Musings

[InfinitePossibility]

Thank you.

I think certainly that if I can manage to love while knowing it probably will be lost and then deal with the loss without it stopping me from loving again, then maybe it will be fine to go through life without a husband and children.

I do hope so because I have no intention of getting married or having children.

Maybe it could be seen as freeing? There is no safe way to set up life so I (and any one of us) are free to do it the way we want.

All lives will have their sad periods and their happy ones regardless of how they are structured and so I can life as I want without blaming myself for making bad choices just because I don't choose to do what's expected of me as a woman. I very much hope that I can keep this in mind as I go on through this grief.

[InfinitePossibility]

And the year starts with another ending. A friend's dad this time. He died very suddenly.

Kind of made me think a bit more about how frequent and necessary change is in our lives even though we so often don't recognise it.

I used to be of the opinion that I was quite insecure about relationships and not terribly trusting.

I'm revising that now. Things change whether we want them to or not. Sometimes we change. I know that my feelings toward people in my life have changed in the past when I don't want them to causing shifts in relationships. Sometimes I've had to adjust my feelings and deal with loss because of changes in the lives of the people in my life.

Sometimes the changes that other people in my life experience mean that I find myself with additions in my life. I find myself now spending more time with small children than I would like because my sister chose to have 4. Spending time with her often means being with small children and sometimes I watch them while she and her bf go away somewhere.

So now I'm starting to shift how I see things. Looking for a happily ever after relationship that is unchanging and solid just isn't reality. My mum was married to the love of her life for 40 years and with him for 50. Dad loved her so much. There was never anybody else for either of them.

And still, mum spent 4 or so years caring for a man who through illness became incapable of looking after himself and sometimes violent into the bargain.

Much as we might like to make promises about our feelings behaviour and future lives to those we love, we can't - because we aren't entirely in control. And they can't make those promises to us either as much as they might like to.

So I think that learning to appreciate change is something that we all must do.

I have thought all of this stuff for years and used to see it as a flaw in myself. I don't now. I think it's the reality of life and rather than looking for ways to make myself feel as if the relationships in my life are stable and safe, I need to look for ways to feel safe in my life and loves knowing that they may change or be gone at any time.

IP.

[InfinitePossibility]

Saturday marked one year since my Dad died and one month since my old love died.

I woke feeling down and decided to skip heading to work for some overtime. Instead, C and I went for a run and then I took him to my friend's for the weekend and I headed to the city.

I met a wonderful friend for coffee and a chat, then had dinner and drinks with my SO. Then SO and I went to a birthday party where I was able to be silly, intoxicated and over affectionate with some of my friends. The next day, we slept in, went out for lunch and then I headed off to meet some friends for coffee and then to pick C back up again. The friends who were caring for him gave me dinner.

Then C and I came home.

Lovely, lovely weekend filled with love, conversation, friendship, some intense sex and lots and lots of hugs and kisses.

But yesterday, I was down again. Woke feeling sad, cried before work in the morning. In the end, I went to work, spoke to my boss about how I was feeling and took the afternoon off.

C and I went out for a long, slow run together. We kept going until my legs were sore and my mind was empty. Then we spent the evening together watching telly (me) and sleeping (C). And eating (both of us).

I felt better by the end of it and feel mostly okay this morning.

IP

[InfinitePossibility]

Ugh what a horrible week.

But Tuesday was spent at work talking and thinking about death - our conversations were prompted by the suicide of a young girl who jumped from a nearby motorway bridge.

Yesterday we made arrangements to go to our colleague's dad's funeral - I think that his funeral is exactly a year after my dad's funeral and thinking about it has been bringing up some memories.

Then I came home to find a letter that brought back memories of the night my old love died.

Horrible, horrible, horrible.

Hoping for some sunshine and fun toward the end of this week.

IP

[NovemberRain]

Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility

Thank you.

If that was for me, de rien

Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility

I think certainly that if I can manage to love while knowing it probably will be lost and then deal with the loss without it stopping me from loving again, then maybe it will be fine to go through life without a husband and children.

I do hope so because I have no intention of getting married or having children.

Maybe it could be seen as freeing? There is no safe way to set up life so I (and any one of us) are free to do it the way we want.

For me it was freeing. Does it to help to hear that I never planned to marry or have children. I'm not done living, but I am fairly certain, at this point, that I have now lived longer than half my life. And I'm not sorry.

I've had moments, some more challenging than others. I have had moments of desperate baby-craving. And now that I'm older, I do wonder about stuff that could happen since I have no children to care for me. My auntie took as good care as she could of her auntie who was childless and in her 90s. Her mind went, and her caretaker ran off with anything that might have been valuable (sentimental or monetary). Very sad.

