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Old 01-08-2013, 10:38 AM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 278
Default Am I out of line here?

Something I posted about a couple of years ago on page 5, post # 42 of this thread has become an issue again.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3648

After holding my ground about M needing to work on his communication skills he has decided to become a man of action on the matter of he and I seeing each other. He still lives in the town I grew up in and isn't moving to my state any time soon.

My husband has maintained that he has serious misgivings about M's ability to stay low drama and he and M would have to have a long talk about things of the past for him to feel any differently. He claims he trusts me completely and his reservations are about M only.
Well M has contacted him to have this talk. Husband didn't have the time to devote to it when he called so but they are suppose to powwow about it very soon.
Husband, now that M has stepped up to have this talk, is much more emotional about the subject than he has ever been prior. Gritted teeth. All "if you really want to then go ahead but I think its a bad idea". He said he'd need to have this talk with M when this subject first cropped up. I told M he needs to have a talk with Husband. Husband is now stating he thinks even having this talk will likely end their friendship. I asked him why he asked for it to happen if he feels that way. He expected M to never approach him on the matter.
Pretty funny. I'm expected to try to make friends with people I only meet because he is having sex with them. Its an awkward ball to get rolling even if you do end up being able to get along. I do it anyway and I like his GF. I liked the last one too and still talk to her. He would never expect me to keep trying if we just didn't mesh but he does appreciate my efforts.
M is someone he calls family and he is wishing I'd go fuck a stranger rather than someone he is already friends with. I'd like to point out that he has not worked towards a friendship with any of his metamours. He is friendly when he has to be around them and they approach him but nothing more.

1. We have a no traveling with secondaries rule. This would be a situation where I would have to travel to see M. The expense of doing this a few times a year would be pretty on par with Husband's expense in seeing his GF on average, every other week for the last year. So there is that point of contention. Is this traveling with secondaries or is this just a less often but similar in expense situation to his own? Its also okay for people to have to travel to see one of us, but there is no room for reciprocity with this rule. I don't feel this is "traveling with secondaries" so much as its me traveling to do what I'd be doing with someone local. We're not talking about taking off to Paris or booking a cruise.

2. We had a butt load of rules out of the gate and almost all have been thrown out for his wants as they came up. I have asked for one to change but I have not indulged in it. He asked to travel to see his last GF after she moved away. I said I'd think about it and two days later he told me he changed his mind and to not worry about it.

3. I am someone who is just coming to get comfortable with asking for what I want rather than worrying about making waves and then being resentful over doing without. He is someone who will ask away for what he wants without reservation. I'm trying to find that place that isn't self sacrificing like I've been, but not hypocritical and selfish either.

4. It has been a hard last year for me seeing no one while he has a regular ongoing relationship. I was the one working from being perfectly okay with being monogamous to a place of acceptance in poly because he idealized it. I'm glad to have come out the other side of this year with a new outlook on things but it really sucked getting to this point. I'll admit I'm kind of chomping at the bit to seek my own enjoyment without always feeling guilty - pretty much the color of my only relationship since we made this change.

5. Its not like he has no reason to be concerned about M. He absolutely does for reasons that could happen with anyone I might see. However if someone else gets stupid and I have to break things off with them it doesn't carry the cost of an already established friendship we share. So I get the potential consequences. I'm just tired of letting what ifs rule my experiences and limit whether I even have experiences. I want to see M. I see the improvements he has made and don't see how any of the remaining concerns can get alleviated without giving it a try and seeing what comes of it.

I guess I'm just trying to get an unbiased outlook on the situation and husband's point of view is as biased as my own.

Last edited by Vinccenzo; 01-08-2013 at 10:45 AM.
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