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  #21  
Old 12-14-2012, 10:05 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Another way to think of it -- you let him know how you're doing, he decides what to do with that information. That's true whether you choose to phrase things in terms of rules, boundaries, guidelines, agreements, needs, or none of the above, because in the end your partner always retains free agency. So, you can say to him -- "I wanted to let you know that I think I am in a place emotionally where I'd be ok with you spending weekend time with Shasti. So, if you want that, know that you can go for it without worrying about me. If it turns out that I was wrong, and it affects me more than I thought, I'll let you know."

Nothing in there about what he should or shouldn't do, simply info about you that will (hopefully) be relevant to his decision-making process. Do you think that might feel better?
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  #22  
Old 12-14-2012, 10:20 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Yes, that makes great sense and is along the lines of what my therapist said. I kind of lost her wording.
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  #23  
Old 12-26-2012, 03:27 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Default It's all about you and me, baby! Oh, and them, too...

It's hard to let it fade and accept that this is how life works. ("it" being that total absorption in one another)

My husband was driving home yesterday and he seemed so distant. I think it was more perception on my side, than true behavior on his part. Although, he did spend Christmas Eve texting a new interest. I remind myself that:
1.) we were at my parents' and he's never very engaged when we're there;
2.) he was more engaged with everyone than he normally is when we're there; and
3.) I've been encouraging him to put more effort into building new relationships.

Every day behavior and lack of focus on "us" creates anxiety for me, because I do not want to fall back into our old ways where we really weren't concerned with what the other one was up to. I don't want to loose the tight connection the two of us have built, so now I'm hyper aware when his interests turn elsewhere. Days where he doesn't stop to touch me, or smile at me, or say something intimate/private to me are hard. Reminding myself that he loves me and that our connection is strong helps quiet my insecurities. I just wish they'd go away. I wish I'd quit feeling the loss, the threat. I need to trust more in the poly concept that if I take care to be a great partner to him that outside relationships won't weaken what we have. That a bit of distance and focus outside of the relationship is normal and healthy even in very strong relationships. It's one thing to know that, but it's another to relax into that.

I'm reminding myself that if he finds someone close by (as opposed to 2+ hrs away) that it'll be possible for him to see her without having to go for several days at a time. Yay, for normal life! Plus, if he is dating locally, then it'll give me more freedom to plan things with the men I'm seeing when he's working locally.

I'm also focusing on how wonderful and exciting it is for him to feel all of this new relationship stuff. I kind of screwed myself over by being jealous before, so now he's hesitant to share things with me. I want us to get back to our previous mindset. Back to when he first started seeing Shasti and I was so nervous for him and felt kind of parental with wanting her to like him and for things to go well. With him sharing his mixed feelings and hopes.

A couple of cool things about his new interest: she rebuilt a car engine in high school, she's really attractive, and she plays cribbage. The playing cribbage is something I think Twitch will really appreciate as I'm an epic fail when it comes to that. Small things like that remind me of why open relationships rock.

Last edited by Petunia; 12-26-2012 at 03:29 PM.
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  #24  
Old 12-26-2012, 05:34 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Default /smacks forehead

I can't believe I forgot to mention this...

Saturday night we have a little surprise b'day party for Twitch (41 on the 18th). It was hosted by one of our kink friends and all of the guests were from that community. One of our really close friends is a very skilled rigger with a number of the guests also being experienced with rope. One of the budding riggers is an amazing lady, RSL, and she suspended Twitch. He was wearing a kilt with the high socks and I helped transition the two of them from awkward, "gee, can we do this with him partially dressed", to "hey, you are going to have to stripped down to your b'day suit in order for this to work." It was a lot of fun to watch her rope work. She's gotten quite good in the past year. Our very skilled suspension friend was there to consult with and watch over to make sure things were done properly and safely which lent an air of security.

RSL is a poly girl who isn't in any serious relationships right now, but is seeking.

