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  #31  
Old 01-06-2013, 01:26 PM
dust dust is offline
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Thanks for the thoughtful post, nycindie - very well said. I'm just getting to the point where this is exciting, and it is, well, exciting!

I do want to discuss your point about being complete - because this is something I've thought a lot about - and it's something I imagine a lot of people struggle with.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
We are all whole human beings, and if we feel incomplete, no other person can fix that for us. It's an illusion that only can change from the inside.
But how does love and relationships fit in here? Because when one person tries to open up a mono relationship, it is because there is something they need.

I was stuck for a while feeling like M didn't really NEED this, instead she needed to figure out what made her feel incomplete (self-esteem? Career?) and address that.

If we are all complete, then couldn't we all CHOOSE to be monogamous? This is where my mind went, and it was a huge roadblock for me. I wasn't able to move forward until I accepted that this wasn't optional for M.

But to answer my own question - I guess M wasn't letting herself be compete until recently.

Anyway, I know people who are used to mono relationships are reading this - so I'm trying to share my roadblocks. This was a big one.
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  #32  
Old 01-06-2013, 06:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dust View Post
But how does love and relationships fit in here? Because when one person tries to open up a mono relationship, it is because there is something they need.
Hi!

Apologies, I've just arrived in this thread, and have only read this post, but wanted to reply specifically to this.

I, myself, don't believe this is true. I don't need a relationship, I don't need many relationships. (well, apart from I think humans need humans and all that) I'm quite capable of having a lovely life with no mono or poly partners at all.

Me? I WANT all the goodies I get from relationships. I want a warm body to sleep with at night, and I want someone who is kind and lovely and fun and all whatever I want.

But I would much rather not need anything from that person. I don't look for some need, other than I want it, as the reason I 'open a relationship.'

********
edited to add:

sorry, I'm an idjit. I completely misread that. I read 'open a relationship' as 'start a relationship' My humongous apologies.
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Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)

Last edited by NovemberRain; 01-07-2013 at 03:40 AM.
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  #33  
Old 01-06-2013, 07:32 PM
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That makes sense - but I think you are in a different spot than many of us.

For several of us, there is a struggle to transition from mono to poly. It is that transition period where one partner feels a change is necessary and it can be traumatic to both. I would still be stuck if I thought my wife was just being stubborn in not choosing monogamy.

For better or worse (haha) I think most married partners do feel that they need each other on some level.
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  #34  
Old 01-06-2013, 09:27 PM
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Well "need" and "want" sometimes break down into a semantic discussion. I think the point in this is that M realized that a poly life would be a good thing for her ... and by extension, for her and you as well. It's an opportunity for the two of you to grow closer as she shares her experiences and desires.

Ultimately, this is something she wanted, and you've made the leap to be okay with her about that. That is an amazing gift for a spouse to give, and I commend you for "leaping that chasm." It's not supported by society at large (yet), so it takes a great deal of introspection and inner strength to be okay with this whole "poly" thing.

I hope you guys will have many happy moments to share in the future.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #35  
Old 01-06-2013, 09:58 PM
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If a minister hadn't sold me on the idea of Poly, I would be stuck in a marriage without sex. H may leave me but I for sure left no stone unturned. I can say I did everything possible to save the marriage and will do more.
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  #36  
Old 01-06-2013, 10:03 PM
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SweetSensations, I believe that is the right attitude and approach to take. I know it is not easy.
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  #37  
Old 01-06-2013, 10:51 PM
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Default Roller Coaster

It is a roller coaster ride...
I don't know what is ahead...
a ride I will never forget ...
a ride where your guts wind up in your throat at times...
a ride when I think am I ever going to stop sinking...
sometimes arms waving in the air with new joy...
I grit my teeth and hold on tight...
sometimes sharp turns ahead...
I shut my eyes and scream...
I come to the top and smile...
dizzy from the ride...
oh no, I am falling again...
but what an adrenaline RUSH...
and I don't regret waiting in line.
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  #38  
Old 01-07-2013, 01:53 AM
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Good to hear dust, I reached the same point about a month ago so I know what a weight lifted it feels like. The energy that these arrangements, relationships can bring into your marriage are just brilliant.

Glad you turned a corner mate, enjoy the wave
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  #39  
Old 01-07-2013, 12:37 PM
Aquarius Aquarius is offline
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So envious fish and dust! I haven't quite reached that corner yet. But I trust my SO( breathe deeply) in that he will communicate and be gentle in my down times. Still one day at a time..... How far is that corner??????????
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  #40  
Old 01-07-2013, 01:39 PM
dust dust is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Well "need" and "want" sometimes break down into a semantic discussion. I think the point in this is that M realized that a poly life would be a good thing for her ... and by extension, for her and you as well.
That quite frankly wasn't how it felt. I read in a different thread where the partner said something like - 'I love you, I want to be with you, but if I have to choose between you and freedom I will choose freedom'. M said last night that's how she felt too. It's shocking how much she would give up for this - we have two kids, she isn't in a position to support herself and few of her family and friends would understand.

This wasn't a well reasoned choice, where all of us were taken into consideration. It was desperate, guilty, tearful and hard.

I have a passion myself, for a business I've been trying to build for 15 years. It has been a source of conflict between us for a long time - and I've pursued it well beyond 'what makes sense'. But I can't give it up - there is something in me that needs to be expressed - creativity, building something, a vision, a challenge... I'm complete when I have something like this in my life. It feels like a need, rather than a want.

To me I need to have certain things in my life - or perhaps better said, I need to express certain things in life to feel complete. I could be wrong, but that is how I see this with M - she doesn't need a specific other person - but she does need to express something that she can't express in a mono relationship.

Point being - when she figured out what she needed to express, it stopped being a choice. She is complete when she expresses it.

Here's the thing - when I thought she could choose monogamy, I tried to show her just how much she had to lose and I tried to boost myself up as an amazing person who deserves better. I wanted her to choose me and monogamy. It wasn't pretty.

But when I realized that this wasn't a choice for her - then I realized what I had to lose and was able to consider what I was willing to do for us. If I hadn't made this switch, we'd probably be separated and miserable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
That is an amazing gift for a spouse to give, and I commend you for "leaping that chasm." It's not supported by society at large (yet), so it takes a great deal of introspection and inner strength to be okay with this whole "poly" thing.
Thanks - this means a lot.
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