Can I get a bit of feedback?

[GalaGirl]

Disclaimer: I haven't read the others replies. Just the original post.

My advice? BREATHE, BREATHE. Remember nobody is going anywhere yet that is past the point of no return.

Emotion is just internal weather. Rain is rain. Sun is sun. Emotion is emotion. Some of it is yummy to feel. Some of it is yucky. Let it blow on through.

So you found an area where it feel yucky. Imagining him with another lover feel vomitous to you today. Ok. Acknowledged. Plant a mental flag there.

You could call this leg the "just ID things" part in your mental journey as you contemplate pursuing this friend. You could give yourself permission to just BE at that stage right now. ID and flag for deeper assessment later. That could help reduce the "overwhelm factor." Expect LESS of yourself. Be OK being a newbie here.

Maybe this one area always will bug you. Maybe it will feel different tomorrow, next year, next decade. That we cannot know for sure at THIS point in time, right? So just... ID and flag.

When the time comes to assess and contemplate possible solutions... You don't have to DO anything about emotions if you do not want to. That's choosing to let it just... pass on through and give it time. Sometimes the passing of time solves it, or changes it so it's not so hard to deal with.

You could choose other behaviors to address your emotional management too -- talk to a friend, write in a journal, not pick at it like a thought scab, etc. It's good you try to write in this forum. WTG!

Maybe you want a blog thread so collect all this in? In the blog thread area?

Try different behaviors to see what works, then remember it for your "emotional coping toolbox." Stuff that doesn't work -- well, stop that and try a new behavior.

Am I being utterly unfair in this? Does this make me a terrible person?

No. You are experiencing lots of new thoughts/feelings, and some of it feels yummy (like the crushy feelings for your friend) and some of it feels yucky (like dealing with the thought of DH with another person.) That's just Life. Some things are fun to feel. Some are not. In the mental exploration of all this new stuff -- I think it could be easier for you and your anxiety level if you could acknowledge that to yourself. Something like...

"Yeah. Some of it feels fun and some of it just doesn't. But this is all in my head, a safe space to try things on. NOBODY is being hurt here. NOBODY has done anything here."

If it helps you feel any better, in my own Opening Talks with DH I told him point blank "Well, if we're Identifying Options and Possibilities? The easiest one for ME is being the hinge and no metas on the V arms. Tada!" and he just laughed and agreed. Just 3 people in the polyship to have to accommodate. More people in the mix = more wants, needs, and limits to have to coordinate and try to meet. That doesn't make me a horrible person to state it and simply acknowledge that it's the easier workload on ME. It would be!

I've pretty much pinpointed my UGH with imagining DH with another as fear of the unknown nutjob stranger. He's precious to me, and it makes me feel grody to think about him being hurt somehow. I imagine with people I already know, or close friends and there is no vomitous. I imagine him with someone I don't know and here it comes -- Anxiety Train. So I don't know if sharing that helps you as you sort out your feelings.

I have anxiety myself -- so for anxiety management? Watching out for emotional flooding times? Or panic attacks? Some uncomfortable thoughts that I have, I just have to vulture. Think it, let it go, think of something else. Think it next time for a bit longer, then let it go. Like spiraling around it and coming closer for a stab at it and them fly off. Because it's too big to take on straight up. Break it down into smaller bits. I don't want to trigger a THING -- either an emotional flood or a panic attack and then have to deal with the original thing and then THAT too!

I don't know if any of that helps with anxiety management.

But remember to BREATHE. You don't have to know everything all at once. And the not knowing? It doesn't have to be disaster. You are safe, with your safe people. You are not in danger. Could remind yourself of these things and do a little self reassure/TLC when you need it.

Hang in there.

Galagirl

[Anneintherain]

What a lot of people do is just ignore responses they don't find helpful, especially if you tell them that you don't find it helpful and they respond again in a way that doesn't make you feel they understand what you are saying. You don't owe it to anybody to explain yourself, and are probably more likely going to be derailed from getting advice you will find useful if you get sidetracked getting into a debate about it. You can ask for specific advice only all you want, but people will say what they think might be helpful, or ask things to clarify your situation so they can give the best advice possible.

Sometimes other people's communication styles are just vastly different than ours. I didn't think he was being condescending, or anything at all for what it's worth, just trying to be helpful coming from his own experiences. When you ask for advice on public forums, your responses will run the gamut and you can't really do anything about that.

"Do I need to ask for people to not assume DH and I want to explore poly to its fullest limits or that we both necessarily want other lovers" Well, yes, you probably do if you want the advice to be specific to that goal - or at least state that you are only asking about having non-sexual relationships. #1 not everybody will read all the posts you have written before responding to a thread, and #2, right or wrong, people may assume that if you're talking about a romantic relationship that sex is either a component, or something you would like to be involved at some point (also lots of people don't read follow up clarifications, so if you say it further along, they might not even see it and only be responding to your original post). I happened to make that assumption myself from your first post.