Afterwards we all moved back upstairs to the living room. Twitch was sitting on the hearth in front of the fireplace and she sat down next to him. After a bit they got too warm and when they moved over to the couch by me and some of other friends she threw her leg was over his in a very snuggly fashion. I loved it. I love that my life can have those elements in it. I love that some other woman is attracted to my man and would gladly take him as a lover. It made me happy for him. It made me happy that they were both comfortable doing that in front of me...that I haven't sent out vibes that he is my territory.
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  #25  
Old 12-26-2012, 05:45 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Default Instant reactions - unmasked expressions

I'm very expressive and I react quickly. Damn it all.

Saturday before leaving for Twitch's surprise party I dampened the mood between us accidentally. I was pretty sure I had ruined what I was hopeful was going to be a very nice evening for us. I hate that. It can happen so quickly, and Twitch isn't the type to let you back away from a first reaction. He holds that and won't listen to you that you may have reacted in such a matter, but upon further thought and consideration that you wish to reverse your response.

This time it wasn't so much that as he read my reaction wrong. He put meaning to my reaction that wasn't correct and then had a hard time letting it go and being okay.

We were finishing our wedding thank-you's and we had come to Orville and Shasti's. We were going to send two separate thank-you's even though it was a joint gift. Twitch suggested that I write Orville's and he Shasti's. My face clouded over and he was upset. I was thinking, oh, geez, that's going to put me in a bad light with Shasti. I had intended to write her a thank-you note in September, but ran out of time with all of the wedding stuff. So, I was already feeling like I really owed her a thank-you. Plus, we'd just come back from her big birthday bash and again, I felt the need to thank her for including us (me.) Twitch thought my emotion was jealousy and he was upset that it seemed I'd never be past that emotion when it came to her.

Sometimes I wish I could be one of those people with a poker face. And while I'm wishing for "ifs and ands" I wish my husband would allow me to back myself away from those instant reactions and not hold it against me when I'd give anything to erase that moment, because it truly isn't always the truth.
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  #26  
Old 12-27-2012, 02:28 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
... I wish my husband would allow me to back myself away from those instant reactions and not hold it against me when I'd give anything to erase that moment, because it truly isn't always the truth.
This very much resonated with me...thank you for saying it out loud (or in type, in public, as the case may be . I can have initial reactions for reasons that I don't understand, that are interpreted in a certain way, and, after I puzzle it out, don't reflect the way that I REALLY feel, just an fleeting thought. I often can't refute the impression at the time because, until I look at it closer, I don't always know why I had the initial reaction.

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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #27  
Old 12-27-2012, 01:46 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
This very much resonated with me...thank you for saying it out loud (or in type, in public, as the case may be . I can have initial reactions for reasons that I don't understand, that are interpreted in a certain way, and, after I puzzle it out, don't reflect the way that I REALLY feel, just an fleeting thought. I often can't refute the impression at the time because, until I look at it closer, I don't always know why I had the initial reaction.

JaneQ
JaneQ, I'm happy to hear that I'm not alone in this. If only life were a screenplay and all of our reactions were carefully planned out to reflect the exact message we wish to portray.
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  #28  
Old 12-27-2012, 02:25 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Default Busy bees or is that busy beavers?

Busy date night for hubby and me last night. I didn't think I was going to be doing anything, but WP contacted me and said that if I wanted to get together he'd ask his other girl if they could get together the next night seeing as he'd seen her two days before. I think he was motivated by the fact that we hadn't seen each other since the 13th. I appreciate the fact that he is trying to build something between us and that he didn't care to leave too long of a gap in us getting together.

