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  #11  
Old 01-03-2013, 08:29 AM
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SweetSensations SweetSensations is offline
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Default Thank you for making me think...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marathoner View Post
Sweet Sensations, you wrote:


What do you mean by the italic text? Are you saying:
  • You will not give your husband any personal details about the other man, such as name, address, work address, etc.? (These are factual details)
    OR
  • You will not tell your husband when you are going out on a date, nor will you allow your husband to see you getting dressed up all nice and sexy, shaving your legs, and in general getting bubbly and happy for your date? (These are emotional details).
yes to both. I don't want to hurt him on purpose. My fantasy is for him to give me permission and cheer me on. I love him very much. Yes I feel more alive, quite frankly at the time, I just wished I was gone, I thought it would be great if I could just never woke up again, but again, I wouldn't want him to hurt. I don't want him to know what my lover looks like or know I am happier. If he thinks I will leave him he will feel insecure and leave me. He did just that in the beginning of our relationship. For sure he is not his loving self.

I read not giving him any info will be worse on him. Another member said when they don't know what is going on they think the worst. He can be that type.
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  #12  
Old 01-03-2013, 11:57 AM
dust dust is offline
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Originally Posted by SweetSensations View Post
yes to both. I don't want to hurt him on purpose.
The chapter in Ethical Slut about jealousy I think also applies to guilt. You should check it out - it was HUGELY helpful to me. My hurt is my own, and usually what I need is for her to acknowledge it, tell me she loves me and then go about her business. If you try to own his hurt, it will just make it harder for you to do what you need to do.

This is going to hurt for him, and trying to avoid it will only drag it out. I needed to sit with jealousy and hurt for a while and realize that it won't kill me, that I am stronger than either....most of the time.

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Originally Posted by SweetSensations View Post
My fantasy is for him to give me permission and cheer me on.
whew - this is a benchmark for me. I'm far from it right now. Sorry to say it, but I think you are too.
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Originally Posted by SweetSensations View Post
never woke up again
yup :-/
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Originally Posted by SweetSensations View Post
I read not giving him any info will be worse on him. Another member said when they don't know what is going on they think the worst.
I have no idea what the right balance is for you or for me, but not knowing anything would NOT work for me.

Here are a few:
1. When she gets there and when she leaves - so I don't have to worry about her safety (car wreck or whatever).
2. She often lets me know when she communicates with him. Otherwise I feel that every call and text is with him. (I'm not proud of it, but I can't deny it).
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  #13  
Old 01-03-2013, 03:04 PM
Marathoner Marathoner is offline
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Sweet Sensations,

Dust makes some excellent points.

Thinking about Dust's points, is there any way you could try out some of his ideas? Try them on for size?

If you do, I suggest you combine it with lots of reassurance. "I love you, H. I'll text you when I arrive at the hotel, and I'll text you when I take a bathroom break to let you know I'm safe. I'll text you when I'm in the car driving home."

And when you arrive at home, give him a long, long languid kiss. And tell him you love him.
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  #14  
Old 01-03-2013, 08:47 PM
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Re (from SweetSensations, Post #11):
Quote:
"I don't want him to know what my lover looks like or know I am happier."
As far as him knowing you're happier, there's a flip side to that. He is the one that gave you the okay to seek outside sex, so, if doing so has made you happier, then it is thanks to him for giving you that permission. I'm not quite sure how you would put that; something like, "Thank you honey, for letting me do this, I know it wasn't easy for you, but it has helped me a lot." Not that it's required that you tell him that, but it's something to think about.

Re:
Quote:
"Yes I feel more alive, quite frankly at the time, I just wished I was gone, I thought it would be great if I could just never wake up again, but again, I wouldn't want him to hurt."
I'm sorry that you had to go through such an awful time. I'm glad things are looking up a little. I can also see that you truly do love your husband; you cared about how he felt even when you were at such a low yourself.

Re:
Quote:
"If he thinks I will leave him he will feel insecure and leave me. He did just that in the beginning of our relationship. For sure he is not his loving self."
Sounds like things are really rocky right now. All I can suggest is reassure him often that you are going to stick with him. I do think he could use some counseling, or you and he could use some couple's counseling, as some kind of insecurity seems to be buried deep inside him.

Re:
Quote:
"I read not giving him any info will be worse on him. Another member said when they don't know what is going on they think the worst. He can be that type."
I think telling him every sensual detail about your outside encounters would be overkill (and far beyond what he could handle, at least right now). However, letting him know where you're going, and when he can expect you to return, may help him.
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  #15  
Old 01-04-2013, 04:02 AM
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SweetSensations SweetSensations is offline
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Default wow Dusty I have a lot to learn from you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dust View Post
The chapter in Ethical Slut about jealousy I think also applies to guilt. You should check it out - it was HUGELY helpful to me. My hurt is my own, and usually what I need is for her to acknowledge it, tell me she loves me and then go about her business. If you try to own his hurt, it will just make it harder for you to do what you need to do.

This is going to hurt for him, and trying to avoid it will only drag it out. I needed to sit with jealousy and hurt for a while and realize that it won't kill me, that I am stronger than either....most of the time.


whew - this is a benchmark for me. I'm far from it right now. Sorry to say it, but I think you are too.

yup :-/

I have no idea what the right balance is for you or for me, but not knowing anything would NOT work for me.

