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Old 12-31-2012, 02:08 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467
Default GF split with secondary - shutting me out

Hi guys,

My GF has just broken up with her secondary (P) of two years. She is distraught... and to make matters worse... we are currently in two separate countries; so I cannot be there for her in person. Furthermore... it is her nature to slam the walls up when she's hurt. She completely shuts me, and everyone else, out. Also, she is being extremely cold and hostile towards me. I have a feeling that she also blames me for their split.

I am looking for constructive advice on how to help a partner who is one or all of these things:
a) going through a breakup with another partner
b) usually shuts you out instead of turning to you
c) blames you for their breakup
d) is hostile, cruel and confrontational through their pain

I am trying to find the right things to say, trying to find a way to help her... I could really use some advice.


My girlfriend and P used to be deeply in love. Over the past 6-12 months, they've gradually drifted. He and I are very close. He came to me a couple of weeks ago for advice. He said that his feelings had changed and that he still loved her dearly as a friend, but the D/s, sexual and romantic side felt forced to him now. My GF has suffered from clinical depression in the past and emotional events can take her back to a dark place. I am going back to her country in March... and P decided he would be better waiting until then, to let it drift of it's own accord and wait until I was there in person to support her. I thought this might be a good option.

About a week later, GF also told me that she wasn't sure she loved P any more, wanted to explore another submissive she's met and that she didn't know what to do about it. She asked me my thoughts, then point-blank asked me if I knew anything. I said no. Then I froze. I cannot lie to her and felt so stuck. How could I betray his confidence? How could I keep something so huge from her? How could I watch them both suffer with unnecessary guilt? So I told her the truth - that he felt the same way. When each of them came to me, I had asked them how they would feel if the other one broke it off. Both of them said relieved. This is the *only* reason (apart from not wanting to lie to GF) that I told her. I felt beyond awful; but she said she was truly relieved and glad and happy that I didn't keep it from her.

Two weeks passed and though she brought it up to me, she did not seem overly upset. Today, she suddenly raised it with him and ended it. She is now distraught. She is also being incredibly cold towards me. She would not talk to me. She told me to just leave her alone - but when I agreed to.... she told me that I obviously didn't care and that, fine, she'd deal on her own. Then, when I tried to stay again, she pushed me away again. Basically lashing out. It was very messy.

Then, strangely, she said that actually she never wanted to end it with him. She felt she had to, for his happiness. When I reminded her, gently, that she had told me she had fallen out of love with him *before* I broke his confidence, she told me that she was making it up, to see if I knew anything... and that she wasn't being honest with herself or me. That she was still in love with him and trying to put on a brave face. I knew it would be a very big, upsetting time when she did end it... but I did not expect this U-turn of her telling me that she is still in love with him. If I'd known she was still in love with him, I would not have told her. I have no idea what to do for her now. And I feel horrendous about breaking his confidence, which is a huge deal to me.
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha

Last edited by sparklepop; 12-31-2012 at 02:42 AM.
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Old 12-31-2012, 03:31 AM
toodles toodles is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 4

Hi sparkle. I follow your threads and I'm sorry to hear your girlfriend has split with her other lover. Firstly, I know you came looking for advice on how to help her and I'll get to that in a minute. But I have to say, it really wasn't fair of her to put you in that position and basically cheat you out of keeping his confidence. It's not fair that you betrayed your friend to help her and now, worst of all, she's throwing it back at you. It sounds to me that she's either a bit manipulative (sorry) or she's not in touch with her emotions, if she didn't know she loved him and if she's asking you to leave her alone, then having a go at you when you try to.

Its really hard to help someone who shuts down. My ex used to do that and not in a calm way. Any time she was upset or angry about anything, she'd take it out on me. I never understood it, so I don't know how to help you. But in terms of what you can do for her, if its her normal way of dealing with things then leave her to it. There's nothing you can do all the way over there. Just send her a message later or tomorrow and remind her that you are there. If she starts lashing out at you, just back off. Eventually she'll calm down. When she does, if she still seems to blame you, maybe you can talk to her about that. The way I see it, its not your fault. If they were drifting for so long, why didn't they do anything about it? Its not your problem that they couldnt communicate and had to go through you, but shes making it your problem by taking it out on you. That sucks. I'm sorry. You must be a really patient person to want to help her. I think just be there for her and offer her words of love and see if she comes round.
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Old 12-31-2012, 04:41 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

a) If she won't let you be there for her, there's nothing you can do about it. It sucks, but it's on her if she keeps pushing you away.

b) This is a big red flag for me in a long-term, committed partnership. I know some people need their space to work through things before they talk about them, but she's treating you like a yo-yo and trying to guilt trip you to boot. She needs to put her big-girl pants on and start communicating like an adult.

c) Don't engage. Walk away. I'm not saying walk away from the relationship, but walk away from the conversation. Tell her clearly, "I'll talk with you when you can be rational and not blame me for your actions and choices, but not before." She chose to lie to you, she chose to break up, she chose not to try to address the growing rift over the past year. NONE of this is your fault and it's not good for you to sit there trying to comfort her while she's heaping abuse on your head. If she can't or won't accept the comfort you're trying to give her, she's going to have to get through this on her own. Being in a relationship is no reason for being someone's whipping boy.

d) Same as c.
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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Old 12-31-2012, 07:43 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,330

a) going through a breakup with another partner

Tell her you are sorry she is going through this. How could you best help at this time? Because...

b) usually shuts you out instead of turning to you

So if this is case, you will just give her space unless told otherwise.

c) blames you for their breakup.

Today, she suddenly raised it with him and ended it.
You do not control her behavior. She controls her behavior. She ended it. She did not have to. If she is upset at herself for ending it, she could ask him to come back together rather than blame you.

But you? No, thank you. You will not hold the blame bag on that one. So not up for more talk on that. You don't have to take blame baggage. You could tell her you do not appreciate it and won't have it. End of discussion.

d) is hostile, cruel and confrontational through their pain

Have you told her you do not want to be treated this way? Does she make reasonable attemps to stop it? Where's your limit on this behavior if it continues?

Are you at limit? If so? You either accept her this way and she will always be this way. Or you walk away because you rather be without this behavior.

Again only she can control her behaves.

You can control yours. You choose to stay in the line of fire? You choose to go? That's all up to you.

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blame, breakup, comfort, ending, secondary partners

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