So, I had a second date and Twitch had a first date. I couldn't wait to hear how things went for him; what his impression was, if conversation flowed, if she was what he was expecting, and so on and so forth. One of the dogs woke me at 3 AM to be let out and I was sorely tempted to wake him and pepper him with questions, but I restrained myself. LOL. I know, shocking, right?! Hey, I can control myself once in a while! Besides, I was SO tired. I had gotten to bed at midnight. (Yawn)

The alarm went off at 5 AM and I laid there contemplating taking a sick day. After meditating for 10 minutes and trying to keep my mind off of excuses for not going into work, I finally sucked it up and got in the shower. Thirty minutes later he pulled himself from bed and did the same. While he showered I asked him about his night.

Report: He liked her. She was bigger than he thought she'd be, but it wasn't a deal-breaker. (She's into fitness this year and it's a major priority for her and he started doing triathlons this year, so they are well matched in this regard. His preference in women is not stick thin, so really it's not an issue, IMO.) She can hold a conversation and is interesting. Quote, "She didn't annoy me too much." What??!! Men! I wonder if they all have these thoughts!

"She didn't annoy me too much." Gawd. I wanted to smack him.

Question: "Did you have sex?" (I knew by the hour he arrived home that they had. Plus the fact that he left with a bottle of wine and the fact that she had decided that he should come to her house rather than meet at a pub for a bite to eat.)
Answer: "Yes."
Question: "Well, how was it?"
Answer: "Good. It was fun."
Question: "You going to see her again?"
Answer: "Maybe. I don't know yet."

I know he will. He said they were done doing the nasty by 11 PM and he got home after 1 PM. It's a 40 minute drive. He wasn't exactly busting to get away.

I'm tickled and a bit dismayed. I think his night went well, but geez, his answers. Is that how men think? Or is he being a bit crude? Or is this how men play it cool? Whatever! He had a good time. I pretty certain of it.

My date went well and on the way home my D.C. guy was texting me about a 20 y.o. that had contacted him on OKC and then texted him for hours that night. She has a daddy complex and now he's intrigued. Good grief, he's 60. Granted he is in fantastic physical shape (6 pack abdomen and tight, lovely skin), but that age gap is huge. I wanted to point out that he could be her grandfather, not just her daddy! He said she was visiting family for the holiday and that she suddenly disappeared and quit texting. I replied back that her mother probably told her it was bedtime. (teehee! this is going to be fun!) Truth is he sees two other ladies that are in their mid-twenties. IMO, there is a big difference in life experience between twenty and twenty-six or twenty-eight, though. He can certainly keep up, but why would he want to? I guess men and women think differently about this. Earlier last night I sent an eighteen year old a no-thank-you reply; I want lovers to have mad skills and that takes time and experience. And beyond that, I want some commonality.
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  #29  
Old 12-27-2012, 06:24 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia View Post
IMO, there is a big difference in life experience between twenty and twenty-six or twenty-eight, though. He can certainly keep up, but why would he want to? I guess men and women think differently about this. Earlier last night I sent an eighteen year old a no-thank-you reply; I want lovers to have mad skills and that takes time and experience.
Yes! I have limited patience for teaching! I want sex to be skilled as we leave the gate. That is one of the reasons why, despite allowing myself some fantasies about him, I am resisting the temptation of hooking up with a 23-year-old guy at my job who is very clearly crushing on me (bigger reason is, I don't want drama at my job). I am over twice his age and, although the idea of having several younger lovers is appealing to my inner cougar, I don't want anyone inexperienced fumbling around down there, hahaha!

Maybe for men, it's less complicated when they think about boinking younger women.
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-27-2012 at 06:27 PM.
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  #30  
Old 12-27-2012, 06:52 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Yes! I have limited patience for teaching! I want sex to be skilled as we leave the gate. That is one of the reasons why, despite allowing myself some fantasies about him, I am resisting the temptation of hooking up with a 23-year-old guy at my job who is very clearly crushing on me (bigger reason is, I don't want drama at my job). I am over twice his age and, although the idea of having several younger lovers is appealing to my inner cougar, I don't want anyone inexperienced fumbling around down there, hahaha!

Maybe for men, it's less complicated when they think about boinking younger women.
I hear ya! My thoughts exactly!
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