Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 01-04-2013, 03:09 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,374
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
Excuse me in advance, but I just flew close to 10k miles, so I'm a wee bit scatter brained.
Coincidentally, I just flew as well (from San Francisco to Paris) so I understand the feeling

I understood most of your post and what you were saying, but I am a bit confused by this part:

Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I wouldn't feel left out because I would intentionally cut myself out of their lives and have zero involvement with either. I likely wouldn't accept an adoptive child either. He would still be responsible for him/her, their emotional needs, financial needs, and doing everything a father should do. He's a stand-up kind of man. A father is not dictated just by paternity. The actions that the person does give someone the right to be more than a sperm donor. That in itself is why I don't foresee a solution involving any children outside of our marriage. Biological or adopted.
Because it seems to me that it contradicts something you said earlier (which was what led me to mention adoption to begin with. To clarify, I didn't mean legal adoption, I mean taking care of her kid, who wouldn't be biologically linked to either of you)

Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
If he/she turned out to be his, something in my soul would make me want to pull away. Bonds established or not, and to me, that is the worst feeling and thought. Shunning an innocent child who didn't ask to be brought into the world. If it was the other man's child, my feelings would be the polar opposite.
(Emphasis mine) I assumed that the polar opposite of pulling away would be being invested in the child's life as a parental figure, in a way an adoptive parent. I guess my mistake was assuming that you would be fine with your husband doing the same thing. Is that were I misinterpreted it?
And if that's the problem, why would it be a problem for him to act as a parental figure to a kid outside of marriage who isn't is, while being fine for you to do the same thing?

If my misunderstanding comes from something else, would you mind explaining what my mistake is?

Either way, it doesn't seem like them having a biological child is an option as far as you are concerned. If she happened to be pregnant, would abortion ever be an option in your mind? (regardless of what he or she would want to do.) And what about giving out the child for adoption? Or would simply the existence of that child be too much on its own?
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 01-13-2013, 03:01 AM
boadicea boadicea is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4
Default Similar situation

FullofLove1052,

A lot of what you have written in this thread really echoes how I am feeling right now, even though our situation is slightly different. I have been in poly-esque relationships in the past and have been very involved in the LGBT community, but my DH (of 6 years) and our first shared girlfriend (of only 4 months) didn't even know the word "polyamorous" until I discussed how our relationship style has a name and how a poly community exists out in the virtual and real world.

Perhaps as a result of them being less knowledgeable about queer and poly issues and relationships (at least from a theoretical standpoint), I've been shocked at how little they communicate with me and each other about the rules and boundaries of our new triad. I was especially shocked a few weeks ago when she and I were chatting (from different countries), and she started waxing poetic about how she really really wants to get pregnant (she's very young and still in college) and has even sabotaged her birth control with recent past boyfriends to try to accidentally-on-purpose get pregnant. As you state, I am ABSOLUTELY NOT OK WITH DH/GIRLFRIEND HAVING A CHILD. I assumed that a young student involved with a married man would not want to get pregnant by him, especially without discussing it with him and me first! This was a powerful lesson about how explicit conversations in new poly relationships must be.

I am also struggling to dissect why I am generally a huge opponent of jealousy (I'm the one who slowly opened DH to the possibility of bringing another woman into our lives), but I am totally possessive over DH's DNA! Part of my jealousy on this issue arises from the fact that he has refused to have children so far, and I'm entering my early thirties. Unlike your situation, the fact that we don't have children yet would make it even harder for me to see another woman having his children. Also, I am on the point of going back to medical school, she lives in another country and has zero money whereas we have a small nest egg built up, and I am resentful that the two of them would throw their having a child at me under these conditions.

I can imagine, in the future, having a stable triad in which either I or a future girlfriend contribute the eggs/womb to have children with DH. As I wish to be a specialist or surgeon, three people to raise a baby, with me as the potential breadwinner, could be a great situation. But now's not the time. I'm very hurt that they didn't think to discuss this situation, and, although they were using condoms (in threesome and twosome scenarios), her admission to desperately wanting to have babies very soon scares me.

When I tried to talk with them about it, I felt like they ganged up on me, claiming that they used birth control so I was worried about what was really a small risk. But she also is adamantly against having an abortion herself, and no risk is acceptable to me. The past few weeks have been really difficult because we all have our (previously secret) demands... I don't want them to have PIV sex since she would not consider an abortion. She doesn't want to have an abortion but wants to have PIV sex. She could accept not having PIV sex with DH because she could get it from other male lovers, but he doesn't want her to have sex with other men because of security/jealousy issues he has.

Like you, we've finally hashed a lot of things out through lots and lots and lots of discussions, in which all three of us have gotten hurt, but we have finally been honest about each of our personal limits and needs. When they realized how devastating their having a child would be for me, and that it would likely result in me ending my marriage with DH, they decided that they would avoid PIV sex for now rather than hurt me and possibly ruin my relationship with both of them.

Meanwhile, I have been having private discussions with DH about his jealousy issues and have encouraged him to open himself up to the possibility of her having protected PIV sex with other men since I feel terrible that DH and I have PIV sex and she does not. That seems really unfair to her. Through our discussions, I realized that one of his fears is that if he okays our GF's sexual relationships with other men, that I will demand to be with other men, as well. I have wholeheartedly reassured him that I respect his needs and insecurity about me being with other men and that I would never demand that he open our relationship (between him and me) to men just because he opens up to our GF having another guy. Now, he's reconsidering his limits about her having male lovers.