Anyway, I hope misunderstandings dont keep you from feeling free to post and ask anything you want. Hopefully you aren't still worrying that it's bad you aren't comfortable with him having the same sort of relationship you do when he says he is fine with it, but if you are, that is a good thing to work on in either individual or joint counseling. Maybe you'll find this article helpful.

[UpsideDown]

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

So you found an area where it feel yucky. Imagining him with another lover feel vomitous to you today. Ok. Acknowledged. Plant a mental flag there...

Maybe this one area always will bug you. Maybe it will feel different tomorrow, next year, next decade. That we cannot know for sure at THIS point in time, right? So just... ID and flag.

I think that's wonderful advice. I was, and am, trying to get ahead of some of the snowballing that this feels like sometimes, but as DH hasn't, as yet, asked to have another partner of his own, perhaps just coming back and revisiting it, periodically, will be more helpful.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

You could choose other behaviors to address your emotional management too -- talk to a friend, write in a journal, not pick at it like a thought scab, etc. It's good you try to write in this forum. WTG!

Maybe you want a blog thread so collect all this in? In the blog thread area?

Not really sure I want to blog it all out, and the only poly friends we have are CG and her primary and I don't want to overwhelm them with this (relatively minor for them, but big for me) thing. I've started a dialogue with a mutual friend of ours who already knows about the whole thing, and a few PMs here with other people have been fairly helpful.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl

I've pretty much pinpointed my UGH with imagining DH with another as fear of the unknown nutjob stranger. He's precious to me, and it makes me feel grody to think about him being hurt somehow. I imagine with people I already know, or close friends and there is no vomitous. I imagine him with someone I don't know and here it comes -- Anxiety Train. So I don't know if sharing that helps you as you sort out your feelings.

A bit. My anxiety train seems to start at the idea of him touching someone else for more than practical purposes (dancing involves a lot of touch, for example, and that doesn't bother me at all...nor does it bother me to see him in a big sleepy pile with a group of friends). It's the whole fact that his nature intertwines sex and romance so much, mine does not, and I get jittery.

I am less so when not focused on this specific issue, however, which was simply something I felt I should emotionally address as a measure of fore-thought and fairness.

[UpsideDown]

Originally Posted by Anneintherain

What a lot of people do is just ignore responses they don't find helpful, especially if you tell them that you don't find it helpful and they respond again in a way that doesn't make you feel they understand what you are saying.

I'm seeing that is the case here. I've not had that experience in the rest of my internet life, so that wasn't my default setting. I just can't understand why someone would feel a need to keep pushing when they've been told that their advice to a stranger is being ill received.

Originally Posted by Anneintherain

Sometimes other people's communication styles are just vastly different than ours. I didn't think he was being condescending, or anything at all for what it's worth, just trying to be helpful coming from his own experiences. When you ask for advice on public forums, your responses will run the gamut and you can't really do anything about that.

Entirely possible.

Originally Posted by Anneintherain

#1 not everybody will read all the posts you have written before responding to a thread, and #2, right or wrong, people may assume that if you're talking about a romantic relationship that sex is either a component, or something you would like to be involved at some point (also lots of people don't read follow up clarifications, so if you say it further along, they might not even see it and only be responding to your original post). I happened to make that assumption myself from your first post.

I wish I had been able to edit and incorporate information from posts down-thread into the original, once it became clear, but I wasn't ware of how to phrase it best. I'm new, and still getting the hang of both this online community and its best practices.

Originally Posted by Anneintherain

Anyway, I hope misunderstandings dont keep you from feeling free to post and ask anything you want. Hopefully you aren't still worrying that it's bad you aren't comfortable with him having the same sort of relationship you do when he says he is fine with it, but if you are, that is a good thing to work on in either individual or joint counseling. Maybe you'll find this article helpful.

Thank you for the link. We're searching our insurance for a poly-friendly therapist, just for the ability to talk these things out with a disinterested third party, and we've signed up for a local poly-workshop. We shall see how that goes.

[FullofLove1052]

I can't tell you what's right, wrong, or unfair but sometimes in poly, things aren't equal. In my case, it was my husband who had an element of discomfort upon my revelation that I was poly. He would never be OK with me having another relationship with a man outside of him. Fortunately for him and us, I don't have that desire either. Doesn't tickle my fancy. In the beginning, he was happy/relieved that the other person I wanted to be with was a female.

Your husband may very well end up staying mono, and your situation could end up being a V, with you being the hinge. Poly is not for everyone, and if that's not what he wants, that's just the way it is. Kudos to you for giving him the option and the choice.

Could your feelings of disgust stem from the fact that for years, that intimate bond has only been between the two of you? Why does it bother you that some other woman could potentially--not definitely--be getting what I presume to be half of you? (I view my husband as the other half to my heart's duet.)

