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  #91  
Old 01-10-2013, 10:36 AM
Numina Numina is offline
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Default Working through it.

Talked a bit more with Airyn yesterday.
I asked him before leaving for work if he and I were still going to have our room to ourselves when I get home. He didn't remember that part of our conversation on Monday. Very Disappointing. Talked to him via Gmail Chat at work, and he said he'd just move and we could have the Living room futon. Said it's his fault for not remembering or talking to Chipmunk about it before hand. I was angry with him over his forgetting these things, and told him that it's as if the things we talk about are easily forgotten and not important to him. He responded that "It's not like that" then went to sleep for the night.

So Wednesday day he wakes up just after noon since he was up really late. We make coffee, and talk about what he and I are going to do for the day. It is too wet and rainy out to go for the walk we had originally talked about, so we decide to go do some of the household shopping, with a fun stop at Michael's for knitting and jewelry making supplies/ideas, and end the trip at our favorite books store/coffee shop. We were out about 3 hours, talked about a lot of random non relationship things. Music, web articles, Siri, and other non critical, or stressful topics. It was a nice outing, and included a good bit of kissing on the aisles of the book store.

Back at the house, Airyn and I head out to pick our kid up from school. Airyn asks me what my question were surrounding the 13th. So I asked what he was expecting, and how he might handle the different possibilities. I also asked how hard of a time limit it is, is it something they may move back a week or two if a decision isn't made. Some options he knows exactly how it will go, and others he's less sure on. He feels she will chose to stay with him, and was pretty sure that a decision would be made on time.

Airyn takes Chipmunk to work, and comes home and sits with me so we can chat some more. I had asked him to lay down and snuggle with me when he got back. We looked over his schedule for how he's splitting his time, and made a few adjustments. He's more aware of how little time he and I have had for ourselves, and is coming up with idea to increase our over all time together. This doesn't reduce the time he is able to spend with Chipmunk, it reduce the amount of time we all spend together as a group. Airyn tells me that Chipmunk has been a bit weird about her relationship with him. That that is part of why they have a date set. He tells me that a while back ago he told her that the "NEW" had worn off, and she agreed. They talked about how that might change their relationship, and how they react to each there. These conversation are where Chipmunk's interest in see other guys came up.

He and I talked about what might happen. I asked him what would happen if she chose to be free to see other people. He says that their relationship would end. I told him that I know this, I was meaning as far as our place is concerned. That from Chipmunk's point of view is she expecting to get booted out if things end, or does she realize that she'd be permanently moved to the living room. I told him that this option would be very awkward. He says it could be less awkward. I said not for Chipmunk. See him every day and seeing his relationship continue with me, and her not having a relationship like that any longer. That would be very awkward for her should she choose to end their relationship. I told him that she may choose to stay till she can get a place of her own, and then decide to end thing. He says that he doesn't feel they are together just out of her convenience. I told him I now that, but if she is really thinking about this whole thing that maybe one concern she has.

We moved back to talking about his schedule and working out things between us. He says he really wants to get back to where we were, and that increasing the time he and I have together is helping. That he can see improvements. I told him that some days I feel that things are moving in the right direction, and then something will come up and I'll feel that very little has changed. Airyn says, "I know you are very wishy washy right now." So I talk to him more about what I miss in our relationship, and tell him he may not like to hear it, but I'd be fine with a NSBF. Well that kinda derailed the conversation, but not in a bad way or even in arguing. i told him I had been thinking about it, and what I'd want if I were to pursue something like that. I told him that I don't see it as something that would or could last long for me. That I'd prefer a married man with a healthy active sex life at home so that he'd not be looking to me to fill this need/want. Airyn points out that there is always a desire for the new, to which I agree. I tell him it's still a pleasant thought. Then I tell him that what I miss with him I could get with a NSBF, but that it wouldn't be a good thing in the end.

I elaborate, and tell him that he used to touch me more often, during the day around the house. That I miss feeling his hands on my skin, grabbing my ass, feeling my hips, waist, and legs, and "stuff" (This had us both grinning at each other). That this used to get us both riled up and turned on, and then he'd press his erection into my ass, or my crotch, and get me even more turned on. I told him this is what I miss, and that this hasn't happen since Chipmunk moved in. Between missing these things with him, and seeing how he interacts with Chipmunk it just makes me sad. This is where He (again) tells me that he wants to get back to where we were. He also commented that he see things headed the right way, and that us getting better will be a test for Chipmunk. That Chipmunk will have to decide to either deal or go as he and I get back to how things should be. I told him now he has some specifics to what I'm talking about when I say I miss him, or that I'm not talking about just sex. He say he knows what I meant. I told him that some days are better then others, and that recently he's been closer to me.