Here are a few:
1. When she gets there and when she leaves - so I don't have to worry about her safety (car wreck or whatever).
2. She often lets me know when she communicates with him. Otherwise I feel that every call and text is with him. (I'm not proud of it, but I can't deny it).
Dust
You are way ahead of me I have not gotten past the first chapters in "Love in Abundance" Defining the relationship together and setting boundaries. He did not want to read it. I defined it and told him he was my number one. He is not the curious type. Maybe in his mind he is wondering but it never leaves his lips. I go to the doc I want to know everything. He goes to the doc...and asks nothing, just listens.
I did read about jealousy and insecurity which he does not reveal. I only see snap shots here and there.

I told him I would be discreet. I meet my man during the day and move around his and my schedule. I told men I was looking for STD paperwork and day meetings. I probably won't even go out at night until I get my love more stable. Only my FB friends know where I am and when I will return. You gave me a lot to think about.
I conduct my sexual rendezvous like it is an affair. I did come home one day in my date night dress and high heels, smelling like cologne. My H was 2 hours early from work. I did not skip a beat I walked in front of my H and Hugged and kissed him. He never said a word.
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  #16  
Old 01-04-2013, 04:32 AM
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SweetSensations SweetSensations is offline
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Default Marathoner we are on the same page...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marathoner View Post
Sweet Sensations,

Dust makes some excellent points.

Thinking about Dust's points, is there any way you could try out some of his ideas? Try them on for size?

If you do, I suggest you combine it with lots of reassurance. "I love you, H. I'll text you when I arrive at the hotel, and I'll text you when I take a bathroom break to let you know I'm safe. I'll text you when I'm in the car driving home."

And when you arrive at home, give him a long, long languid kiss. And tell him you love him.
Marathoner thanks for all your wisdom- sorry he only peck kisses now and I will try anything once I break through. The combination with reassurance is a rockin idea.
-In the morning he finds me and gives me a hug and kiss good bye.
-He comes in I give him a hugging massage.
-Each night I will fetch him grape juice or a snack. Just showin love (new)
-At night I drop what I am doing and tuck him in bed and kiss him, and hug him, and sometimes give him what we call a 2 minute massage.
haha as I write this my H turned on "The best sex a retrospective" wild! Will she get lucky? Not a chance. C'est la vie
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  #17  
Old 01-04-2013, 04:54 AM
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SweetSensations SweetSensations is offline
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Default Thank you for all the help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Re (from SweetSensations, Post #11):


As far as him knowing you're happier, there's a flip side to that. He is the one that gave you the okay to seek outside sex, so, if doing so has made you happier, then it is thanks to him for giving you that permission. I'm not quite sure how you would put that; something like, "Thank you honey, for letting me do this, I know it wasn't easy for you, but it has helped me a lot." Not that it's required that you tell him that, but it's something to think about.

Re:


I'm sorry that you had to go through such an awful time. I'm glad things are looking up a little. I can also see that you truly do love your husband; you cared about how he felt even when you were at such a low yourself.

Re:


Sounds like things are really rocky right now. All I can suggest is reassure him often that you are going to stick with him. I do think he could use some counseling, or you and he could use some couple's counseling, as some kind of insecurity seems to be buried deep inside him.

Re:


I think telling him every sensual detail about your outside encounters would be overkill (and far beyond what he could handle, at least right now). However, letting him know where you're going, and when he can expect you to return, may help him.
Wow I have a lot to cover. I can do it all in time.

He refused counseling but agreed to triangulation where she asked me questions to ask him then report back with body language and answers.
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  #18  
Old 01-04-2013, 07:36 PM
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It sounds like there are some positives in this situation. Just keep taking it slow, you're doing well.
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  #19  
Old 01-05-2013, 11:47 PM
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Originally Posted by SweetSensations View Post
He chose reluctantly option number 2 which was to put up with me going outside the marriage for sex. Thank you so much Tom. Is there anything that would help you if I was your Wife? I am not picking up on you just what would you want to hear to make you feel comfort and loved.
Hi Sweet. I'm happy to hear that your husband has decided to cooperate out of what I know is his love for you. It's understandable that he was reluctant to go with that option at first because it's always a hard decision for a husband to allow another man to have his wife in the sack. That is completely normal. But the key is time. With time and patience, he will soon grow on the concept and accept it to be something good stemming from an unfortunate situation.

During this time, you need to be receptive of his feelings and thoughts. Show him that you care and that you're willing to do what it takes to make him feel comfortable and help him adjust. If he wants to know details of where you're going, when, what you're going to do, etc, tell him. He deserves to be a part of this as much as you are. Show him that you're willing to include him as much as he wants if he wants to be involved. But most importantly, make it clear that your husband comes before your sex buddy. Feel free to PM with any specific or personal questions. Good luck!
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  #20  
Old 01-11-2013, 12:40 AM
Marathoner Marathoner is offline
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In the last week, have your efforts to be reassuring and loving worked?

What about efforts to give him more info? Have you told him when you were going out on a date, where you'd be, and when you'd be back? Does he like this info, or did it backfire?
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