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  #41  
Old 07-25-2012, 04:37 AM
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Well. July is not quite magickally better. I am in complete and total burn-out. I am drowning in my work. And today, either my computer is fail at work, or my eyes are fail. I don't think it's my eyes, because they seem to work just fine at home. :P

I still haven't been in a room with both of them. CBF arranged his life so he wouldn't show up. I was queasy all day Friday (and had a headache like an alien trying to birth itself out of my spine and into my skull), but fine on Saturday. Rearranged furniture, cleaned house, it was great. Woke up at 4:30am Sunday morning, thought I might die. I lost five pounds in ten hours. (found out Monday, my ex-boss lost 8, but he was barfing)

I called FBF and told him he wasn't obligated to come, as I might be really bad company. We had a little discussion and he said 'what do YOU want?' 'I want to see your fuzzy face!' So, he drove up here, 2.5-3 hour drive, in triple digit heat with no air conditioning. [did I mention I adore him?] and I asked him to bring me gatorade and a banana. He brought powerade (which turns out, I like just as much) and three bananas.

I managed to get myself bathed, sort of dressed, and the house finished, before he arrived. We went out for chinese food (well, yah, he did). I thought I could have a bit of steamed rice. Put won ton soup broth on the rice ~ so very tasty.

We had a freak thunderstorm at 3am ish. We have a hard time sleeping together. He's unaccustomed to another in the bed and irritates easily (not like gets pissed off at me, just doesn't stay asleep). He also likes to wrap himself around me and then to have both of us not move for 8 hours. My body can't do that. I move a lot in my sleep. So, it's a challenge.

5:30am, knock on my door. Unbelievable. It was the police. Looking for CBF. 'He doesn't live here anymore.' I vaguely said where he was (I honestly didn't know his apartment number. I was telling the man how to get there and he interrupted me to ask if I knew the number. I said no, and quit volunteering info). I asked if he was in trouble, and he mentioned what the complaint was. I really don't think he did it; but it's not out of the realm of possibility. He could have been in a blackout. Worst part? He then asks me if I'm his mother. I said, 'no, I'm his girlfriend.' [technically, I could be his mother. sometimes I have more issue with it than others]

Then I got to go back to bed and tell FBF the story. Which was just so weird. And normal. At the same time. Then we couldn't go back to sleep and pondered what on earth we would do.
LOVELY. And then we finally got a few more hours of pretty good sleep.

The fair was fun, even if I couldn't enjoy all the crappy food I wanted to. I almost, but resisted, bought a stupid large expensive thing. (many years ago, CBF and I bought our first bed together at the fair ~ never again. Was a good bed, still have it, but the experience was distasteful all around)

CBF has other troubles in his life, but I do think he's a little freaked out at three of us together. Otherwise, he would not have blown us off. He's not coughing up whatever he needs to, and I'm too tired to even try to drag it out of him.

Again, I remind myself: They move glacially, and a bit more river-like.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #42  
Old 10-24-2012, 07:03 AM
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aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaRGH.

I just wrote a long and beautiful tequila inspired post, about my lovely birthday. And tequila ate it. eeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrg.
I'm so disgusted.

Trust me, it was beautiful. and now I must sleep so I cannot re-write it. :P

tl;dr version:

my birthday was beautiful.
Amanda Fucking Palmer, should you ever get the chance,, take it. She's fab.

I got to go to Cancun. with my family. But got tremendous aftercare with FBF.

I am spoilt and loved.

My job more than sucks. Because I didn't have enough chaos in my life, I'm moving. Moving sucks.

me and tequila are going to sleep now.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #43  
Old 10-26-2012, 01:58 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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I think this was a beautiful post!
and it made me giggle, because I just reread an email I wrote late last night when quite.... tipsy and it reads a lot like your post... There's an undeniable style to drunken writing, I can almost feel how you tried SO hard to get the spelling and punctuation right, and then there are those damn two little comma's

belated Happy Birthday!
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  #44  
Old 12-13-2012, 07:27 AM
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I can hardly believe it's been a year since FBF let me know . . . umm, that he was interested. Still. Anew.