Later that evening he wakes me up not exactly like he used to, but more passionate, and tender then a few months or even a couple weeks ago. He knows what buttons to push, and took some time to actually explore me again. We snuggled, and talked a little afterwards. Silly things, like asking if I'd had a nice nap, and then bundling me up in the blankets and telling me to get some sleep. It was really sweat, and more tender towards each other then things have been for some time.

Today, Thursday he'll be sending the majority of the day with Chipmunk. Feeling like he and I have made progress it makes me sad to think I won't get to see much of him today. We have plans to curl up and watch a movie together Friday morning before taking Chipmunk to work. No plans for what we'll do specifically after she goes to work. Either way it's something fun to look forward too.
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Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #92  
Old 01-10-2013, 03:44 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Wait, Airyn gets you and her, and she only gets him? That's the deal on the table? If she wants what he has, another opposite sex partner, he'll break up with her? I know you didn't ask for input on this, so I'm not sure if I should be commenting, but... freakin' yikes, whatta double standard and an unfair deal that seems to me, especially since it turns out she's *not* bi, so another female partner isn't an option for her. How can he justify having, for himself, twice what she's allowed, and why would she accept that?

Of course, it also relates to the OPP that you and Airyn have. Not just OPP, of course, but one-male-period-policy, including the no-go on the prospect of a NSBF. Again, its your blog and you didn't ask for input on this so it's in no way a discussion we need to have, but I find myself very curious, do you know why he feels this way? Does it bug you? And, you always mention meeting bisexuals (yay bisexuals! I'm one myself, of course )... are you also interested in meeting lesbians, or do you feel they wouldn't be a good match for you as friends or lovers?

Again, feel free to ignore all this.
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  #93  
Old 01-10-2013, 07:48 PM
Numina Numina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Wait, Airyn gets you and her, and she only gets him? That's the deal on the table? If she wants what he has, another opposite sex partner, he'll break up with her? I know you didn't ask for input on this, so I'm not sure if I should be commenting, but... freakin' yikes, whatta double standard and an unfair deal that seems to me, especially since it turns out she's *not* bi, so another female partner isn't an option for her. How can he justify having, for himself, twice what she's allowed, and why would she accept that?

Of course, it also relates to the OPP that you and Airyn have. Not just OPP, of course, but one-male-period-policy, including the no-go on the prospect of a NSBF. Again, its your blog and you didn't ask for input on this so it's in no way a discussion we need to have, but I find myself very curious, do you know why he feels this way? Does it bug you? And, you always mention meeting bisexuals (yay bisexuals! I'm one myself, of course )... are you also interested in meeting lesbians, or do you feel they wouldn't be a good match for you as friends or lovers?

Again, feel free to ignore all this.
Annabel it's more complex then I made it out to be. Sure Airyn has a OPP, however Chipmunk is Mono, and if she decides to date other people she will be breaking up with Airyn no matter if he has changed his mind or not. Originally Chipmunk did have the option to date other people male or female. By mid september she told Airyn that she wouldn't date anyone else, saying that she would not let any other man come between the two of them. To that Airyn also agreed not to date anyone else either aside from she and I. So now Airyn is giving her to option to change her mind. She knows he's against the idea of her having a second boyfriend, and he knows that if she decides she wants to date someone else she will break up with him first. Or she will feel she has cheated, and break up with him afterwards. His feelings here don't actually matter in the end. With her truly being mono she may be polyfriendly, but she would not chose to have more then one love herself.

I didn't actually ask about having a NSBF I only talked with him about my imaginings. He expressed his doubts as to that type of relationship actually staying non sexual. I told him it is something that i have been thinking about, and that the idea is nice, but didn't actually ask if he'd be ok with that.