What about a potential threat or insecurity? Some women view other women as a threat and it tampers with their confidence. Whereas before, you might have been wholly confident and secure in your relationship and your role as his wife and mother to his children. Now, there is a chance that someone else that can fit that tab sans the title of wife. She could still the be mother to his children. She could still be his confidante. She could still be his best friend or one of them. She could still be the woman or one of the women he could spend the rest of his life with. Is it possible that you are feeling that? You stated that you don't mind if he finds women attractive or vice versa, but you don't want to think about him being with anyone but you. It's rather possible that the thought of another woman giving him something or having something that you can't/don't have threatens you.

How do you think he really feels about your desire to be with someone else? Does it seem like he is bothered, or does not feel like he is adequate enough to meet your needs? Did he have a lot of questions, or was it more listening to you done on his end?

As far as the CG, take it one day at a time. Feeling and emotions are just that. No one says you have to act on them. Sort of like...I may love you, but we do not need to be together for this reason or that reason.

Seek clarity as to why the thought of him being with someone else bothers you. Do you have any qualms with seeking someone outside of your marriage? Talk to your husband and see how he really feels. Not a surface answer like, "If it makes you happy, I'm happy." Delve a little deeper. Keep communicating with the both of them--separately and jointly. Good luck with the therapist and the workshop! Happy New Year!

[UpsideDown]

Originally Posted by FullofLove1052

I can't tell you what's right, wrong, or unfair but sometimes in poly, things aren't equal. In my case, it was my husband who had an element of discomfort upon my revelation that I was poly. He would never be OK with me having another relationship with a man outside of him. Fortunately for him and us, I don't have that desire either. Doesn't tickle my fancy. In the beginning, he was happy/relieved that the other person I wanted to be with was a female.

Your husband may very well end up staying mono, and your situation could end up being a V, with you being the hinge. Poly is not for everyone, and if that's not what he wants, that's just the way it is. Kudos to you for giving him the option and the choice.

It seems that way. DH, like your husband, would have felt hurt had I wanted a relationship with another man. I didn't, don't, and never have. CG, on the other hand, offers me a different set of experiences that are utterly different than the relationship I have with him and he doesn't feel particularly threatened by her...partially because she is female, yes, but also because he knows her well and she has no desire for a long-term, serious, partnership with me. Also in play is the fact that I move incredibly slowly, sexually and physically.

Originally Posted by FullofLove1052

Could your feelings of disgust stem from the fact that for years, that intimate bond has only been between the two of you? Why does it bother you that some other woman could potentially--not definitely--be getting what I presume to be half of you? (I view my husband as the other half to my heart's duet.)

There's some of that. I don't feel like our marriage would be at risk, or that he'd want a second wife/mother-to-his-children/etc. We already live in quite the village, with roommates and close friends that are in our lives deeply for periods. For me, the discomfort stems from the idea of him sharing something that, up until now, has only been ours. Sex, for us, has always been intertwined with our love for each other, our desire to grow old together, our spirituality and our home.

Originally Posted by FullofLove1052

How do you think he really feels about your desire to be with someone else? Does it seem like he is bothered, or does not feel like he is adequate enough to meet your needs? Did he have a lot of questions, or was it more listening to you done on his end? ... Seek clarity as to why the thought of him being with someone else bothers you. Do you have any qualms with seeking someone outside of your marriage? Talk to your husband and see how he really feels. Not a surface answer like, "If it makes you happy, I'm happy." Delve a little deeper. Keep communicating with the both of them--separately and jointly. Good luck with the therapist and the workshop!

He listened, asked questions, expressed fears. We talked to each other and to her (and her primary BF). He thinks it has to potential to be something quite lovely for she and I to explore, so long as he's not left out of the goings-on in my head/heart. He doesn't want me engaging in a D/s relationship with her (even though we're both kinda kinky), and he's unsure of how he feels about she and I blatantly fucking, but as I see this relationship as one of more-intimate friendship with physical aspects to it, not something overtly sexual, he's happy that the part of me interested in women has (perhaps) found a way to be expressed.

He's the one that found this forum, the workshop, and is doing the legwork on the therapist hunt. He also shoos me out the door to spend time with her, and delights in my moments of "squee" she she holds my hand, or when she kissed me goodbye at the airport. As an open and honest communicator, I've yet to see him balk in anyway other than confusion or passing fears/concerns...which we then talk about at length.

Also comforting to me and he, CG does not date couples or engage in threesomes, as a rule. This makes your situation one that is highly unlikely, even if it was something he started to desire.

Originally Posted by FullofLove1052

As far as the CG, take it one day at a time. Feeling and emotions are just that. No one says you have to act on them. Sort of like...I may love you, but we do not need to be together for this reason or that reason.

If it never goes any further than it has, I will be alright. I have a vague yearning, a deplorably large crush on her, and an acute desire to sweep her into my arms and kiss her when I see her, to snuggle on a couch with her and do nothing. Oftentimes she is alright with the cuddling; rarely but occasionally she is willing to indulge the kissing. It may go further, it may not. Regardless, I do not think I will be out looking for a woman to date. The education (reading, workshops, therapy) are being done in prep for the possibility...if it does not transpire then I've learned a lot about the way other people relate, a bit about my own feelings, and I can set this whole thing aside.