He called me 'my love' on the phone the other night. *swoon*

I told him I love him the weekend before (before three days ago). My timing was completely sucky. I've been thinking on it for a month; and at the time, I just lost control and out it came. He didn't seem averse to hearing it. And he has a terribly romantic plan for us on Christmas.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #45  
Old 12-15-2012, 03:29 AM
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I am 52 years old. I have been watching Rudolph since it first aired in 1964. I still get all verklempt when Clarice sings 'There's Always Tomorrow.'

In-dee-PEN-dent

"I'm cuuuuuuuude! She said I'm cuuuuuuuuuuude!!!"

Bumbles bounce.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #46  
Old 12-16-2012, 07:41 AM
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Oh excellent. Because it wasn't going to be weird enough for three of us to be together....we couldn't manage it in August, we couldn't manage it for my birthday, now we're scheduled for christmas. With family. Yah, that won't be weird.

It may not be, I don't know. I've already laid it all out in my head, so I can check that possibility off the list. It never goes the way I think it might.

I think I said in my other thread, CBF's family has been doing this huge full-catastrophe two-family thing on xmas eve for most of his life. It's a wonderful wonderful thing and I love it. It got canceled this year, so now it's down to just three of us. But CBF was bugged at the thought of FBF spending xmas eve alone at home (even though that's what he usually does, and he pretty much likes it just fine).

So, his mom called tonight to talk to me about the xmas eve dinner. I let CBF know she'd be calling him. Then he decides FBF needs to come to dinner. I said you go ask him. So he did. Very persuasively apparently.

Then I talked to FBF about logistics. I suggested he take the train (which he loves) and then we could still go to SF on xmas day, and I could drive, and get him home in time for him to work.

I'm going to insist I drive, and we go home after dinner ~ shouldn't be too hard, as CBF has to be at work early on xmas day. I'm not dealing with sleeping arrangements at mom's. Means I have to be the designated driver though.

I'm completely excited, and also completely freaked out.

and breathing, I promise. I'm breathing.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #47  
Old 12-27-2012, 04:54 AM
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I am the luckiest girl in the whole entire world.

So, I went to work Christmas Eve. FBF decided against the train, and that he wanted to drive his car up. CBF calls me at 3:45ish, to tell me they're at a local watering hole, having a beer. We have a small logistics discussion and I hang up and completely lose my nut. I was so freaked out! I start dialing my friends and trying to figure whom I can ask for support without interrupting their Christmas Eve overmuch. I called three people (two of them were my parents), before reaching a friend who could help. So, I get home, and try to get changed, and I'm still fairly freaked, and of course they arrive early. Both of them, absolutely breathtaking in their suits. FBF in a red shirt. I end up in a red skirt with a sparkly black top (which caused CBF's mom to ask how much more weight I'd lost and to tell me how fabulous I looked!).

CBF ends up in his own car, and I drive me and FBF to mom's. Where everything turns out to be easy and wonderful and completely super. CBF kissed me goodbye while we were standing behind FBF (seated on the couch). I was able to 'cuddle' FBF in passing touches. We all fed each other hors d'oeuvres (caviar, people, we had three kinds of caviar and champagne). There was another person there, a friend of mom's, and that was just fine too.

FBF was tickled that mom had gotten him presents (we all had a stocking to empty), we had gotten him a darth vader stocking. He really liked the present I got him.

I felt so fortunate, and loved, and spoilt, and lucky, and I did worry that my head would explode, but from happiness, not fear.

FBF and I took both our cars, and I wasn't crazy about that, but could see that it was a good break for him to have alone time. Originally, I was all, 'just take me and I'll go home on the bus.' but ended up seeing that wouldn't be terrific for me.

We were driving over the bridge into SF, there was a big beautiful wreath over the tunnel, I was listening to 'I Believe In Father Christmas' and it was such a moment! I got all choked up. It felt like the first time I'd heard the words (it wasn't, part of that is getting old, part of that it's just not played all that often).

