but I need balance. Financially I am fine, no kids of my own. I could do a lot of boat rocking but I have to get my courage up again. I am not sure at what point my behaviour becomes abusive to my love.

Intimacy outside the bedroom is still mostly intact until recently.
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  #25  
Old 01-12-2013, 11:50 AM
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I am not sure at what point my behaviour becomes abusive to my love.
At what point does your husband's behavior become abusive to you...?

I think a lot of people would consider that it crossed that line a long time ago, though it doesn't sound like you feel that way. That's fine, but it seems so unbalanced - I think you need to either be as hard on him as you are on yourself, or, better yet - as easy on yourself as you are on him.

He's focused on his needs, not yours - so do what you need to do to be happy and feel good that you are finding a way to do it without breaking up your marriage.

You deserve sex and intimacy. You also deserve to feel good about yourself.
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  #26  
Old 01-12-2013, 09:02 PM
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At what point does your husband's behavior become abusive to you...?

I think a lot of people would consider that it crossed that line a long time ago, though it doesn't sound like you feel that way. That's fine, but it seems so unbalanced - I think you need to either be as hard on him as you are on yourself, or, better yet - as easy on yourself as you are on him.

He's focused on his needs, not yours - so do what you need to do to be happy and feel good that you are finding a way to do it without breaking up your marriage.

You deserve sex and intimacy. You also deserve to feel good about yourself.
Whaaat? How does him not being interested in sex or physical contact amount to abuse?? I don't know who these "a lot of people" are that you're referring to, as I don't know anyone who would see it that way. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you meant "neglect" and not "abuse."

For the record, forcing someone to engage in sexual activity when they do not want it is rape. Yes, women can rape men. No, having an erection does not qualify as consent.

The OP does not own her husband's penis. It is his penis and his decision when and how to use it. If he has chosen to stop using it in a way that she requires for a healthy marriage, it is completely her responsibility to leave that marriage and seek a relationship that meets her sexual needs. She does not have the right to pressure, guilt, or force him to have sex if he has stated that he does not want to. Period.

By the same token, he does not have the right to prevent her from using her vagina with any other penis as she sees fit. It's her vagina and she can put any WILLING penis in it that she wants.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 01-12-2013 at 09:04 PM.
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  #27  
Old 01-12-2013, 09:42 PM
dust dust is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Whaaat? How does him not being interested in sex or physical contact amount to abuse??
I was using abuse in the same context I quoted it - and my point was not to argue abuse, but to suggest that vastly different standards were being applied to behavior.

I thought my point was pretty clear that SweetSensations shouldn't feel abusive to her husband - my apologies if that didn't come through.
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  #28  
Old 01-13-2013, 04:16 AM
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Default emotional abuse

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Whaaat? How does him not being interested in sex or physical contact amount to abuse?? I don't know who these "a lot of people" are that you're referring to, as I don't know anyone who would see it that way. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you meant "neglect" and not "abuse."

For the record, forcing someone to engage in sexual activity when they do not want it is rape. Yes, women can rape men. No, having an erection does not qualify as consent.

The OP does not own her husband's penis. It is his penis and his decision when and how to use it. If he has chosen to stop using it in a way that she requires for a healthy marriage, it is completely her responsibility to leave that marriage and seek a relationship that meets her sexual needs. She does not have the right to pressure, guilt, or force him to have sex if he has stated that he does not want to. Period.

By the same token, he does not have the right to prevent her from using her vagina with any other penis as she sees fit. It's her vagina and she can put any WILLING penis in it that she wants.
Maybe you are not saying I have raped my H. But please clarify that I have not raped my H when you say those type of statements. I have gone to great lengths to wait about even asking for sex cuz after all who wants to be turned down. When we sleep I am usually touching him somehow. I also cup is balls and hook his penis with my thumb. I hve been doing this for years and years. He is used to it. He does get a morning woody and I hold it I don't even rub it. I do understand how a woody works in the AM. He never has asked me to stop so why should I.