Does Airyn's OPP bother me? Sometimes yes, and sometime no. For one thing it is a double standard, and that part I don't like. I don't like that he is essentially asking me to be OK with exactly what he says he could never be ok with himself. I do know why he feels that way. At least in part, and I know that everything he has said to me about me having a boyfriend I can say right back to him. Well except for his insistance that he suggested this situation so that i could experience the other half of myself for real. Him being hetero he has no interest in men himself so that I can't say that in his direction. Since I have a fellow, and want a women this police really only bothers me on the level that it's an unfair double standard. However if I were to push him I think over time he'd be ok with it. But that's not what I am looking for. Airyn is an amazing lover (when things are working between us). It would be difficult for me to let that go and not compare (perhaps unfairly) someone new to someone who knows how to play my strings and has been doing so for 20 years.

As for lesbians it is possible that I could find someone who only likes women and hit it off great. What I am looking for however are people who understand both parts of me and not just on an academic level like Airyn does. I want to meet more people who feel pulled by either sex. Lesbians are only pulled by women, and are not as likely to understand my interest in men (beyond the academic) since they aren't wired that way.

Annabel I don't mind people asking me question in this blog. If nothing else it makes me think, and suggests where I have been unclear for one reason or another. If I should feel that someone has crossed a line I don't like I'll PM them about it for clarification first. I'm not that easily offended especially by people I have never meet.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #94  
Old 01-10-2013, 08:32 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Cool, that all makes a lot of sense.

And, ha, yeah, I was probably more cautious than warranted when I wrote that. I've seen people be very aggressive in condemning OPPs (I'm not a fan, but I get why they wouldn't cause a problem in a situation like yours) and, conversely, be very defensive about them.
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  #95  
Old 01-10-2013, 09:34 PM
Numina Numina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Cool, that all makes a lot of sense.

And, ha, yeah, I was probably more cautious than warranted when I wrote that. I've seen people be very aggressive in condemning OPPs (I'm not a fan, but I get why they wouldn't cause a problem in a situation like yours) and, conversely, be very defensive about them.
Yes I've notice a very negative view of OPP's. However if both partners are ok with it for their own reasons then it is what it is. Starting with an OPP doesn't mean that it is a permanent part of of a polyship. I tend not to refer to it much on here, because for me it is mostly a non issue, and not something I'm looking to renegotiate.

As a general rule the only opposition I have to Airyn's OPP is the double standardness of it, and that it points to insecurity on his part. I have tried to explain that for me it makes no difference male or female the emotions, the NRE will be the same. He has not changed how he feels and I haven't pushed him about it. Mostly right now I'm just talking with him about what I want, and how he might feel in the moment as different possibilities present themselves. Of course he and I are just now getting to a comfort level where I can do that with him again. there were several months there that these types of discussions would have gone very very poorly.

If nothing else I will not be jumping into anything new quickly or with specific expectations of what the end relationship should look like.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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  #96  
Old 01-10-2013, 09:41 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"If nothing else I will not be jumping into anything new quickly or with specific expectations of what the end relationship should look like."

Hear hear.
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  #97  
Old 01-11-2013, 12:00 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Numina View Post
He says that he doesn't feel they are together just out of her convenience. I told him I now that . . .
I am amazed that the two of you feel that way. Wasn't having a place to stay part of the whole deal of getting involved with him (and you, at the time)? From everything I've read in this thread, it seems pretty much like she would've left the relationship, instead of pouting as much as she did, if she had any place to go. But she didn't, so she stayed.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-11-2013 at 06:03 AM.
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  #98  
Old 01-11-2013, 05:13 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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For the record, I totally understand not challenging/being unduly upset by the OPP at this point, even if questioning it "in theory". I was there for 19 years...until Dude came along (unsought and unanticipated - I really don't like most guys). My focus was on the ladies (bi- and hetero-potentially-flexible-). I'm so interested in your story, as it there are several similarities to parts of mine...

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #99  
Old 01-14-2013, 04:35 AM
cosmicsunshine cosmicsunshine is offline
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Been thinking about you guys all day. Today was D-day right? Hope everything is well!
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  #100  
Old 02-03-2013, 07:12 AM
Numina Numina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Default Thanks everyone

Wow thanks for all the support everyone.

I view this forum more as a journal then a "blog", and I have been writing, but haven't posted anything in a while.

The past several weeks have been interesting for me, with some new developments.

lol, stay tuned as i get everything copied over here.

Numina.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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