Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 12-31-2012, 07:11 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 373
Default The happy post

So I basically have two posts that are going to go up here. One's a nice little life update. The other is the things that had me scared that I ended up putting in my note I typed up. Very different things so I didn't want to do them together.

A few weeks ago I talked with Woodsmith about Dys. She and I were trying to figure out a time to meet which first feel through on her side and the second time on my side (holiday season can suck with trying to meet people for the first time). During that conversation he was a bit apprehensive about the idea of me being in a relationship with a girl. He's fine with the whole fooling around part but wasn't sure how he'd feel about an actual relationship (which I do find kinda funny since most times the guys don't have problems with a girl relationship and balk at one with another guy while he's been extremely supportive and encouraging of my relationship with Primal).

Friday I finally got some one on one time to talk with Primal about Dys. He was very receptive about me meeting her especially with talking about the things we have in common.

Yesterday got a text from Dys seeing if we wanted to have dinner together at a coffeehouse this coming weekend. I talked with Woodsmith about her message to see if he was still uncomfortable about things and he was very encouraging and supportive on me meeting her (almost at the level he's been supportive/encouraging of how things have been going with Primal).
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 12-31-2012, 09:44 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 373
Default The Fears

1) I am scared that I can't count on Woodsmith. Don't get me wrong I love him completely but I still hurt from him not being there for me emotional or in an effort to help out around the house when I was dealing with my depression. And when things start to get better he goes and does something that takes it back (such as not talking to the old apartment to set up a payment plan while he's off and I have been working, not contacting the person he knows that could perform our wedding, getting too drunk to get me home after I told him I needed to be home that night for a drug test the next day-thankfully a friend brought me home).

2) I am scared that I am an option for people I've made priorities. I hate feeling like they want me when and how they do but other than those times and ways they could care less. I hate not being a part of making plans. I know this has been worse because of the holiday season but it sucks that of the rest of the family I've probably only seen each person 2 or 3 days throughout the entire month of December.

3) I'm financially scared. I've been keeping it a secret how bad off I am but since my time in the hospital I haven't been able to pay all of my debt. I've finally gotten it down to $2200 but that has been since July and I'm still working on it. And now I'm working a job where I make less money so that's going to be hard.

4) I'm scared of my health. My new insurance doesn't start until April. I'll be out of my anti-depressants in 2 months. My spine and most of the joints (knee, ankle, hip, shoulder, wrist) on my right side have been in significant pain for a couple of weeks to the point I can barely sleep because of the pain. I also haven't been able to be as physically active as normal because after doing so for some period of time (which of course is not ever set) I'll start feeling like my chest and heart are caving in.

5) I'm scared of my mental health. I still haven't dealt with losing my cat Bandit. I've been feeling a disconnect from animals and nature. I'm not able to find beauty in everything anymore. I'm afraid if I keep trying to pretend to be okay when I'm not that my body will just give out. But I'm afraid if I don't try to pretend I'll lose control of my depression.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 01-01-2013, 11:09 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,041
Default

I think, sometimes, being able to sort through your fears, as you have done here, can help you see what can be done to address them individually rather than have an overwhelming mass of "Aack, all these things ...I can't cope."

Quote:
Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
My new insurance doesn't start until April. I'll be out of my anti-depressants in 2 months.
Just a couple of thoughts here.

A lot of doctor's don't like to refill prescriptions if you haven't had your regular follow-up appointments - but will work with you if they know the situation. For instance, you could go ahead and schedule an appointment for April, when you have insurance, and then write a letter to the Doc. "Hello, I'm CG, I'm on xxx-Rx. I have an appointment scheduled with you on 4/1/13 - when my insurance kicks in. I will be out of my meds on 2/x/13. Would it be possible for me to call the week before I run out and have you refill my prescription just through my appointment?" Sometimes that will work, or they will insist on you having an appointment but may be able to give you a "cash-discount" (at my doctor's office it is 30%) if you pay at the time of the appointment.

If the problem is that the med itself is too expensive to afford without insurance: a.) your doctor's office may have samples b.) you can call around and see if it is cheaper at a different pharmacy (different pharmacies get different drugs at different prices from the manufacturer - so the cash price is not always the same) c.) brand-name meds may be available via "Patient Assistance Programs" direct from the manufacturer (requires coordination with your doctor) d.) you could consider changing to one of the generics on the $4 list at the chain pharmacies (maybe something that sort of worked for you before even if it wasn't as good as what you are on now).

My point is - abruptly stopping anti-depressants can be a very bad idea. Especially the ones with a shorter half-life (Effexor/venlafaxine in particular can have some significant withdrawal symptoms if you don't taper it); especially when you are still having problems with anxiety/depression.

