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  #11  
Old 12-28-2009, 02:56 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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It is very similar to coming out gay I think. Some parents are very upset at the prospect, but after awhile, many come to accept it. (Hell, look at Dick Cheney!)

So I would suggest that you keep not hiding your polyamorousness (is that even a word?). Treat it as if you were gay and they did not approve. If they want you over to their house and do not want your other partners, then you can respectfully decline. Eventually, she may meet your partners and realize everything is not as bad as she imagines.

I wish you well.
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  #12  
Old 12-28-2009, 03:45 AM
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Originally Posted by ladyjools View Post
I feel like i am going to have some difficult times on my hands
she is going to crazy extreems saying that she thinks R must be some kind of predetor or criminal (due to him being 10 years older than me)
Oh Jools... do we have the same mother?! Mine thought Mono was a child molester and told our family doctor. We were directed to have our boy taken in for examination...

She sounds a lot like mine. DANGEROUS! be careful my friend. No kids is probably in your favor, but she can do other damage to his name (my mum didn't stop short of just the one thing. She said all kinds of nasty things to people about Mono!).

Does he really have to move in? Can he not move into a roommate situation? or on his own until the family settles? Geezuz, I'm scared for you. When parents start talking like that it's SCARY not to mention crazy. My mum got all kinds of crazy notions in her head.

I hate to sound paranoid, but as I was la-de-daing through my NRE thinking Mono could move in and wouldn't it be great to tell the world about how happy we are and all cozy familyish, she was losing it and our world ended up collapsing around us. It's taken months to sort out and still isn't entirely.

I'm just asking that you check that you aren't a bit NRE about the whole thing first. Sure it would be great to have all your guys together, but I just don't want to see it cost you your extended family as it did with me. Ya, we have a child, but Mono doesn't live with us.... kinda evens out, kinda...

anyway, perhaps I'm over reacting. If I am GREAT! If not though..... just check with yourself and go over what she is like in your head first and ask if this is the right time yet and what you maybe should do first.
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  #13  
Old 12-30-2009, 12:21 AM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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Quote:
Oh Jools... do we have the same mother?!
From reading some of your previous posts i think we might, lol
or at least if i did have a child i am pretty certian my own mother would do exactly the same.

Quote:
Does he really have to move in? Can he not move into a roommate situation? or on his own until the family settles? Geezuz, I'm scared for you. When parents start talking like that it's SCARY not to mention crazy. My mum got all kinds of crazy notions in her head.
he doesn't HAVE to move in, there are other options, if i had kids he would not be moving in now. There is still NRE, but i am also self aware enough to think things through and come to a desision based on more than just the NRE feelings. It is very practical for us because we need usually have a lodger and would be looking for a new one anyway, and he will be saving a lot of money to stay here with us than he currently has to pay to stay where he is at, and money is tight these days.

We are out as poly and have been for long time so its not new my mum has known im poly for least a couple of years its the same debate with her over and over again as far as everyone else friends, work of all 3 of us everyone knows we are poly and its fine, some people ask some stupid questions some say that they don't belive it can work but actually they can't do anything to hurt us,

but i do take ur concerns about him moving in seriously Redpepper because i am usually not the first to recomend people start living together, and its not something i take lightly at all. This is not something i view as only going to be romantic i expect a lot of challanges.

As for my Mum
i haven't spoken to her since christmas

Jools

Last edited by NeonKaos; 12-30-2009 at 03:18 PM. Reason: quote formatting
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  #14  
Old 12-30-2009, 07:47 AM
JonnyAce JonnyAce is offline
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Jools,

I'm sorry you haven't spoken to your mom since xmas, it is very difficult to make that decision. i dread the day that my mom has this reaction, as when i told her i was in a poly relationship, she told me that she would never be able to accept any other partners besides JustChristine, and would not be able to be around them. i don't want to hijack this thread as it's not about me. just know that my heart goes out to you, and i hope things get better with time.

*HUGS*
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  #15  
Old 12-30-2009, 02:14 PM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JonnyAce View Post
Jools,

I'm sorry you haven't spoken to your mom since xmas, it is very difficult to make that decision. i dread the day that my mom has this reaction, as when i told her i was in a poly relationship, she told me that she would never be able to accept any other partners besides JustChristine, and would not be able to be around them. i don't want to hijack this thread as it's not about me. just know that my heart goes out to you, and i hope things get better with time.

*HUGS*

feel free to talk about your own situation, as 2 heads are better than one to come up with any kind of solution,

i am thinking of phoning my mum soon, at least to wish her a happy new year, i will talk about montianboy and R as normal and see how she reacts but im guessing she will be telling me personally soon that she is going to refuse to meet R, so far she has only told montianboy this. My plan is to stay calm and not get over emtional. Accept that this is how she feels for now but explain to her that long term it might be difficult becuase R is going to be part of my family and living here with us avoiding him will be difficult.

Jools
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  #16  
Old 12-30-2009, 10:08 PM
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ourquad ourquad is offline
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I really do not know what to say to you. I have no advice at all. I can certainly empathize.

This is the first visit my mom has made (she always stays with my sister) since I told her the last time she was down. Things are a bit strained. She doesn't seem to treat Gator the same as she did. For some reason she blames him and thinks I'm only doing this to "keep him". Actually, I'm learning that all my sisters feel that way as well.

We've always been extremely close to each other but I don't know if that will continue as it has in the past. I've been extremely sad since she has been here.

I hate dishonesty but wonder if I should have just kept this all to myself.
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  #17  
Old 12-30-2009, 10:16 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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If it's any consolation at all, one of the more common reactions we have had when we have "come out" to friends is to pity my mono partner, and assume that she is "putting up with it" for whatever reason, but is definitely the injured party. I think she has spent more time putting that misunderstanding to rest than anything else when it comes to explaining poly.
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  #18  
Old 12-31-2009, 12:26 AM
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I hate dishonesty but wonder if I should have just kept this all to myself.
yup, I feel ya.

Major holidays just suck for this kind of thing!
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  #19  
Old 12-31-2009, 04:14 AM
LuvNWonder LuvNWonder is offline
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Wow. It never even occurred to me in the past 30 years to come out about *any* of this (bisexual, poly, non-monogamy) to *any* of my family.
Consider this...when my (42 year old) cousin had a child out of wedlock (*gasp*) with one of his girlfriends and they decided not to get married as a result (*gasp*) my mother's comment was "Oh...there is just no way I can accept that", meaning she feels compelled to state to anyone who will listen how wrong all of it is, and that if she see's this cousin again she will be distant and cold but never say anything about it and that she has no need to *ever* go anywhere near the child if at all possible.
This cousin was my closest friend when growing up, almost a son to my mother when we were young. and my mother is the most *tolerant* of my family.

Yeah. not ever sharing any of this with family, and if it ever comes out I'll decide to enjoy the blissful silence of them never speaking to me again. might even laugh ecstatically about it.

Brian
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  #20  
Old 12-31-2009, 04:58 AM
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good for you, wish I had thought of that
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