Our GF seems to be head over heels for both of us, but I don't want to control her or mandate what relationships and sex life she must have. She is the type of person that is easy to manipulate and convince into doing/not doing anything, but I think it's disgusting to take advantage of her compliant personality by forcing her, for example, to agree to an abortion. She's already used the "L word" (awkward!) and talks about the three of us in the long-term, and has already come out to tons of friends and family about us. (Whereas DH and I see our triad relationship as a more casual dating thing!) My DH was convinced that the prohibition of PIV sex would send her running, but she accepted the condition with grace and understanding after several heartfelt conversations. But I feel guilty, too, because if she reeeeeaaaaally wants to have a baby soon with someone in love with her, maybe she's wasting her time with us as we aren't looking for that right now.

Sorry to maybe hijack the thread with my story, but it was so comforting to hear that other people are in this thorny situation and struggling with what to do. At least this issue has made my two lovers better communicators, even if I kind of forced them to be...
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 01-13-2013, 10:31 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Boadicea, you do realize that your little student-sauce can still get her hands on some of your husband's sperm and knock herself up, even without sticking his dick inside her love-tunnel, don't you? I wouldn't trust her as far as i could throw her. You're better off staying in your country and letting her stay in her country.
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 01-13-2013, 11:19 PM
boadicea boadicea is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4
Default

Hi BoringGuy,

LOL. I appreciate your directness. And "student-sauce" and "love-tunnel" gave me a laugh!

But in all seriousness, yes, I am very aware of how pregnancy occurs (as someone involved in sex education and with a few biology credentials under my belt)... They, however, are another story, and I've had to be very explicit about risks they underestimate. It's disappointing, because everything except her wanna be baby mamma drama is a pretty great fit for all three of us. I do trust her not to be trying to steal his semen without his knowledge, although I do not trust her in "the heat of the moment." However, I do trust him utterly and completely; I know his self-control and his commitment. Maybe I'm wrong to trust him so, but meshing your lives together for six years does take the trust thing to a very high level. He wouldn't be my long-term partner if I couldn't trust him so highly.

Where I am right now, I would rather trust them to do the right thing than run away scared from an otherwise good relationship. If they disappoint me, "cheat" after we made agreements, or she gets her hands on his sperm (in your words) through diabolical means, then I will be heartbroken, but I will move on alone and survive. I'm a pretty tough cookie, but I hope that they can find an arrangement that I can trust and respect because I don't want things to end with either of them.

Thanks for the healthy dose of reality! Your tone seemed a bit harsh, but I always try to assume best intentions, especially as it's hard to read tone from what strangers post on the internet. So I think you're just trying to give me a wake-up call, in case I needed it, so thanks!
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 01-14-2013, 03:21 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

thank you for realizing that i have absolutely no hostility toward you whatsoever. i was typing that while kind of rolling my eyes. i know nothing about you people at all of course, but your description of the way things are going just sounds like an accident waiting to happen. i wouldn't be jumping to this conclusion if it weren't for your own statement that girlie-q admits to being in the throes of baby-rabies. Anyway, no i wasn't worried that you didn't know how babies are made; you sound pretty smart. But if your husband ejaculates anywhere near this woman, you might as well start painting the nursery and figuring out baby names.
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 01-14-2013, 09:56 AM
boadicea boadicea is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4
Default

Hi BoringGuy,

The "baby-rabies" is what scared me too. My automatic response was that the relationship couldn't continue because of irreconcilable differences on this issue. However, both of them have been receptive to my extreme alternatives. For example, I explained to him, first, how, um, far away, he needed to keep himself at a certain moment (in addition to having no PIV sex). I didn't know that he didn't discuss with her his decision to have zero risk. Therefore, when I had "the talk" with her, she was actually relieved that he wasn't getting near her, in that way, because of logistics and not rejection of her as a person. I assumed that she would want out of the relationship and opened that door for her. But she decided to stay.

The thing is that she is very submissive (personality-wise, none of us are into BDSM sexually), and I am almost positive I could pressure her into an abortion (she has no religious or moral objection to it), but I don't like to manipulate people to get my way. Actually, I try to be very conscientious of controlling people because I have a very alpha/overly assertive personality. I am pretty good at getting other people to do what I want, but I don't like myself when I do that. Our guy is also pretty alpha, but not as bad as me. Considering how strong-headed he is, I was surprised that he is open to negotiating our girlfriend's being sexual with other men, which is something I've been discussing with him and encouraging him to accept because I think it's the right thing to do. But that's me. I'm walking the fine line between manipulating him to accept terms that he's uncomfortable with and having an open dialogue exploring his insecurity so he can overcome it. I hope I'm doing the latter!

I don't really understand why our girlfriend wants to stay with us when she wants babies soon but respects that we don't. I suspect that she's getting a better idea about how irresponsible it is for her (objectively) to have a baby now, period. She even seems a little embarrassed by immature comments she made before about loving the idea of being a single mom. Maybe she's growing up a little with our influence? I don't know.

She's agreed, after really understanding my perspective and the risks, that it's a very bad idea for us to get pregnant as a triad right now, but she still does not want to terminate if an accident happens. Which is her right. She would rather shift our sex lives (which we've already done over the past month) than end the relationship or disrespect that I need zero pregnancy risk. I like her a lot, and I do trust her intentions and 95% of her behavior (she can get a little irresponsible after drinking, which is where our teetotaler guy comes in handy), and I can't bring myself to dump her just because she couldn't terminate an unplanned pregnancy. But the fact that she had actively tried to get pregnant before did have me running for the hills for a couple of weeks.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
babies, boundaries, children, ill feelings, limits, pregnancies

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:23 AM.