Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-29-2009, 06:15 PM
faraday faraday is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 40
Default I don't like my girlfriend's girlfriend

Hi!
So Iíve been in non-monogamous relationships for about 6 years now. And I happily live in an open triad. We are temporally long distance but hope to be moving in together this summer.

Some history, Iíve been with my boyfriend for over four years and with my girlfriend for about two. We all used to live in the same city but she moved last summer to go to grad school. She is doing an intense one year masters program and we are both in the middle of applying to schools for mfa and PhD programs.

My boyfriend and my girlfriend (who are together) normally hit some rough patches when new people come into her life. It hasnít been a hard issue for me. But distance is making it harder on all of us. Recently she started dating a woman, she has dated women in the past and it hasnít been an issue, but I donít like this one.

I feel stupid; there is nothing wrong with her. She was very nice when I met her, I donít think she has any malicious intent or anything I just didnít click with her and I feel really resistant to her. When my girlfriend shares cute stories about her, I get angry for no reason. Weíve talked about it. Iím not asking my girlfriend not to date her or anything like that I just donít understand why I donít like her.

My boyfriend likes her fine. My girlfriend is into her, but I just donít like her and I donít know why. It feels strange to me.

For some more back story Iím not at a very sexual point in my relationship with either my boyfriend or my girlfriend Iím starting to work thru some of my sexual issues around intimacy. I love sex, but once I get close to someone I get freaked out by it. I would much rather have sex with people I donít know as well. Not that my girlfriend and I have ever had a very active sex life. We work in the same field and we love each other deeply but we have never been to sexual (That was mostly because of me) boyfriend and girlfriend still have a very active sex life when they get to see each other. My boyfriend isnít dating anyone else right now and Iím not either. Part of me not dating is trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my owe sex drive. Plus it is very hard on my boyfriend if Iím not having sex with him and I can go out and have sex with other people. So Iím not actively looking for someone.
So our girlfriend is far away and having an active sex life (not just with this woman but with a couple of guys as well and at least had sex with another woman and they donít bother me) while boyfriend and I arenít really having sex with anyone, not even each other. That stuff happens and it doesnít worry me too much.

Sorry this is rambly and not making too much since. But to sum it up, I donít understand why this one woman is rubbing me the wrong way. There is no real issue that I can point out, itís just when I hung out with her I didnít click and then the more time I spent with her the less I liked her.

I have talked to my girlfriend about it. But I donít know what else to say. Iím not asking that she changes her actions. I just donít know how to deal with this emotion.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 12-29-2009, 09:42 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Right here. Right now.
Posts: 649
Default

Hi Faraday:

Sometimes it happens that two perfectly fine people just don't get along. There doesn't have to be anything wrong with either one of them, necessarily. They just don't "click". If this is the case, the only thing to do, really, accept the situation and minimize the discomfort.

OR

Your gut instinct is telling you something about the situation that you should be paying attention to.

Only you can know which one is the case here. I suggest you spend some time considering thes possibilities.

Next, I'd like to look at one thing you said.
Quote:
Originally Posted by faraday View Post
When my girlfriend shares cute stories about her, I get angry for no reason.
Anger is a covering emotion. Under the anger is always either hurt, fear, frustration, or some combination of these. Examining your anger around this situation may give you some clues to unraveling all these issues, or at least give you a place to start.

There's my $0.02, for what it's worth. Good luck to you.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-29-2009, 10:14 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Faraday,

How important is it to you (and your partner) how well you get along with everyone who is in your "poly network"? I have encountered different networks that have very different expectations - some would rather have a life where everyone can at least tolerate each other on a friendship basis, others have no such preference. I don't feel that there is a wrong or right answer for that - it's up to those involved.

But the answer to that question for you will definitely affect what you should do about it.

If there is a general understanding that everyone will get along, then you need to do two things, in my opinion - voice your concerns to your network at an appropriate time, and also try to get to the bottom of why you don't like this person. Is there a specific reason that you can find? Is it that you are feeling some sort of jealousy from the point of view that you feel that her coming into your life might cause you to feel short-changed about something.