I'm so blessed that I'm not so angry anymore. I'm not attached. The season doesn't have to be perfect. I have beautiful moments, and I string them together and that's my happy Christmas. It's not about did I get everyone the perfect gift. It's not about did all the traditions get followed. It's about the ability to actually be in the present moment, and enjoy it.

We walked in the soggy soggy raining night, all over North Beach. The city was still beautiful, even in the rain. We found a lovely Irish pub to warm our cockles. They had just had their last seating, and they told us they were sold out of EVERYthing. So we ended up having chinese food. As is the proper tradition for diners out on Christmas.

Poor FBF, he got quite ill in the middle of the night, woke up coughing out of a fairly sound sleep, then developed a fever. I was so grateful I could be there to care for him, even though I couldn't do a damn thing. I kept telling him he didn't NEED the heater on, he wasn't cold, he had a fever. I was working out the logistics in my head of how I was going to acquire someone else to get his car home; and how I might get up at 4am in San Francisco to find him some tylenol (I couldn't believe I had nothing with me). The fever did finally break, and he was fine by the time the sun came up. Not inclined to eat, but fine.

It reminded me of him caring for me when I was sick when we were in Las Vegas. I kept apologizing. He didn't apologize once. Which was fine, no reason to apologize for something completely beyond your control. It's something for me to chew on, and maybe I can quit apologizing too. (like how I worked the self loving into this post? my blog does have a theme, as far as I do tend to stray from it)
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #48  
Old 01-11-2013, 06:19 AM
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Well. All that enthusiasm. *sigh*

I broke up with CBF on New Year's Day. He spent all day NYE sexting some girl from an online game he's in. I said something snotty (I hoped it was snotty) and he's like 'oh yah, that's Gertrude' (obv not her real name) as if that was supposed to make it okay.

Oh but wait, NR, aren't you poly? Yes, I am poly. He is not. At least not that he ever bothered to mention to me. The agreement was tell me.

When I said 'I can't be your gf anymore' he said, 'okay.' That's it. Okay. Yeup, I can see this relationship was really important to you. URG. blech. vent.

I started my 40 day no-contact on Tuesday. I had a therapist long ago recommend to me to take 40 days without contact at the end of a relationship. It very much protects me from my own break-up insanity. Prevents long angry letters from being delivered (though I still write them). Prevents moon-y 'I-miss-you' letters or drunk dials. Everyone I've done a no-contact with, I'm still friends with. When I asked CBF to move out, I didn't do that, and I very much wish I had. Although, if had, I don't know that I would have found my way back to FBF.

on to better things.

I was a little worried FBF wouldn't be on board with being last-boyfriend-standing. I think he's fine with it. He worries about me, because he 'can't give me what I need.'
I worry about me. I think if I can remember (and being here on this forum is a HUGE help to me in this) that he gives what he can, and the common view of 'boyfriend' is not what he is, I'll be fine. I love him, I love that he gives what he can, and I love what he gives. I just need to remember that I need much more, and to continue to nurture myself in other ways.

I went to my local poly meetup, and he asked if they were going to throw me out. I asked why, and he said 'you know, only one boyfriend?' And I laughed, and noted to myself that he considers himself mah boyfriend.

We acted like kids trying to hang up from our phone conversation tonight, laughing, and he said 'bye, dear' *swoon*
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #49  
Old 01-11-2013, 06:25 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
When I said 'I can't be your gf anymore' he said, 'okay.' That's it. Okay. Yeup, I can see this relationship was really important to you. URG. blech. vent.
Ugh, oh my! Blech is right. Sorry you had to end it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
on to better things.
That's right!
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #50  
Old 01-11-2013, 06:44 AM
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Thanks, nycindie. I'm so sorry for your loss today. That's a long time to have a furry companion.

I tell people at work (since he was the nominal bf): Do I look I thinner? ....I've lost about 350 pounds of unsightly useless boyfriend.

__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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