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Old 01-08-2013, 12:25 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467

I am sorry that you are going through pain right now and that your relationship has come to an end.

Try looking at it a different way; it might help.

Having someone make a decision for you is never going to make you feel happy about the relationship being over. Our mind naturally wants to fight against what we are being told. When I was 17, I had a two-year affair with a married woman. Endless times, she broke it off with me, saying that I needed something more than she could give me. Endless times, I argued "no, I don't, I need this!"

In the end, of course, she was right.

That's point one.

But also - think about what their motivation is for ending it. Stress, if they're more self-focused. Guilt if they're a kinder soul.

Even if your girlfriend was thinking of you, there would also be some level of selfishness, the same way there is with everyone on the planet. It wasn't working for *her*. You couldn't change that; you can't change that... and it might help you to understand things from her point of view.

She decided after 4 months that I clearly was mono, a call which may be true but I still haven't made. I still don't know now.
That is for you to decide. My girlfriend used to say the same thing to me - and now, I don't stand for it. Explore life as you want to - don't be labelled by someone who does not live inside your mind.

The problem is her husband has never had a partner and while he says he is poly has not been trying. That puts more pressure on her as she was trying to meet everyone's needs. That also hurts because as the secondary not having my own partner meant our end, the primary is safe to not look if he wishes.
A person can identify as being poly without dating other people. If he's sharing his wife with someone else, he's *in* a poly relationship. If he's planning to stay, he's *choosing* a poly relationship.

There are many reasons for staying 'mono' whilst your partner dates. Perhaps you're picky. Perhaps you're shy. Perhaps you're not ready. Perhaps dealing with the jealousy side of the coin is enough of a struggle, without launching into "let's make my wife feel jealous too and really rock the boat". Perhaps you're not slutty and want something meaningful. Perhaps you're in no hurry. Perhaps you're not sure if you want to be poly.

If your ex girlfriend, his wife, had you, her husband and a LDR to balance, that's *her* decision. If she couldn't balance her time, meet everyone's needs, that's *her* cross to bear. Can't meet some of the needs of three people? Don't date three people. I don't think that's her husband's fault at all.

I can understand what you are saying, but I don't think it's the case that the primary is safe not to look for others, whilst the secondary gets dumped for it. I think it's more about how you may have portrayed yourself and/or how she may have perceived you.

For example...

I have a primary partner. I look for secondaries who are very independent by nature. I don't mind whether or not they have a partner, or are looking for a partner - as long as they do not expect me to fill the shoes of a 'primary girlfriend' figure. I do not have the time or the emotional capacity at the moment. I ended one relationship for the same reasons you were given by your ex girlfriend. The girl I dated was, in my opinion, very clingy, very needy, very co-dependent and very pushy. No matter how much I saw her, it was never enough. No matter what time I said I needed to leave, she wanted me to stay longer. No matter what my primary relationship guidelines were, she wanted to bend them. No matter how much she told me she was happy, I could see that she wasn't. But she was emotionally masochistic (by her own admission, later on).... she would never have ended it. When I was 17 and in love with the married woman, I would never have ended it. She had to end it with me, to do me a favour.

I'm not sure she was ready for the balancing and compromise needed to handle multiple relationships. She also said she had not planned on. Our relationship becoming as strong as it did. We spent most of it undefined and for a while called it equal but then things were shifting I was feeling much more secondary again despite coming very close to a couple primary relationship. I would have been very happy with Co primary but she said that was not something good she could give. I think she originally wanted her other relationships to be more casual and tertiary but that was never discussed when we started.
I think this is really important and genuinely, I do truly think that it is sad. I really do feel for you. It does sound like your relationship got very close and that she wavered on what she wanted.

Try to practice forgiveness... if you can? She was learning. You were learning.

It's important for everyone to lay out their expectations and not to expect things to remain stationary. Things can change - one person can fall in love and the other can back way off. One person can start off wanting something casual, but end up craving more. It's also important to understand NRE. New Relationship Energy (that buzz we get from clicking with someone new) makes us want to spend lots of time with a new person. It can give secondary partners the wrong impression when, after a few months, reality kicks in and the married/partnered-up person realises... shit... I don't have time to be chatting online for 40 hours a week... I haven't tidied my house, walked my dogs, played with my child, had sex with my husband in a month.

It's your choice whether or not you choose to explore poly again

But I do think that either way, many of the rules relating to poly can be transferred to monogamy. And now you're better equipped to talk about your expectations.

The number one thing I would say is a benefit to take with you into any kind of relationship? Not simply a list of "this is what I expect"... but, instead... "this is what I expect right now and for the foreseeable future... but... my biggest expectation... is that we can feel safe and free to talk to each other, if and when our feelings change." To be honest, they often do.
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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break-ups, primary/secondary

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