If there isn't this understanding or expectation in place, then you are going to need to find ways to deal with it - sort of coping mechanisms. This might be distancing yourself from her (if you haven't already) but also making it plaint to your loved ones that you really don't want to hear the "gushy" love-talk.

I think that either way you need to make sure you are open with your partners about how you feel, even if you frame them as "unfinished thoughts" for them. Give them what they need to help you and support you.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-30-2009, 06:13 PM
faraday faraday is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 40
Default

I would say that in our group relationship it is VERY important that everyone can be family. Not everyone we have sex with, but anyone that my partners are going to be in a real relationship with I want to at very least like them and want to spend time with them.

I guess getting the base of the problem is what is throwing me for a loop. Normally I’m good at finding the cause of my issues. It always takes time to deal with them but I can normally identify what they are pretty well and I just feel lost as to why this woman is so hard for me to deal with.

I know that the anger is fear. But I don’t know what of. I mean I deal with fear anytime one of my partners starts dating or becoming attached to someone new but it doesn’t normally cause me to actively dislike the new person.

And there is nothing to dislike about her. She is nice, attractive, smart and friendly. I don’t worry about her intentions. But I find myself picking on her for little things. Like she calls herself dumb (when she is in the top of her class in a very hard master’s degree program) or says she can’t play violin well and then picks one up and plays beautifully. People do that shit all the time but when she does it drives me nuts.

She is on the other side of the country at the moment or I would be hanging out with her more. I have only really spent a few hours around her because of the distance. But I really expected to like her and I didn’t.

I’ve been clear about it with my partners. My girlfriend is being clear about where she thinks the relationship is going and my boyfriend is supportive but he doesn’t feel the same way. Which I guess is good. My girlfriend really likes her, which is great, but I have the building fear that my girlfriend is going to ask if this other woman can live with us when we all move. I have expressed this fear to her and she hasn’t really addressed it. I don’t think she is avoiding the topic it was just in a long conversation that was talking about lots of things. I should probably talk to her about it again.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-30-2009, 06:25 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by faraday View Post
I would say that in our group relationship it is VERY important that everyone can be family. Not everyone we have sex with, but anyone that my partners are going to be in a real relationship with I want to at very least like them and want to spend time with them.
OK, important question, here: is that what you feel the group should be, or is that what you have all agreed to it being? Because something here sounds like there are some differing opinions within your group, although I may be reading it wrongly.


Quote:
And there is nothing to dislike about her.
You say that, but can already find things you dislike about her - her self-deprecation for example. That is a valid feeling and one you shouldn't dismiss.

Do you feel that spending more time with her might help you get to know her better and help you decide more whether you are happy with her being in your group or not?

Quote:
My girlfriend really likes her, which is great, but I have the building fear that my girlfriend is going to ask if this other woman can live with us when we all move. I have expressed this fear to her and she hasnít really addressed it.
Then this is something that needs to be explicitly addressed, out of respect to the group dynamic - and this is the precise reason why I asked about whether the whole group has signed off on the "everyone can be family" thing or not.

Quote:
I donít think she is avoiding the topic it was just in a long conversation that was talking about lots of things. I should probably talk to her about it again.
I think that would be wise, and I think that you should make sure that you use whatever mechanisms you have in place in your relationship for signaling an issue that has to be addressed. Letting this build up does nobody any good in the long run.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 12-30-2009, 06:40 PM
faraday faraday is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 40
Default

Sorry if I wasn’t clear, I very much feel like I want to be close to all of my partner’s partners. I want us all to be like family. I’m not into the everyone has to be in love with each other or everyone has to be sleeping with each other I just want us all to be family. And my partners are on the same page.

I will bring it up with my girlfriend again. I’m going to be hanging out with her in person in a couple of days so I was going to wait until then. Sometimes talking face to face is so much easier then e-mail or video.

