(MrB and I have been seeing each other a little more than a year, C and I have been seeing each other a little less than a year).
So I did not tell C anything and went away on my weekend, which was totally awesome... MrBrown is such an amazing guy, his honesty, authenticity and integrity completely blow me away every time I see him. He doesn't do things the conventional way, and it took me some time to get used to that, but now that I have shed my expectations I can see him for what he is en really enjoy everything he has to bring me in this relationship. He is a true inspiration to me and I always come back from seeing him energized, inspired, feeling free and strong.
So when I came home it felt so strange not to be able to share the fact I'd been away with C and I sent him a short email, telling him where I'd been and that it had felt wrong to hide it from him. He did not reply, until later that night, and then he told me he was upset. We texted back and forth because it was really late, but the next day we talked on the phone, he was still very upset and said some things that were pretty hurtful to me.
Because, I completely understand jealousy.. feeling insecure, alone, etc. I feel it with Ren, I feel it with MrB (not when he's with the GF he already had when I met him, but sometimes when he's with the woman he met this summer). I've felt it with C when he went on dates. So really, I understand it when someone says "I felt some jealousy". What I could not understand was how he made it about me, basically it felt like he was judging me for my behavior, 'going from one man to another' which made him feel 'like he did not matter' and did not value our relationship. I was supposed to go see him later that week but he said ' don't bother, I don't want you to come and see me when you've just been with someone else, it makes me wonder what this is all worth'.
I was hurt, and then angry. I went to see him that week anyway, and we had a very strained and difficult evening, where he apologized for what he had said, but there was still so much distance.
It was like I was looking at myself through his eyes and I did not like what I saw.. a flippant, superficial woman who wanders from one guy to the next, hungry for love and attention.
I went to see him again this weekend and things were slightly better. We agreed that I will tell him about dates with MrB ahead of time from now on. And that he will tell me about his dates. I don't want the false feeling of security anymore, I want to face my fears.
We had a good weekend together, but I do feel something has shifted - yet again. I feel less committed to him, it's hard to say why. I think it was the feeling of being claimed, restricted, that threw me off balance.
It's true: I have a husband, another lover, a non-sexual BF, and a couple of guys with whom I flirt and sometimes dream about the possibilities of taking things further. Besides that, I have a very active and busy social life with lots of friends. C. has only one partner, me, and not that many friends. But I don't, and should not, feel guilty about that - his life is his responsibility, and he has to build it, just like I build mine.
In a way, I feel pretty good now. Free. No one will tell me what to do or who I can or cannot see... that's a feeling that is pretty strong now.
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Brig - very new bf; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated; Scin - dating, taking it slow
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Mon - very new gf
There are as many forms of love as there are moments in time. Jane Austen