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  #11  
Old 01-02-2013, 04:51 AM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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Hi guys!! Been a while since i checked in. Lots of ups and downs since then. Mostly regarding the amount of time...or lack there of...that we spend alone. Most recently, with Christmas, they spent 3 ENTIRE days ahopping together...having lunch together...etc. I got my pantirs in a bunch about it cuz he hates shopping...and we haven't been out to eat together in 6 months. And then she just would not ever go home in the evening to let us be together. We had a total of 4 hours together in a week. We didnt even sleep in the same bed becuz we both got the flu at different times. I finally had enough and said something. But i just finally exploded. My bad. So we get over my paranoia and we are sitting on the couch talking after she leaves tonite...and he tells me that she tells him every day "i love you". I was kind of shocked. I know she admitted it finally...but i never dreamed that ahe actually says it every day. He has not said it to her as he is not in love with her. I guess im just shell shocked and not quite sure how i feel. How have others dealt with this in the past? Was it shocking...expected and planned for...etc. Other's experiences would be great. Im not sure if this changes anything for me...i just wanna know how you have felt when you found this out about your spouse and their "other". Thank you all!! And happy new year!!! Hope its a great one for all!!
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  #12  
Old 01-02-2013, 05:43 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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So she loves him. He's loveable. You love him, don't you? I see that it unsettles you so note it. But deal with that in time -- its too new. Just FLAG it and ID it and let it be for now.

Longer prob is the time management.

I still do not understand why there is no schedule. It doesn't have to be "Fridays are my night, Saturdays are hers" type schedule.

It could be arranged as a pattern type.

"See me alone, then see her alone, then a rest day in our home no other people. Then everyone hang out together (us 3 at our house), then other family/friend things. Then a rest day. Start over."

So it can be loose enough to deal with the work things popping up. And the worst that happens is what? Extra rest days! Most adults sleep too little and need more rest anyway. Nobody will die. No 3 days in a row stuff without clearing it with you first since it seems to be a sore spot right now. Could be a "soft limit" that could change in time, but for now a limit. No "in a rows." Could they be more willing and able for that kind of schedule?

Could any of the tips in this help too?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-02-2013 at 05:47 AM.
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  #13  
Old 01-05-2013, 02:10 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Op IMO there would be nothing wrong with saying my house needs to be MY safe place and that he can see her outside the house.

It would have been very unfair to invade my husbands space with my boyfriend every single night of the week. Heck my boyfriend had never been inside my home until Christmas day, and that was after we had been dating 8 months. The house is my husbands safe zone.

There is nothing wrong with needing your own personal time with out her there. You all need a schedule. My husband and I have one. I am allowed to see my boyfriend every other weekend when he is off and one of his days off during the week. The kids needs/activities come first. But my boyfriend is welcome to attend since he is included in the kids' lives too. For example my 6 yo wanted to go to the National Aquarium for his birthday, and he wanted both my husband and my boyfriend there. So that is what happened. We had fun.
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  #14  
Old 01-05-2013, 03:14 PM
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nouryia nouryia is offline
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Nursey, is there NO willingness on your husband's part to compromise and schedule things so that BOTH you and the g/f get your needs met, at least equally? Hell, if anything, you're the primary and should get the lion share of your hubby's time. That's how my b/f and I work it out with our respective mates. I wouldn't dream of expecting to spend MORE time with him than his wife does, no matter how much I love spending time with him. Not sure why you put up with it. Just my opinion.
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  #15  
Old 01-05-2013, 03:22 PM
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nouryia nouryia is offline
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And as for the "I love you's", I don't see that as being an issue, though I understand that it makes you feel insecure. And that is probably because your needs are being ignored at the moment. The love usually flows both ways in poly, at least it does in mine. I tell hubby I love him, and I tell my b/f I love him, all the time. Loving two or more is okay, so long as you respect everyone's needs. Maybe if you felt heard and valued more in your husband's eyes you wouldn't feel threatened as much by the g/f's feelings for him.
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  #16  
Old 01-15-2013, 05:19 PM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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Thank u all. Great insight and words of wisdom. Sometimes u can read things in other posts...but when its being told directly to u...it makes sense. Well the time together has gotten better. He finally told her she just needs to stay home sometimes...that he and i need our time together. I guess more often than not she just comes over in the evenings if she isnt there already. Doesnt say anything to either one of us. Anyway...still not dealt with the i love u. Not causing me distress...just discomfort.
Recently he and i were talking and he mentioned that she would like it if he were able to come over her house sometimes. I was okay with that. He does anyway... just not for "date nights". But this morning...she said she would like to know if its okay to have sleepovers once in a while at her house. Now this is distressing. Im trying not to be selfish...and of course he and i need to talk about it. But im almost in full blown panic attack here. Lol.
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  #17  
Old 01-17-2013, 01:41 AM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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So i think i will do a teial sleepover. Just to see how i handle it. And go from there. Who knows. It may not be so bad. Bit then again...i mite be calling him in the middle of the nite telling him to get home NOW. We will see i guess. Hope for my sake i can handle it. I hate being monogamous. Lol.
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  #18  
Old 01-17-2013, 01:46 AM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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So i think i will try a trial sleepover. Just to see how i handle it. I dont know. We will go from there. Who knows...it may not be so bad. But tjen again...o may be calling him in the middle of the nite to get home NOW. We will see i guess. Hope for my sake i can handle it. I hate being monogamous. Lol
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  #19  
Old 01-17-2013, 07:18 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I personally would get things where I'm comfortable FIRST before giving up even MORE of my time with him. i.e. No sleepovers until your time needs are being met. In other words, you already feel like she's overstepping her bounds in her behaviour. Now she's making even more requests, when she's already not respecting you right now. It sounds like she's more than willing to just keep taking and taking, without any consideration of your needs and feelings.

