Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

 
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Prev Previous Post   Next Post Next
  #33  
Old 12-28-2012, 09:27 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 426
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I guess I think its good the onus is on him to not ask if he doesn't want to know, and not on me to have to be dishonest. Would you find yourself in a pickle if it comes out later you weren't totally honest with C?

Not sure if you're going to be comfortable with a long term DADT about mentioning dates ahead of time, (I can't remember how long you've been seeing everybody!) but I hope C is working on finding a way to be OK hearing about things. Have an awesome weekend too
well..... when I read this I was going to reply "I won't find myself in a pickle" but in the end I found myself in a huge pickle, so I'll share the story here.
(MrB and I have been seeing each other a little more than a year, C and I have been seeing each other a little less than a year).

So I did not tell C anything and went away on my weekend, which was totally awesome... MrBrown is such an amazing guy, his honesty, authenticity and integrity completely blow me away every time I see him. He doesn't do things the conventional way, and it took me some time to get used to that, but now that I have shed my expectations I can see him for what he is en really enjoy everything he has to bring me in this relationship. He is a true inspiration to me and I always come back from seeing him energized, inspired, feeling free and strong.

So when I came home it felt so strange not to be able to share the fact I'd been away with C and I sent him a short email, telling him where I'd been and that it had felt wrong to hide it from him. He did not reply, until later that night, and then he told me he was upset. We texted back and forth because it was really late, but the next day we talked on the phone, he was still very upset and said some things that were pretty hurtful to me.

Because, I completely understand jealousy.. feeling insecure, alone, etc. I feel it with Ren, I feel it with MrB (not when he's with the GF he already had when I met him, but sometimes when he's with the woman he met this summer). I've felt it with C when he went on dates. So really, I understand it when someone says "I felt some jealousy". What I could not understand was how he made it about me, basically it felt like he was judging me for my behavior, 'going from one man to another' which made him feel 'like he did not matter' and did not value our relationship. I was supposed to go see him later that week but he said ' don't bother, I don't want you to come and see me when you've just been with someone else, it makes me wonder what this is all worth'.

I was hurt, and then angry. I went to see him that week anyway, and we had a very strained and difficult evening, where he apologized for what he had said, but there was still so much distance.

It was like I was looking at myself through his eyes and I did not like what I saw.. a flippant, superficial woman who wanders from one guy to the next, hungry for love and attention.

I went to see him again this weekend and things were slightly better. We agreed that I will tell him about dates with MrB ahead of time from now on. And that he will tell me about his dates. I don't want the false feeling of security anymore, I want to face my fears.

We had a good weekend together, but I do feel something has shifted - yet again. I feel less committed to him, it's hard to say why. I think it was the feeling of being claimed, restricted, that threw me off balance.

It's true: I have a husband, another lover, a non-sexual BF, and a couple of guys with whom I flirt and sometimes dream about the possibilities of taking things further. Besides that, I have a very active and busy social life with lots of friends. C. has only one partner, me, and not that many friends. But I don't, and should not, feel guilty about that - his life is his responsibility, and he has to build it, just like I build mine.

In a way, I feel pretty good now. Free. No one will tell me what to do or who I can or cannot see... that's a feeling that is pretty strong now.
__________________
early forties, straight.
Reply With Quote
 

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:16 PM.