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  #1  
Old 12-13-2012, 01:01 PM
Luretta Luretta is offline
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Default Hi from Tasmania

I've been lurking around for a few months now, but have decided to finally post an intro.

I am currently in a live-in committed relationship with a bi-sexual man, D. I am a straight female. We have been together for about 14 years. During that time we played around a bit with swinging in clubs and with the occasional friend. This year, after a bit of a break, we decided to find some casual male swinging partners. That went well for a good six months and then one day someone walked into our lives and changed it forever.

We both felt an immediate attraction to him, I'll call him S, a bi-curious male. After spending an evening in his company, I had it bad. It was also pretty obvious to D that S was different for me than our other casual partners. To me, S felt like a friend that I had always known, someone that in a different time and a different place I could really go for. He has lots of similarities to my partner and it was like having two of them to love me.

Since that first time nearly three months ago, we have had only 4 visits with him (difficult to find mutually suitable times), and 3 of those have involved MFM sex. I have also had a lot of Facebook contact with S. I have lost interest in meeting other swingers. I have basically lost interest in swinging and I have instead started looking into polyamorous relationships because I found the sex with two guys that I have an emotional connection with was mind-blowing! I would never have thought it possible until it happened.

Luckily D is a wonderful man, and though he struggled with how I felt about S for awhile, we had several massive chats about it and he is ok with it now. He felt insecure and worried that I might want to leave him for S. I don't, we have put a lot of time and work into making our relationship what it is now and I'm not going to throw that away on a guy who is only recently separated from wife no. 2, and has two young children to care for every second weekend. My own children are older teenagers on the verge of leaving home and I honestly couldn't see myself taking on any sort of responsibilities for young children again.

S has said that he is interested in us as a couple and D and I agree that we should keep sexual encounters with him as threesomes which we all enjoy anyway.

So basically I'm here trying to see if I can have my cake and eat it too. After reading lots of information, I guess the sort of thing I am interested in would be keeping D as my primary and also having S as a secondary. From my reading I would probably consider it to be a V situation with me as the hinge although it may touch on being triad. (All these news terms I'm trying to come to grips with) Although I wouldn't discount having S live with us later on, I think it would work better if we had separate homes for now. D is happy with this, however

I have yet to broach the subject with S and this is where I'm at now. I don't know how to. I'm probably also a little scared that he won't be at all interested, so instead of possibly scaring him off, maybe I should just keep quiet, and make the most of what I have for now. Later on, after he has moved on, I can have some wonderful memories and fantasies of what could have been.

So that's me and where I'm at. Living in the present at the moment (as a friend is always saying to do) and wondering how to manipulate the future to my ideal
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  #2  
Old 12-21-2012, 01:17 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Hey Taggie,
Welcome to our forum.

Re:
Quote:
"Later on, after he has moved on, I can have some wonderful memories and fantasies of what could have been."
Gee; that actually doesn't sound like such a happy ending ... wouldn't you always be haunted wondering what could have been?

Sometimes I think it's better to take a risk, as true love is always a risk. As they say, better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all? I think I would approach S, even at the risk of a heartbreak. Perhaps you could approach him with it in small bites? Such as, starting to describe the depth of your feelings for him, while not doing so all at once?

Of course, you do want to be somewhat straight upfront with him as that is more respectful, trusting, and well, honest. You haven't known S for a long time so maybe your trust levels are more shaky than they seem to be? NRE (New Relationship Energy) can really put rose-colored lenses on things.

I don't suppose it's an urgent matter, so you can take some time to reflect, and decide what you do or don't want to risk telling S. But that's my first thought on the matter, is to err in the direction of telling him (if err you must). You should receive my counsel with a grain of salt, as I am a hopeless romantic.

It seems to me like you have your terminology learned well so far ... I hope you can get the things you envision and desire.

Let us know if we can be of any help!
With regards,
Kevin T.
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  #3  
Old 12-21-2012, 03:34 AM
Luretta Luretta is offline
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Ooops, sorry I have posted my intro twice and now can't delete the other one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Gee; that actually doesn't sound like such a happy ending ... wouldn't you always be haunted wondering what could have been?
Yes I would. Which is one of the reasons why I'm visiting here to try and work out how best to bring up the subject

I am definately concerned about the rose-coloured glasses as I have only met him 5 times now even though that has probably been about 17 hours in his company (not counting much). I've never been very good at picking up boyfriends, I've mostly just scared them off, I think by being too keen maybe, and I guess I'm worried about doing this again in this situation.

There isn't any really any urgency at the moment, and part of me says "just let it continue like it is and see where fate takes us" the other part wants to have a deeper relationship.

When we met a few days ago, he didn't seem to be quite himself. At his initiation (normally it comes from me) we arranged to meet before Christmas and had a great evening. But ... he drank quite a bit while we were there and was also talking about a woman who is after him. He is not interested but feels sorry for her. D said he should just sleep with her anyway, and not worry about it if she falls in love with him because that is her problem, but I disagree with this. I think it will become a problem for S if he encourages her at all and it could probably be avoided if he didn't lead her on in this way. Unfortunately, I didn't really get the chance to tell him my point of view and I feel I now need to wait til the moment is right to broach it with him again.

She was texting him while we were with him. He said it was his daughter but I glanced at his phone at one stage and it definately wasn't his daughter all the time (it was sometimes). That sort of tickled my sick sense of humour in a way because while she was trying to hit on him we were all having a good time and making it really difficult for him to reply

I'm also still trying to come to terms with the fact that S may not be exclusive to us ... and struggling a bit with this. Even though we have not been exclusive to him and met him through a swinging site! Double standards I know. I'm not even sure I would want to be exclusive anymore. I think monogamy if you can call it that with two men, is no longer for me.

