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  #11  
Old 12-21-2012, 07:43 PM
paradigm paradigm is offline
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Thoughtful words. I'm working tooth and nail to adjust my personality sufficiently for poly, and its working. But I want it! So its is a pleasant labor, difficult, but welcome.

No one thinks or understands the same. You are not obligated to be any more accepting of things than your partner. People have limits, and boundaries, we may strive to change them, but you should have them respected based on where they are right now.

If you are working or want to work on loosening them, you need to let her know it. Make a plan, and stick to it, there will be compromise, you will both need compassion, and restraint. But you mustn't sit idle if you plan to change things. If you don't, then you need to be very clear about your feelings, and limits. It's no affront to anyone for you to want to do things how you like, but relationships always require cooperation. Your sharing each others lives requires an agreement to bend for each other. Or you will surely break.

Expect stubbed toes, try to avoid serious hurt. Talking, lots and truthfully, does that best.
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  #12  
Old 12-22-2012, 03:20 AM
FreeSpirit FreeSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hmm, that's too bad. I wonder if she didn't feel empowered enough to pursue it with him anyway and make her own choice about whether or not he was a good fit for her. Do you think she listened to you and dropped it out of fear of reprisals from you, or of making you unhappy, thereby having forfeited her own agency in the matter?

I am a solo, so I'm not entangled with a partner, but to my mind, nobody is required to like or get along with their metamour, nor expect that their partner relate to the person in the same way they do. I would hate to be involved with someone who couldn't stand on their own two feet with their partner and stick up for being with me, if a guy I was going out with had an SO who objected for some reason.

The fact is, even though his personality clashes with yours or some behaviors of his bugged you, you have no idea how enriching, inspiring, or fun a relationship with him could have been for her -- and now she'll never know that either. Perhaps she would have handled issues with him, that you see as problematic, in ways that would have been good for both him and her. You and she are two different people, you know. Can you trust that she can make her own decisions and see things from her own perspective, which is just as valid as yours? Were you, perhaps, being a bit too over-protective of her?
Ha ha, I think you've got the wrong idea of the situation. Perhaps I explained it poorly. He's still a very good mutual friend to both of us, and we hang out with him often. I'm certainly doing nothing to stand in the way of them communicating or being close. And her interest in him was pretty mild, and not even really romantic. She had no intention of pursuing a partnership with him.

I appreciate the input, and agree with you on some parts of what you said, but your advice comes off as a bit accusatory. I believe I mentioned earlier in the thread that I told her to go ahead with it despite my discomfort, saying I didn't want my own feelings rational or not, to interfere with their closeness. She refused since she was on the fence about whether to get closer to him at all, and she didn't want to make me uncomfortable.

You saying "and now she'll never know that" implies that I had somehow cut off their contact with each other, which is not at all the case.

I'm sure you meant well, but I feel as though my description of the situation was sorely misunderstood. Perhaps it was pointless to post details of a specific situation on a forum to begin with. It's very difficult for people to understand what's going on in a situation without being there and only being given a brief summary of certain points.
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  #13  
Old 12-22-2012, 04:35 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oh, no, I wasn't being accusatory. Sorry if it sounded that way but I wasn't sure how to voice that viewpoint. Yes, sometimes forums are very difficult medium to express concepts and thoughts on situations. I am just musing on it all, as a way to shed a little light on a different perspective. I know you wrestled with your trepidations about him simultaneously with wanting her to know she had the freedom to make her own decision.

I was asking sincerely, "Do you think she listened to you and dropped it out of fear of reprisals from you, or of making you unhappy, thereby having forfeited her own agency in the matter?" I wasn't necessarily assuming that was the case, but posing it as a possibility. I suppose one could say she did indeed make her own choice, but I was just wondering if it was more for you than for herself, after she heard your misgivings about him.

"And now she'll never know" was not meant to imply that you demanded anything, but rather that she decided to back away from it (knowing it would probably please you), rather than take a chance (which might displease you) and see if there was any potential there before nixing him. I wonder what she would have done if you had remained silent about your concerns. And that is what she will never know. Not an accusation.

I'm curious - which parts of my previous post did you agree with or think had some validity? Is it where I asked if you might be a bit overprotective of her?
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-22-2012 at 04:39 AM.
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  #14  
Old 12-22-2012, 08:20 AM
FreeSpirit FreeSpirit is offline
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No worries, sorry for taking it the wrong way.

I'm not sure how I could have handled it differently. Remaining silent about my discomfort would be dishonest in my eyes, and not something I'd be comfortable with. I prefer to voice my feelings, but not let them make me nag.

No, I don't think I'm overprotective. I trust her to take care of herself and make her own decisions, though I offer input where I think it'd help. I think I'm the right amount of protective. :P
It wasn't about being afraid of her getting hurt as much as my own discomfort with the situation and person in this case.

I agreed with the part about not being required to get along with your partner's partner. That's her choice, not mine. Doesn't mean I won't voice concerns and displeasure though.
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  #15  
Old 12-23-2012, 02:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I just think this is interesting. You said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by FreeSpirit View Post
After seeing how much it affected me, she decided to call off the physical aspect of that, just remaining friends, despite me insisting that she shouldn't let my emotions interfere with her bonds with others.

Now, I'm not normally a very jealous person, so it struck me unusual that this incident bothered me as much as it did. After quite a few hours of introspection, considering various things that could have caused me to be so bothered, I settled on my discomfort with him in particular as the primary issue. I didn't find the thought of her being with other friends, or even strangers, nearly as upsetting.

I do have some good reasons for being uncomfortable with this particular friend...he's proven repeatedly irresponsible and dishonest in the past. Though I enjoy his company most of the time, he grates on my nerves a lot, and I just don't feel physically comfortable with him. Beyond that though, I know he's a good person.
So, you did not like the idea of your gf being involved with this man who is a friend of yours, pondered why it made you uncomfortable, and concluded it was because in the past he was "proven" irresponsible and dishonest, and he gets on your nerves. You let her know and made it clear it was her decision, but she saw how icky it was for you, ended the sex with him, and you feel relieved.

My question (not just for you in this situation but for anyone) is: are these reasons enough to voice concerns and possibly put the kabosh on your partner's potential relationship? Sure, you knew him longer and better than she does, but were you assuming he had not changed his "irresponsible" and "dishonest" ways? Did you think she couldn't handle that? Did you discuss your concerns with him as well? Why is your discomfort a factor in who she should be with? I am not asking these questions as a judgment of you, but to further the discussion because, as a solo who may possibly run into situations where a SO might not approve of me, I do find the issue compelling. This is a murky area where it isn't really a veto but is pretty darn close to being a veto. How much sway should a primary partner have when their SO wants to date or fuck someone else, I wonder?
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  #16  
Old 12-29-2012, 01:50 AM
FreeSpirit FreeSpirit is offline
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Not sure if your questions are hypothetical, but I'll answer them as if they weren't.

These things are all subjective, and depend on the individual relationship and the people involved. It's going to be murky and situational even within the parameters of an individual relationship oftentimes.

When it comes down to it, we all have absolute freedom in our relationships. The question is, how far outside our partner's comfort zones are we willing to tread, and how much are they willing to tolerate? I don't think it's unreasonable to ask a partner to make some small sacrifices for the sake of the other partner's comfort or happiness, but asking or doing too much that bothers the other will strain a relationship. If such a strain becomes too extreme, the relationship may break simply because it's a more negative force than a positive one in a person's life.

That's why compatibility is so important. So both partners can stay in or close to each other's comfort zones most of the time rather than having to choose between denying their own freedom or making each other uncomfortable or miserable constantly.
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