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Old 12-31-2012, 02:08 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467
Default GF split with secondary - shutting me out

Hi guys,

My GF has just broken up with her secondary (P) of two years. She is distraught... and to make matters worse... we are currently in two separate countries; so I cannot be there for her in person. Furthermore... it is her nature to slam the walls up when she's hurt. She completely shuts me, and everyone else, out. Also, she is being extremely cold and hostile towards me. I have a feeling that she also blames me for their split.

I am looking for constructive advice on how to help a partner who is one or all of these things:
a) going through a breakup with another partner
b) usually shuts you out instead of turning to you
c) blames you for their breakup
d) is hostile, cruel and confrontational through their pain

I am trying to find the right things to say, trying to find a way to help her... I could really use some advice.


My girlfriend and P used to be deeply in love. Over the past 6-12 months, they've gradually drifted. He and I are very close. He came to me a couple of weeks ago for advice. He said that his feelings had changed and that he still loved her dearly as a friend, but the D/s, sexual and romantic side felt forced to him now. My GF has suffered from clinical depression in the past and emotional events can take her back to a dark place. I am going back to her country in March... and P decided he would be better waiting until then, to let it drift of it's own accord and wait until I was there in person to support her. I thought this might be a good option.

About a week later, GF also told me that she wasn't sure she loved P any more, wanted to explore another submissive she's met and that she didn't know what to do about it. She asked me my thoughts, then point-blank asked me if I knew anything. I said no. Then I froze. I cannot lie to her and felt so stuck. How could I betray his confidence? How could I keep something so huge from her? How could I watch them both suffer with unnecessary guilt? So I told her the truth - that he felt the same way. When each of them came to me, I had asked them how they would feel if the other one broke it off. Both of them said relieved. This is the *only* reason (apart from not wanting to lie to GF) that I told her. I felt beyond awful; but she said she was truly relieved and glad and happy that I didn't keep it from her.

Two weeks passed and though she brought it up to me, she did not seem overly upset. Today, she suddenly raised it with him and ended it. She is now distraught. She is also being incredibly cold towards me. She would not talk to me. She told me to just leave her alone - but when I agreed to.... she told me that I obviously didn't care and that, fine, she'd deal on her own. Then, when I tried to stay again, she pushed me away again. Basically lashing out. It was very messy.

Then, strangely, she said that actually she never wanted to end it with him. She felt she had to, for his happiness. When I reminded her, gently, that she had told me she had fallen out of love with him *before* I broke his confidence, she told me that she was making it up, to see if I knew anything... and that she wasn't being honest with herself or me. That she was still in love with him and trying to put on a brave face. I knew it would be a very big, upsetting time when she did end it... but I did not expect this U-turn of her telling me that she is still in love with him. If I'd known she was still in love with him, I would not have told her. I have no idea what to do for her now. And I feel horrendous about breaking his confidence, which is a huge deal to me.
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha

Last edited by sparklepop; 12-31-2012 at 02:42 AM.
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blame, breakup, comfort, ending, secondary partners

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