But I've never been proud, and never been overly attached to my stuff, nor my independence. Odd, that not being attached, and not necessarily wanting to be independent, has led to never marrying.

Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility

All lives will have their sad periods and their happy ones regardless of how they are structured and so I can life as I want without blaming myself for making bad choices just because I don't choose to do what's expected of me as a woman. I very much hope that I can keep this in mind as I go on through this grief.

This is lovely. I know *I* will keep it in mind. It's comforting to me, to hear about those of us who choose to do what WE want, and not necessarily what's expected.

{moar hugs for IP}

[InfinitePossibility]

Thanks NR - your words are really sweet.

I hope that you are doing okay.

Hugs. IP

[InfinitePossibility]

This week has been hard work. Events have reminded me about the deaths last year and I have been reliving the horrible parts. Thank goodness for knitting and for Buffy the Vampire Slayer - these things are helping me get through the very tough alone times.

I had a brief discussion last weekend about flirting. Some of my friends have been watching a program on telly that is about teaching people how to flirt. I mentioned that I have no idea how to flirt and think I'm pretty terrible at it. One of my friends laughed and said that I am one of the biggest flirts she has ever met.

Hmmm - maybe this explains why so many of my friendships were with benefits when I was much younger.

[InfinitePossibility]

I'm working just now on balancing rage. My old love died under unpleasant, traumatic circumstances and I'm not happy about the medical care that he received. So I'm in the process of complaining about what happened to the relevant bodies.

The more I find out about the circumstances around his death, the more upset and angry I get. Now - in a way I want to keep my rage. It helps me to continue with the process.

But - I also need to be careful with it. I find anger freeing and exhilirating. I like arguing and being forceful about getting my point across. I find that sometimes it has become slightly addictive for me.

Not pleasant for others to be around somebody like that. So I have also been searching around for things to do to help keep it in a sensible balance. Also to help me keep connected to the people that I care about. And to C.

I run regularly anyway and that helps lots.

On Friday I went along to a workshop with a local tantra group. Was really interesting. Very calm, gentle environment. We spent a bit of time in pairs, sitting still and looking at each other - the intention was to just be there and look without judgement of the other person or of your own reaction to being looked at. Reminded me a wee bit of some of the work I've done with dogs. I felt quite calm after it so I'll probably go back - the group meets once a month.

There also a yoga group near me who do weekly meditation and group discussion sessions. I'm going to try and join them when I'm free.

IP

[InfinitePossibility]

I continue to struggle with the loss of two significant individuals from my life in the space of 11 months. Plus the ongoing illnesses and deaths among the loved ones of those close to me is, I think, enhancing my feeling of life and love as precarious.

I find that the way I'm thinking just now frightening and freeing by turns.

I know that all the relationships I have now will end or change beyond all recognition (and then ultimately end). Anybody I love right now can be lost at any moment. They may die, be changed utterly by illness, they may change their life and decide they don't want to hang around with me any more, I might change drastically and no longer be able to connect with them.

It utterly terrifies me. Especially the thought that changes in me could result in me losing connections.

Just now, I feel that the very best any of us can hope from out of a relationship is that the connection between us and our loved one remains until one of us dies.

And yet I feel free in a way because of knowing this. Nothing I can do or say can stop the pain from happening. These things will happen regardless of my efforts. So I can stop worrying about it. I don't need to feel as if these things wouldn't happen if I were just a better person.

Plus. The pain I can deal with - I'm strong and loved and able to be on my own happily too. I have no attachments to the way I need to be loved. Or even to the species of my loved ones. Change may hurt and be difficult to go through but I think I'm in a good position to deal with it.

This year I want to concentrate on two things.

First - nurturing myself. Creating a more beautiful home and living environment, writing, exercising, knitting, learning how to deal with my anger.

Second - taking care of my connections with others. I want to build happy memories and let the people I care about know that I care about them. I want to spend lots and lots of time with those closest to me having fun and being caring toward them.

IP

[InfinitePossibility]

Yesterday was a day filled with hope.

I spent much of it supporting a work colleague who is becoming a friend through a tough day. Also there were my colleague's family and some of her closest friends.

The day filled me with hope because there was so much love in it. My colleague was being loved, supported and helped by a group of people and none of them are romantically involved with her - she currently doesn't have a romantic partner.

I'm kind of committed in my life to not wanting to have romantic relationships be the focus. I enjoy them when they happen and am very much in love with my SO - he is so important to me.

But I don't want my relationship with him or any romances that may happen in the future to be the focus of my life.

And so it fills me with hope to see somebody so surrounded by love and care that isn't bound up with romance.

Tough day all round but ultimately a hopeful one.

IP