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Old 01-04-2013, 06:41 PM
Chupacabra Chupacabra is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3
Default Polyamorous girlfriend wants to see ex-boyfriend...am I right to feel uneasy?

I will attempt to keep this short and sweet.

I just recently entered a relationship with a girl I've known for a while. A while back, this girl was dumped by a long-term boyfriend with whom she was monogamous with. About six months later (December 23rd), we started dating.

Prior to me asking her out, she said she had come out as poly. Now, I'll be honest, I had some trouble accepting this. But, in the end, I realized I would be willing to compromise since I had quite an interest in her. We held a discussion about what boundaries we should set if we were to enter a relationship. This quickly turned into an argument when she said she wanted to date her ex on the side.

I told her I would not be alright with this. I would feel threatened that he, as a secondary, was already loved while I, as a Primary, was just starting out with her. She even admitted that she still loved him but did not yet feel the same way for me. I did not see how I could be a Primary while she felt stronger feelings for her secondary...I felt I would soon default to being the extra man to their relationship.

After a couple of days, she told me to forget about her ex. She wanted me and she was willing to drop her desire for him as a secondary. We set new boundaries that said she could see one man and one woman on the side, and, after we both agreed, we commenced out relationship. Things went swimmingly for a week or two.

But just last night, she begged me to let her date her ex. She was pleading and bargaining. And when I told her "No," she continued on. She is very set on dating him (her tenacity itself in this matter makes me uneasy about how it will turn out). She wants to give up her side of the open relationship; she's willing to settle for just dating me and him. But dating him is a necessity. Nevermind the fact that his is what held us up from dating originally, and the only reason we currently are is that she agreed to avoid dating him. I feel almost insulted that, after making such an important agreement, she waited for a couple of weeks before bringing it up again to make it more difficult for me to tell he she can't.

I also still feel threatened. I worry that I will default to being the secondary and that he will become the Primary...perhaps not purposefully, but unintentionally and gradually. She said she would drop him in a second if, after a trial period, I still felt uneasy. But at this point I'm not sure if she would even listen to that, since she's acted about our agreement very lazily.

Am I right to feel threatened if she dates him? What do I do here?
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