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  #1  
Old 01-01-2013, 01:45 AM
metalkittymeow metalkittymeow is offline
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Default Social Anxiety Sucks!



So I've been looking to find people to date or at least hang out with, but I just can't get the balls to do it. I've had social anxiety for a long long time now and it really affects my happiness. I've tried joining dating sites, and while they do make "regular" dating easier they don't have very many poly people on there. I guess I like talking to people online first. It helps ease me into a relationship whether it's platonic or w.e.. So what should I do? i want to find someone I can relate to but I can't do any group related activities in the first day... it's too much for my body to handle.
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  #2  
Old 01-03-2013, 04:40 AM
HimAndHerInBP HimAndHerInBP is offline
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Well, branch out to multiple venues online since its a comfort zone for you. Anxiety can be a real pain! Craigslist is an option for certain and allows you to be more elaborate on what you're looking for and what you're all about. As for it affecting your happiness? Well, that's a harder one. Either route affects you...anxiety of unhappiness. Need to decide which is worse to deal with.
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  #3  
Old 02-18-2013, 10:14 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HimAndHerInBP View Post
Craigslist is an option for certain and allows you to be more elaborate on what you're looking for and what you're all about.
I'd be...cautious, about Craigslist. My ex used to browse the personals ads for entertainment and there was some stuff she found shook my faith in humanity.

I will never look at 12th century woodcuts the same again.

I know this will be hard for most people here to believe, but I'm actually pretty shy in person. I used to be even worse than I am now and just too terrified to even talk to a woman. Thank gods some people found that attractive XD To this day I still have an extremely hard time going to social events or even just out to a store if I'm by myself.

I'm still not Captain Charisma but I do better now since I adopted the "Fuck Them" principal. Start by examining why you're nervous and it usually relates to doing something stupid in front of the other person or saying something dumb or otherwise coming off as a derp.

Most of the stuff you worry about is a social construct; you feel shame because you're told you're supposed to. Solution: own that shit. "Why, yes I have had sex in church on a Sunday with someone twenty years older than me who I didn't know in the middle of services just because I felt like it. I recommend avoiding using the actual pews themselves as they don't provide sufficient cover and there is NO place to hide the condom afterwards."

It took a lot of years to beat it into my own head but people's opinion of you, the vast majority of them, does not influence your life in any way, shape, or form unless you let it. That's part of where the "Fuck Them" principal comes in; if you're happy and someone else isn't, fuck them. Obviously we temper that with questions like "are you hurting anyone?" and if not, you're clear.

The other part is realizing that the vast majority of people are full of shit. Not intentionally, they're not stupid, they just act on the information they have at hand and that information is usually shit. We are biologically tuned to make snap judgements about people and you aren't going to over-ride millions of years of evolution with the right smile or ensuring you don't accidentally drool while talking. They don't want to know more about you, they've already judged you and very little you say or do will change their initial impression. Couple that with the knowledge that their opinion of you has virtually no power whatsoever and you've achieved near total freedom.

Plus, the right girl/boy(s) don't CARE about the derpy things you do, or at least they shouldn't. My wonderful ladyfriend Shell has this little high pitched "squee" that she does when she's happy and J will do a happy butt-wiggle. Both are qualities they've both decried as embarrassing habits and they're both traits I adore in them. Yeah I've blown the occasional snot bubble, accidentally smacked someone with a plate, and the WORST has to have been burping when going in for a kiss. Ohhh man...and that was on a night I cooked with lots of garlic >.< But you laugh about it for five minutes and it turns into a funny story later or forgotten entirely. My ladyfriends have done their share of derpy things, I cant remember any that didn't end up turning into a hilarious story.

Not sure if this was at all helpful, but I hope it was.
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Last edited by Helo; 02-18-2013 at 10:25 AM.
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Old 02-18-2013, 06:03 PM
ManofDiscovery ManofDiscovery is offline
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I'm very much into the whole 'facing your fears' thing.

Often when you shine a light on a fear, you see that there was nothing to be frightened of. But if you let it fester away in the back of your mind - that's when it has power.

What you want is to feel confident, right? Like you can just go out into the world, and whatever happens...you'll be fine.

How do you get that feeling?

To me, confidence is something that is earned. Everytime you do something that scares you, and you come out of it on the other side, you earn a confidence point. Do this many times, and you get many confidence points, and you become...a confident person.

It's not something you're born with, or that some people just have and others don't. You can have it too, but you have to be willing to really get out there and face your fears.
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Old 02-18-2013, 07:46 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I'm not sure what you mean by 'can't do any group related activities the first day.' ?? Can you elaborate?

I don't have social anxiety, but I do have a physical condition that keeps from doing a regular thing (like every week or every month).

I really like meetup for finding stuff to do. I am signed up with several groups that are very active, they have lots of things going on. So if I find myself with a day when I have strength and interest, I can find an activity to go to.