But it won’t be easy, my boyfriend and her are having some conflict right now. It’s a different thing but it also revolves around her seeing other people as well and I really don’t want her to feel like I’m just throwing more emotional crap on her. Ugh.

I do have reasons that I have picked out as to why I don’t like this new person but it still it doesn’t seem to add up. The self effacing thing is pretty much the only thing I can put my finger on, along with my girlfriend’s tendency to get into friendships and relationship with people who need someone to take care of them. Although my girlfriend doesn’t feel that is what is going on with her new partner, while I was hanging out with them it seemed pretty clear to me that it was still going on. My girlfriend is pushing her to speak up more in class and trying to get her to apply to some crazy PhD program and is trying to “get her out of her shell” which I guess to me her shell seems fake.

And I’m fine with my girlfriend being in relationship with people who need her. I’m glad she is working on it because I don’t think it is super healthy and it causes her a lot of stress but she has had both female partners in the past that she had this kind of relationship with and I still liked the women she was with.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 12-30-2009, 06:45 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Well, another concept that people like to follow is the idea of going at the speed at which everyone is comfortable.

If there are issues between your boyfriend and her, then this might be exactly the wrong time to be stepping into a new level of intimacy with someone new. Is there a rush, here?

If there is a commonly-held agreement in your group that everyone needs to be onboard before someone new comes in, then everyone should be respecting that, and listening to your concerns.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 12-30-2009, 07:44 PM
faraday faraday is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 40
Default

Yes. But... hmmm. Well she is already dating this other woman. They have been dating for months and they live in the same city while my boyfriend and I do not. I am addressing my feelings but my dislike of this woman isn't enough for me to ask that my girlfriend stops dating her. I don't know her this new woman well enough to say for sure that I don't want her to be a part of our lives and I want my girlfriend to feel free to date whomever she wants. I’m in charge of my emotions. And I really don’t want her to stop seeing someone she cares about and be alone in this new city she is in.

I am not on board with her moving in. But that hasn’t been asked. And I feel like if my girlfriend wants to have relationship where I or her boyfriend are less involved she can. Like I said I don’t NEED to love everyone she is dating but it is the goal. And obviously my like or dislike of a person is going to have an effect on how much that person is in my life.

I know the issue is MY issue to deal with and I don’t need my girlfriend to change her life and her relationship to make it easier on me. It’s hard but we’ve been though worse. And I deeply believe that part of doing this whole thing is about pushing yourself and your boundaries. If I thought that my struggle was negatively impacting my relationships or my health then I would ask for her to slow down. But really all it is doing is making me uncomfortable, and my partners are uncomfortable for me all the time. I drag them to boring parties; make them watch bad TV, ask them to deal with my new partners. Being open isn’t about comfortable, so I feel safe in pushing this and trying to figure out what the hell is going on inside my head.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 12-30-2009, 08:22 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by faraday View Post
I feel safe in pushing this and trying to figure out what the hell is going on inside my head.
That is great - a good realisation. Some people in your situation get the "no, we need to back off for a while while I get things sorted out" reaction.

I really wish you luck in sorting this through.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 12-31-2009, 02:55 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default Possibilities

Here's just a thought.....
I think it's a good habit to develop to realize that when we first meet people - what we are often (though not always) meeting is their "carefully constructed public persona".
This "public persona" is constructed in many ways for many reasons, depending on the individuals path they have had to travel through life to this point.
But in this construction is also a component of their own fears & insecurities which they've carefully constructed a shell around to avoid exposing them.
Personally, I don't feel it's important (as) to try to psychoanalyze this persona as it is just to acknowledge that is not likely their true self !
From that point, I try to create an atmosphere where they feel embraced for just who they are -and trusted-which generally allows them to relax and allow pieces of their true self to emerge. Until I see bits of this, I tend to downplay any initial reactions I might feel but never totally dismiss them until I have reason to.
For me at least, I've found that I can connect far better with a wider range of people, and even if I finally reach a point that it's obvious that we can't connect, at least I have a better understanding of why and generally have learned some things about myself in the process.

Maybe this will work for you too
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:15 PM.