Well, it has been a bit since I've been on, and things had been going well for the most part between me, s, and b, in our triad. It was, at least, until last night. S and I work together and a colleague was having a new years eve wedding which all three of us were invited. I have been looking forward to this opportunity to enjoy a night out with my two loves, no kids, no dogs, no cooking, lol. Many of our coworkers have slowly been introduced to our lifestyle without all the details. For instance, they know I'm married, they know s and I are involved, but many of them likely think that's it. It bothers me that people are assuming I'm unfaithful so it was important to me for people to see us together and seeing the strength and love we all have.
So, we all get dressed, we are looking good, ;-) and we head out to the wedding. All is going wonderfully and I'm taking great care to ensure that s is feeling equal and so is b(although he hasn't had any of these insecurities). We showed appropriate amounts of affection with hand holding, etc,. All of a sudden, in the midst of appetizers, s starts looking uneasy. She is sharing what she's feeling with b who is sitting between us, but I'm unable to hear what she's saying. Initially she doesn't tell me what's up but then she says she's feeling like she is being looked at as "a joke" by people. She felt as people were misunderstanding our relationship. I felt pride and strength. Nobody was giving any hints that there was disapproval our judgment, (not that I would give a rats rear end if they didn't approve). I told s that it doesn't matter what others think and that our commitment was all that was important. This starts morphing into something completely different where s is saying how she will never have the marriage b and I have, how since we have been together for 17 years she is some how a lesser piece of the relationship. B and I try to explain that the triad relationship is developing and that there's nothing that prevents it from becoming a relationship of 17 years as well, but she continues to spiral. This isn't the first time we have had this discussion and I'm starting to be annoyed because we have been looking forward to this outing, and all the communicating we have done in the past and are currently doing is falling on deaf ears. As soon as she sees my frustration she gets more upset...saying please don't be upset at me.. I explain that I'm not upset but that I was just hoping we could have a fun evening.. She said that's what she wants too, but then continues the conversation about how people probably think she's a third wheel etc.. At this point I'm done with the evening and convinced that she has some decisions to make. I told her that b and i are married.. That's nothing we can do to change it and I would not want to. She has to decide whether she can handle being a part of the relationship. I don't want her to feel like she's secondary, I don't want her to feel like a joke. But, I also don't want to run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying too help her feel like an equal only to have her feel this way again. I told her that I'm doing my best that I can't make her feel secure. I love her and she loves me, but I'm not sure she wants to be in a triad. I feel that she has feelings for b, but if she were being totally honest she wants it to be just me and her. B and I aren't perfect, but we are close. We have an ongoing issue that isn't something i can ignore but we are communicating about it and working toward a solution. While I was upset last night, s said to me "why are you so upset with me when you and b have issues? You should be more upset with him than me". The communication b and I have feels productive and comforting. Even if the situation isn't resolved we come to a place of comfort. When s and i communicate, it feels any thing but productive. the conversation goes in destructive circles ending in me being frustrated and her being depressed and in a self punishment type of place. I don't want to lose her, but I fear she can't handle what this is. Any ideas? I know I haven't asked any specific questions, but I'm just hoping for some insight. Am I working for something that is not going to happen?