Don't know if any of that is helpful.

JaneQ

PS. Good work on paying down your debt! Keep chipping away at it - it will feel so good when it is finally gone. Even just watching the number go down, instead of up, can give you a boost.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 01-01-2013, 11:10 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,041
Default

I think, sometimes, being able to sort through your fears, as you have done here, can help you see what can be done to address them individually rather than have an overwhelming mass of "Aack, all these things ...I can't cope."

Quote:
Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
My new insurance doesn't start until April. I'll be out of my anti-depressants in 2 months.
Just a couple of thoughts here.

A lot of doctor's don't like to refill prescriptions if you haven't had your regular follow-up appointments - but will work with you if they know the situation. For instance, you could go ahead and schedule an appointment for April, when you have insurance, and then write a letter to the Doc. "Hello, I'm CG, I'm on xxx-Rx. I have an appointment scheduled with you on 4/1/13 - when my insurance kicks in. I will be out of my meds on 2/x/13. Would it be possible for me to call the week before I run out and have you refill my prescription just through my appointment?" Sometimes that will work, or they will insist on you having an appointment but may be able to give you a "cash-discount" (at my doctor's office it is 30%) if you pay at the time of the appointment.

If the problem is that the med itself is too expensive to afford without insurance: a.) your doctor's office may have samples (or rebate cards - sometimes you can also find manufacturer rebate offers online, you do need a valid prescription to go with them) b.) you can call around and see if it is cheaper at a different pharmacy (different pharmacies get different drugs at different prices from the manufacturer - so the cash price is NOT always the same) c.) brand-name meds may be available via "Patient Assistance Programs" direct from the manufacturer (requires coordination with your doctor) d.) you could consider changing to one of the generics on the $4 list at the chain pharmacies (maybe something that sort of worked for you before even if it wasn't as good as what you are on now).

My point is - abruptly stopping anti-depressants can be a very bad idea. Especially the ones with a shorter half-life (Effexor/venlafaxine in particular can have some significant withdrawal symptoms if you don't taper it); especially when you are still having problems with anxiety/depression.

Don't know if any of that is helpful.

JaneQ

PS. Good work on paying down your debt! Keep chipping away at it - it will feel so good when it is finally gone. Even just watching the number go down, instead of up, can give you a boost.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 01-07-2013, 05:57 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 373
Default I hate love

that is all.

I just want to cry and leave and smack everyone in this house for being fucking assholes.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 01-09-2013, 03:32 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: East Coast, U.S.
Posts: 348
Default

Why don't you truly leave, then, if they are making you so unhappy? Can you make plans to move out?

I strongly suspect there are people out there who could be more supportive of you than this particular group of very interconnected people.
__________________
Single, straight, female, solo, non-monogamous.
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 01-09-2013, 11:46 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 373
Default

Probably because I have a bad tendency to blog when I'm in a depression than not.

So things really aren't ever as bad in the relationships as they seem but I can start spiraling down a dark hole at times.

Got a chance to talk with both Woodsmith and Primal on my fears and the three of us have started trying to figure out ways to help them fade away.

I also get to have dinner with Dys Friday.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 01-14-2013, 10:47 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 373
Default

I'm proud of myself. I decided that when it comes to my relationships I'm going to first be concerned with my needs rather than if it may cause upset to my metamours since if I cave to their fears I end up upset.

In doing so I established what my needs are and have been told that they are fine and will be met by Primal.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 01-20-2013, 05:35 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 373
Default

I'm so scared and my nerves are shot. I just had my third 2/3 minute palpitation of the day hit me. I still don't know when they'll happen but they are getting more frequent. April and the start of my health insurance can't come soon enough.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 02-14-2013, 04:22 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 373
Default Valentine's Day anxiety

And I don't know how to deal with it.

Part 1) First Valentine's Day when I have two serious relationships going on. So that's excited anxiety but it still gets translated by my body and mind as generalized bad anxiety.

Part 2) I'm still poor. And because of that I don't know what I can do with or go to with either boy for something for us to just have between tomorrow and Sunday (because I know that things for everyone in the family being able to be done on V-Day is impossible). And that breaks me because I want to have something that we are able to do for the day and I don't know what to do.

On another note I guess things with Dys never worked out well. We had our lunch date which went well enough that neither of us realized that we had spent 4 hours together but even when I've sent messages to her no reply. It happens. Now I guess to see if another girl I like wanders my way.

Tomorrow is going to suck. And I don't even know if I can mention it to anyone in the family, or how.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:20 PM.