If you find things you're very interested in, that may help overcome the anxiety about the fact that people are involved. I go to things like discussion groups, in which it's perfectly acceptable to sit and listen. I also like to eat, and there are several social groups that do a dinner thing, and I like those. [which is a huge overcoming for me, in 8th grade, I could not eat in front of other people (besides family)]

It's also not date-focused, it's a way to meet people and think about (without the pressure) 'would I like to date this or that person?' But you don't have to DO anything about it. There's also the wonderful chance that someone might think you'd be a nice person to date, or to introduce to their brother or sister or bff.
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  #6  
Old 02-22-2013, 11:02 PM
Raeiy Raeiy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
I'm not sure what you mean by 'can't do any group related activities the first day.' ?? Can you elaborate?
I don't have social anxiety, though I do have an anxiety issue I'm dealing with, but I am an introvert. As an introvert and someone with an undiagnosed anxiety problem, physical contact with people is literally physically taxing. An hour or two in the company of someone who is not my best friend leaves me with achy joints and at least a splitting headache, in addition to a general all-over tiredness. It may not be as severe for metalkitty, but i know the feeling of wanting to meet people and wanting to hang out and do stuff, sometimes just with them, other times in a group so it doesn't get weird if I freeze up or forget to talk or generally be my charming self, but actually doing something in a group is something I've got to mentally prepare myself for days in advance, because it just cannot happen another way.
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Old 02-25-2013, 03:06 PM
confusedandsuch confusedandsuch is offline
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I'm not sure what you mean by 'can't do any group related activities the first day.' ?? Can you elaborate?

I can't speak for the OP, but I am mildly autistic and am no stranger to social anxiety. In an unfamiliar place or with unfamiliar people, it can very literally take every bit of energy I have to keep myself from going into a meltdown or just taking off. On rough days, I'm even uncomfortable in familiar places just by the addition of someone new to 'my' whole group. It can be physically exhausting to 'put on the costume' for long enough to become comfortable.

All that said, once I am comfortable with a person or group, especially in a familiar 'safe' place, I am perhaps over-social and yet it takes much less energy and I worry very little.


I am a little ashamed to admit this, for some reason, but I've come to realize one of the ways I deal with it all in social situations is by purposely directing attention to my tits, and making somewhat inappropriate conversation.

It lets me figure out who the prudes are immediately, and I am very good at the polite/civil thing and won't waste any effort putting on the me-costume. They get a costume that comes right out of a Miss Manners book, which takes significantly less effort. They aren't likely to become dear friends, though. With folks that respond in kind... well, being 'one of the guys' except with tits is fairly close to 'actual me' when I'm with folks I trust, so while it can be taxing it is a familiar role. Being somewhat predictable, it is somewhat easier for me, and pretty much always the way I handle new people in group situations.

I realize all of that was just a long way of saying 'be yourself, even though it sucks monkey balls sometimes' and offers no real advice, and I'm sorry. Hooray for solidarity?
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  #8  
Old 06-21-2013, 11:08 PM
ChipPaulson ChipPaulson is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by metalkittymeow View Post


So I've been looking to find people to date or at least hang out with, but I just can't get the balls to do it. I've had social anxiety for a long long time now and it really affects my happiness. I've tried joining dating sites, and while they do make "regular" dating easier they don't have very many poly people on there. I guess I like talking to people online first. It helps ease me into a relationship whether it's platonic or w.e.. So what should I do? i want to find someone I can relate to but I can't do any group related activities in the first day... it's too much for my body to handle.
EXPOSURE, EXPOSURE, EXPOSURE! Don`t let a single day go by without atleast some kind of interaction! If you do you will be stuck at the beginning again. If you do it right, you will be able to handle more and more. But i can`t stress enough that you have to get as much exposure as you can as often as you can! And do it for yourself, fuck everybody else!
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  #9  
Old 07-26-2014, 02:05 AM
cuddlecakes cuddlecakes is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by metalkittymeow View Post


So I've been looking to find people to date or at least hang out with, but I just can't get the balls to do it. I've had social anxiety for a long long time now and it really affects my happiness. I've tried joining dating sites, and while they do make "regular" dating easier they don't have very many poly people on there. I guess I like talking to people online first. It helps ease me into a relationship whether it's platonic or w.e.. So what should I do? i want to find someone I can relate to but I can't do any group related activities in the first day... it's too much for my body to handle.
I know this is old, but you've tried OkCupid, right? It has open/poly people on it.

I also have bad social anxiety, which makes dating very difficult and frustrating when my friends/girlfriends have lots of dates and I have zero.
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  #10  
Old 07-27-2014, 01:05 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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BeyondTwo and PolyMatchMaker are also poly-friendly dating sites.
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