What if he had told me babe, i'm really not into sex anymore, I don't want you suffering in silence. Please baby, you are a touchy feely type of woman what if I gave you a blessing to search for a sexual mate. I am scared and don't want to lose my BFF but then again, just reassure me and help me move through this. He is not used to me raising my voice at him in emotion and I am not used to him doing that. He feels out of control, so he is trying to control by not letting me make decisions that are mine to make. Going grocery shopping, picking out a movie at red box. I have never been able to make 50% of the decisions but how about 30% right now he is squashing me and it is emotionally abusive. I intern am fighting for my rights just for the simple things in life. Can we move through this...yes, will it take time yes. I too am guilty.

If a partner does not want sex that in itself is not abuse. I would venture to say that there is plenty of emotional abuse on this site. If my H does not want sex that is great but I do have to report that both of us are emotionally abusive when we engage in the raising of our voices coupled with some belittling. Sometimes I think oh brother this is so damn hard. He truly has very few acquaintances and I have to do my best. I just can't leave him like the others and then parade lovers in front of him on his jogging trail and say ...see this guy.

Everyone can be emotionally abusive at times it just depends on the duration of time that passes between each time it happens. What gives me hope is he will clean it up after he has been really mean. He snapped at me in front of strangers, that just does not happen in fact I am not sure that has ever happened in front of strangers.

Last edited by SweetSensations; 01-13-2013 at 04:31 AM.
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  #29  
Old 01-13-2013, 06:49 PM
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Silence is not consent.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetSensations View Post
Maybe you are not saying I have raped my H. But please clarify that I have not raped my H when you say those type of statements.
Well, I honestly cannot say whether you raped your husband or not. I was not there. So I cannot say "you didn't rape your husband." Maybe you did.

Quote:
I also cup is balls and hook his penis with my thumb. I hve been doing this for years and years. He is used to it.
"I have been doing this for years; he is used to it" is not consent now; he has told you he is not interested in sex. Until he explicitly says he is interested in sex or that he likes it when you touch his penis, then there is no consent. Not saying "no" is not saying "yes" either.

Quote:
He does get a morning woody and I hold it I don't even rub it.
"I put my penis in her but I didn't thrust back and forth." Really? Friction is the difference between rape and consensual sex??

Quote:
He never has asked me to stop so why should I.
Because he didn't ask you to start. By modern definitions, any sexual act without explicit consent (e.g. "I like it when you cup my balls and penis. Can you do that tonight?") is considered sexual assault. The fact that your husband doesn't object does not constitute consent.

You've told us that your husband is not sexual and does not want to be sexual. I can't speak to why he has not asked you to stop. Perhaps he is afraid of upsetting you. But have you asked him if it's ok for you to do that? If he's told you that he's not interested in sex, and then you touch his penis (whether you rub it or not) when he has not asked you to touch his penis, then girl, that's an unwanted sexual act. So no, I will not tell you that you have not raped him.

It makes me sad that I have to explain all of this. Do you think it's somehow different than if he were a 16 year old girl and you were her 19 year old boyfriend? Your husband's right to not be sexual is no less valid than a 16 year old girl's.

What's done is done and if your husband hasn't felt assaulted, then that's a good thing. But going forwards, you owe it to your husband's right to sexual autonomy to sit down with him and make sure you have his consent to continue those acts. If he exhibits any hesitance or says something loosey goosey like "yeah, I guess" then you have a moral obligation to stop.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 01-13-2013 at 07:05 PM.
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  #30  
Old 01-13-2013, 09:46 PM
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I am guessing nothing was done intentionally wrong, but I see the merit in having a sit-down with H to make sure he's really okay with things.

I actually was worrying about the verbal-abuse aspect of the situation, as it has sounded like H has had a short fuse at times. But maybe he has been stressed out due to the other factors. The only way to find out is to ask (and hopefully he's willing to answer).
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