He has a lot going on in his life at the moment and I'm trying to be really careful about not hassling him too much. I would like to have more contact even if it is just via facebook or text messages, but am holding back a bit because I don't want to scare him off by being annoying or needy. At the moment I find I start getting anxious if I haven't had any contact with him in a couple of days and have to initiate some, just a status like on facebook is often enough

So ... that's where we are at the moment. He is away for nearly two weeks now, so we won't get to see him until sometime in the new year. We have been talking about a weekend away together which may be an ideal time to bring the subject up ... the hardest part is going to be finding a whole weekend that we all have free

I'm finding that just writing this all down and having people take a bit of interest is of help, so thank you
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Old 12-21-2012, 04:09 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Re:
Quote:
"Ooops, sorry I have posted my intro twice and now can't delete the other one."
No worries; accidents happen, and I imagine the moderators can delete the extra post if it's a problem.

Re:
Quote:
"I've never been very good at picking up boyfriends, I've mostly just scared them off, I think by being too keen maybe, and I guess I'm worried about doing this again in this situation."
Heh, I can relate; I've been known to scare off the ladies by being too keen. Back in the good old days ...

I wonder if you could approach it as, asking S where he would like to see the relationship go. Presenting it to him as a question in that way. Of course, I know that's still taking a gamble.

Re:
Quote:
"D said he should just sleep with her anyway, and not worry about it if she falls in love with him because that is her problem, but I disagree with this. I think it will become a problem for S if he encourages her at all and it could probably be avoided if he didn't lead her on in this way."
Yeah, I can understand your concerns. This woman who's after him, is she open to polyamory/non-monogamy? On the other hand, if S isn't interested in her, he should really be honest with her about that.

Re:
Quote:
"I'm also still trying to come to terms with the fact that S may not be exclusive to us ... and struggling a bit with this. Even though we have not been exclusive to him and met him through a swinging site! Double standards I know."
Emotions are not always rational, and it's what you do about them that counts. Push your comfort zone gently, and don't try to rush it. It's not about how it looks to anyone else, it's about what works for you, D, and S. And I do have high hopes for the three of you to have a life together, whatever the details may look like.

Re:
Quote:
"I'm finding that just writing this all down and having people take a bit of interest is of help, so thank you."
You're very welcome.
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  #5  
Old 01-08-2013, 08:48 PM
Luretta Luretta is offline
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Default

So I just thought I might put up an update on what is happening now.

I think S is distancing me/us.

On NYE he texted a greeting and made an excuse for not coming to our party. Even though I sent him an invitation, I really didn't expect him to come so this was no big deal. On New Years Day, he suddenly stopped communicating via facebook. He always used to "like" stuff we put up or make little comments. Over the past 9 days there has been nothing on fb. Not one little like of our stuff even though he has been on and posted stuff etc.

I sent him a text message a couple of days after NYE and he replied over 24 hours later saying his phone was flat but he seemed ok. Then a bit later I saw him online on fb and just sent a general enquiry as to how he was. Again he did not reply until over 24hrs later even though he was still online.

Obviously I am feeling a bit hurt by this. I don't know what has happened. What I do know is that he had his sister and family staying from New Years Day. Four extra people in a small one bedroom apartment. I also know he has been busy preparing for a trip he is taking with a youth group he is involved with. I also know he is no longer a facebook friend with the woman who was after him (one positive I guess). I know he has been very stressed.

I haven't wanted to add to this stress so while I feel I deserve an explanation as to the distancing (imagined or not) I don't want to ask him about this at the moment. The last communication I had with him was the day before he left on his trip. I wished him a good time and said I when he gets back to let me know if he wants to catch up for coffee or something. His reply was that he "would be back in two weeks. Have fun."

So basically I guess I just need to sit back, wait and see what happens when he gets back in 2 weeks. It's going to be a long 2 weeks I think In the meantime, D has decided that I need to get out and about and meet some other people (men) so I'll go along with this I guess even though none of the potentials appeal very much. I never used to be picky, but after meeting S, no one (apart from D) even comes close.
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  #6  
Old 01-09-2013, 09:06 PM
Luretta Luretta is offline
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Default Update on what is happening now

I think S is distancing me/us.

On NYE he texted a greeting and made an excuse for not coming to our party. Even though I sent him an invitation, I really didn't expect him to come so this was no big deal. On New Years Day, he suddenly stopped communicating via facebook. He always used to "like" stuff we put up or make little comments. Over the past 10 days there has been nothing on fb directed towards us.

I sent him a text message a couple of days after NYE and he replied over 24 hours later saying his phone was flat but he seemed ok. Then a couple of days later I saw him online on fb and just sent a general enquiry as to how he was because he had been stressed last time we communicated. Again he did not reply until over 24hrs later even though he was still online.

Obviously I am feeling a bit hurt by this. I don't know what has happened. What I do know is that he had his sister and family staying from New Years Day. Four extra people in a small one bedroom apartment. I also know he has been busy preparing for a trip he is taking with a youth group he is involved with. I also know he is no longer a facebook friend with the woman who was after him (one positive I guess). I know he has been very stressed.

I haven't wanted to add to this stress so while I feel I deserve an explanation as to the distancing (imagined or not) I don't want to ask him about this at the moment. The last communication I had with him was the day before he left on his trip. I wished him a good time and said I when he gets back to let me know if he wants to catch up for coffee or something. His reply was that he "would be back in two weeks. Have fun "

So basically I feel like all I can do at the moment is just need to sit back, wait and see what happens when he gets back in 2 weeks. It's going to be a long 2 weeks I think
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