My main motivation for thinking that way about it is the combination of her status as "just a friend" and her lack of respect for your personal space inside your home.

If she's just coming over unannounced, then she needs to be told that your family would prefer she call first. "Just showing up" once in a while because you actually are in the neighbourhood is one thing, and then only if they've actually told you to "stop by any time." Showing up day in day out without an invitation is just plain rude. I rarely feel much obligation to be overly polite to people who are rude to me first. I would ask her to leave. Deal with her directly, since you're the one with the issue, she's your friend too, and only you are in a position to really communicate what you need.

I would probably start by sitting down with her one-on-one, no husband there, and tell her how you're feeling. That you need more time with your husband, and that you'd like her to call before coming over. Then you know that she knows exactly what you're asking, rather than your husband's interpretation. Once you make it clear that she's overstepping the boundaries of your marriage, you go the next step and address the sleepovers. For example, tell her that maybe when you're feeling like your marriage is where you want it to be then you might be willing to consider sleepovers. But right now, you already feel like too much is being taken from you, and adding sleepovers on top of that is really pushing it. In other words, you need to lay down the law. This isn't one of those non-hierarchical, let the relationship grow how it will poly relationships. This is "wife is #1, girlfriend gets what's left when wife is satisfied" poly relationships. Now how I would do it personally, but nothing wrong with it if you and your husband agree. Her option is to accept that or move on. It's not your fault she doesn't have any other friends, and you're not responsible for coddling her. You don't want to make her feel totally and completely rejected, but she needs to know that your marriage needs come first.

Once she knows that you need more time with your husband, it opens the door for you to ask her to go home when she's over and you'd like her to leave. And yes, you are allowed to ask her to leave. It's your house. Just because she's your friend too, and your husband's "whatever" (more than friends obviously, since married people don't have sleepovers with "friends" unless they're too drunk to drive home and they crash on the couch), doesn't give her free reign over your house.

It can be as simple as "I've really enjoyed your visit, but hubby and I need some husband-and-wife time / need the house to ourselves / have something to talk about / need some privacy. Can I give you a ride home?" Even if she drove her car there, offering her a ride home makes it crystal clear that you're asking her to leave, without actually saying "You need to leave now."

She's a grown-up. If she's lost all her friends in the divorce, then she needs to find new friends, and she can't do that from your living room.

With all of that being thrown at her, I probably wouldn't address the I love you's myself. They don't directly affect your marriage, and it sounds like you need to pick your battles right now.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 01-17-2013 at 07:44 AM.
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  #20  
Old 01-17-2013, 05:33 PM
nurseypoo1 nurseypoo1 is offline
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Excellently put. I will follow ur advice and put my foot down politely. Hubby thinks we should tell her shes asking too much of me too quick anyways. He knows im having problems with all of it. Thanx for the advice. It is much appreciated.
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