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  #11  
Old 06-09-2009, 08:01 PM
whitewolfokc whitewolfokc is offline
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I know who I want most. I imagine some would condemn me for the decision, but there is alot of other things that go into the decision and in my heart it is the right one for me. I hate - my god I so hate - having my kids go through this. But I dont believe my heart is going to change on this.

I think what I was mostly hoping from this post is some thoughts on others that have gone through something similar. Most of all I want to salvage what I can and let me and my former wife be friends, though to be honest she is the type that is pretty vindictive and I am difficult seeing that happen at this point. Right now I'm basically still there - feeling trapped - trying to find a peaceful way out that doesnt destroy her. Probably a useless effort, but I do still care about her.

I read something somewhere where this type of things works best with confident and independent people Honestly this my wife was definitely not. She has always had severe self confidence and self worth problems. In fact I think one of the reasons we were together so much at first was my need to help her with that. In the end this happened because I think maybe I got selfish in wanting someone I didnt have to constantly try to build up and is more on equal footing there than me.

In the end she would preferred it was just friends with benefits with this secondary, no feelings or emotions. It was my love for this person that she has never been able to handle. One of her best friends has always told her that he loves her like his wife, and would love to have this kind of close relationship with her. I gave her my blessing on that, but she could never bring herself to be close to him. She can do sex with him, but no emotion. I'm sorry to say I was not able to do that. After all, the woman we did this with I have felt a connection with for over 10 years. Having this happen only solidified the connection we both felt. The love was amazing between us.

Not like anyone here can make any decisions for me. But it is nice to read what others in similar situation may have had to go through.
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  #12  
Old 06-10-2009, 01:29 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Well, not that it helps sort the mess out or help with the grieving, but you've just learned why honesty is so essential in relationships, in general, and poly relationships, in particular. Your wife wasn't honest about her experience and now it's upending three lives.

At this point, I don't see any way to save it. I certainly couldn't trust your wife to be honest about anything after this. If she's too distraught to care about anybody else's pain, she's likely to cut wounds into you and ElfChick that will take a long time to heal and likely preclude any possible strong ties with her, ever.

I can only hurt along with you, for I have no words at hand that I think can help.
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  #13  
Old 06-10-2009, 02:30 AM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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SeventhCrow speaks the truth. I can sympathize greatly with you and your 3rd that you've known for 10 years. Hopefully you can salvage atleast her love out of all of this. It would be a shame for all 3 of your lives to be so damaged by this breakup. I have said to my wife and our 3rd many times that even with our trials, faults, insecurities, etc....this poly life is the best thing for all of us.....each of us would be poorer if we had to live apart and alone. Good luck, my friend.
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  #14  
Old 06-10-2009, 02:58 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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Well, I have a weirder version of what you are going through, but no less tragic.

I was in a MFF triad for about 4 or 5 months. When it was good, it was great. When it was bad, it was horrible. We all wanted it to work, but there were so many issues. The biggest problem was that both of the women had multiple personalities. So there were lots of complications.

One of the women, who I was with first, was really into it half the time and resented it the other half. She was not very in touch with her alternative personalities and changed a lot. She did not want to get help on it. In the end, it broke us up.

I formed a relationship with the other one. It was a nasty break-up. However, years later, I was talking to her and she wished she could have worked out after all.

The relationship with the other woman lasted about 2 more years. However, we still had problems dealing with her personalities. We talked about polyamory, but I didn't think we were stable enough. We tried it. But it was more of a way for her to find a new relationship and move out.

Not sure if that helped, but figured I would offer it anyway.
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  #15  
Old 06-10-2009, 04:01 AM
StarGazer StarGazer is offline
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If I were dating anyone in a multiple system, I'd have to know that all the members were okay with it, or a significant enough portion (or however they deal iwth it- if you've got 20 members, but only 2 ever front, then I'd only need to know the 2 are okay with it, not all 20. Although it'd be great if all 20 were).

Being with a disordered system would be even harder, I'd probably try to slow up and say that this can't work until they improve communication, order, etc but that I'd be there to help. It can be hard to deal with, they definitely need to get a better handle on the system issues and improve relations with their headmates.
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Originally Posted by Pearl S. Buck
The lack of emotional security of our American young people is due, I believe, to their isolation from the larger family unit. No two people - no mere father and mother - as I have often said, are enough to provide emotional security for a child. He needs to feel himself one in a world of kinfolk, persons of variety in age and temperament, and yet allied to himself by an indissoluble bond which he cannot break if he could, for nature has welded him into it before he was born.
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  #16  
Old 06-10-2009, 01:36 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quath View Post
The biggest problem was that both of the women had multiple personalities.
I want to make a joke about being poly with every one of the personalities, but it's your life and I don't wish to make fun of you or your women!
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  #17  
Old 06-10-2009, 02:01 PM
StarGazer StarGazer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
I want to make a joke about being poly with every one of the personalities, but it's your life and I don't wish to make fun of you or your women!
Actually, that's exactly how I'd treat that relationship- unless they were a median, that's a bit tricky to me- I'd treat each individual as their own person, so if I were dating more than one member, I'd be in a polyamorous relationship even if it was with only one body.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pearl S. Buck
The lack of emotional security of our American young people is due, I believe, to their isolation from the larger family unit. No two people - no mere father and mother - as I have often said, are enough to provide emotional security for a child. He needs to feel himself one in a world of kinfolk, persons of variety in age and temperament, and yet allied to himself by an indissoluble bond which he cannot break if he could, for nature has welded him into it before he was born.
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  #18  
Old 06-10-2009, 03:41 PM
whitewolfokc whitewolfokc is offline
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I am still with my wife, but to be honest it's more trying to help her through counseling while we figure out the divorce than anything else. She doesnt want it still, somehow wants me to just forget the other person completely and have everything go back. I love the fact that she's in counseling, but in my heart I know it's over.

And yes, the secondary relationship is very salvageable. She is happy to wait for me for months if necessary for me. I can't hardly even talk to her know due to the arguments it causes, but she knows that is only temporary.
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  #19  
Old 06-10-2009, 04:20 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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White, this sounds like a pretty typical situation to and like someone who had an "affair"....going thru counseling, working thru the divorce, the new woman waiting in the wings for the divorce to be final, etc, etc, etc. I guess to your wife this wasn't poly after all but in her eyes and heart, an affair. It seems sometimes that women, more than men I guess, go thru the "I just want things to go back to the way they were" phase. Even my wife did it.....but for some reason our situation and our 3rd seems to lend itself to us still being able to go poly, hopefully forever. In your case, I guess you could start over with your 3rd, just as many marriages do, and I'm sure many poly relationships do too. Unfortunately, there are no guarentees that even you and your 3rd will be together very long. We change, life changes....why can't we all just love and live, happily ever after?
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  #20  
Old 06-10-2009, 11:10 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
I want to make a joke about being poly with every one of the personalities, but it's your life and I don't wish to make fun of you or your women!
It has been awhile. I can laught at it now.
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